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My Draft Pick Sucks: Cam Newton

The NFL Draft is fantastic, because for almost a full year we all get to sit around and pick on a bunch of 20 year-olds before they become millionaires. During the combines, pro-days, and scoutings, every stupid rube comes up with one or two players they really key in on that they want their team to pick, including myself. This is no different with the Vikings, and may in fact be worse, because every year Vikings fans hang their hopes on some idiot. This feature aptly titled “Your My Draft Pick Sucks”, picks apart some of the more popular fan votes for players in the upcoming draft in a very shallow, mean spirited way. Naturally. Today, we look the pompous computer thieving quarterback that’ll probably go first overall anyway, Cam Newton …

Cam Newton, one time former heir apparent to Tim Tebow at Florida before he went to some shitty community college and acted all big man on campus, then “transferred” to Auburn to help the Tigers win a national championship while stealing computers and being pimped out by his father.

Yeah, you know, “Camputer” Newton? He was in some hot shit for a while because he “accidentally” bought a computer from a friend that he didn’t know the friend had stolen. He totally just thought it was a super sweet deal on a laptop, bro. But let’s be straight here … I KNOW some people who KNOW some people who have bought stolen electronics before, and you’re a dumbass if you don’t know where they’re coming from. Sweet! A Mac Book Pro for $200? I can’t believe my luck! Sure buddy.

Oh, and his dad sold him to the highest bidder (Auburn) so he could play quarterback there. Like $250,000 or something. But it’s cool, because Cam had no idea that his dad did that. He was just going to whatever school his dad suggested, because he apparently can’t think for himself at the age of 20. You know what? A kid showing that kind of maturity and independence is SURE to handle the professional spot light and millions of dollars appropriately, right?

Why this idiot likes him:
*Begins whining* Because he’s really goooooooooddd! *Ends whining* Cam Newton is a baller. He absolutely crushed the collegiate competition in 2010 and really did so handily. And he didn’t just crush the Big 10 (BORING!) he crushed the SEC. It’s a different breed of football down there. He came back from 21-0 against Alabama late in the season with their entire year on the line, and he did so like a fucking BOSS. He showed ridiculous amount of poise to go through the year and not even be phased by thoughts of cheating and getting sold to Auburn. He continually just went out there, threw some pretty deep balls and broke some defenders down like it was child’s play. Newton is outstanding, ridiculous, and this play probably cemented by tightened testicles for him in this year’s draft:


Hahaha outstanding!

Why you smart people don’t:
Well …….. he might be a fucking moron. Notes from Newton’s recent appearance on Jon Gruden’s quarterback interview thing he does on ESPN with Cam:

“On a segment that is airing on ESPN over and over and over again, Cam Newton sits down and works out with Gruden.  In the segment, Gruden talks to Newton about NFL play calling “verbiage” or language.  He asks Newton to give him an Auburn play call whereupon Newton sits there like a deer in the headlights.  Gruden then goes on to give an example.

“Flip right, double-X, Jet, 36 counter, naked waggle, X-7, X-quarter.”  Gruden rattles off as effortlessly as he would say his own name.  He then asks Newton to give him something of the same from his Auburn days.  No go.  Newton goes on to explain that on the sidelines someone would hold up a sign with a number on it like say 36 and that was the play period.  There was no play calling or play language remembering.”

Hahaha oh no. But that’s not all:

“Newton used an gun analogy to demonstrate how he feels about his detractors.  He was the gun supposedly and his detractors were to be used as his ammunition.  On the field with the receivers he was working out with, he displayed the persona of an athlete looking for media attention.  His ending workout huddle word was “swag” and as he was walking off he said for the cameras of course, that others shouldn’t copy that, saying it was copyrighted.”

Soooooo he’s pretty full of himself. I’m sure his work ethic and football smarts will get him through the NFL and to a Super Bowl win, right? Right??! …. Yeah, I don’t believe it either.

What will happen if he’s a Vikings:
We would have a fantastic running game even with a shitty offensive line. Think Michael Vick in Atlanta, but somehow more stupider because Cam Newton is at quarterback. I know, I know … hard to imagine. But now that Childress is out, we can imagine crazy ass offensive plays, largely because we don’t know what this Musgrave guy will conjure up. Newton, Purple Jesus and Harvin in the backfield? ONLY TO DO A TIGHT END OPTION?? Fucking amazing. And it would be fun, if we were playing Madden football. The problem of course is that this is the NFL and only real quarterbacks who can throw the football in a quasi-forward motion can make a team elite. That probably excludes Newton, since his only read is “RUN.”

And one more thing: The best comparison you could probably make for Cam Newton is that he’s the result of Vince Young and Jamarcus Russell coming together in gay harmony to create a monster freak child that got the best and worst qualities of both parents, somehow. Athletic as hell, strong as a Russian woman, outstanding on the field in college, but dumber than a down syndrome Brontosaurus. Would you want that on your team? …. I guess I wouldn’t either. Shit. Now I don’t like ANYONE in this draft.

But you know what? I’d still take him if he was there.