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Oh, No, the Veteran Vikings Players Were Just Super Busy is All …

This week was the week that some LEGIT football news was about to happen. Christian Ponder, the sexy unknown at the quarterback position for the Minnesota Vikings, was going to get together with, like, TONS of Vikings players to do what football players do. Toss the old ball around, work on timing routes, smack butts in the shower. You know, football things.

That was, of course, until Tuesday morning rolled around and Percy Harvin “conveniently” forgot his phone, and that cunt Ban “accidentally missed his flight” like a fucking moron. You ever seen Home Alone? Not even that family full of retards who forgot a kid at the house during Christmas time missed their flight, yet an unemployed, underachieving, wide receiver who cares a LITTLE bit too much about how he looks wasn’t able to make it to the airport on time. Oops. Oh, also Shanko decided he had last minute plans as well and couldn’t make it. That left Pondexter with two other quarterbacks (Spider-Webb and Rhett Boner?), a Canadian League wide receiver, a wide receiver who should be mowing my lawn, and three rookies … Notre Douche, Brando Fucko and Mister Raymond, who must have accidentally walked in on Wednesday. THANKS VIKINGS VETERANS, YOU DICKS. Oh, and the Patriots who are doing the same thing this week? They only had roughly 40 players show up. Whatevs.

So what were these very important players doing that they couldn’t make it to this explicitly planned player organized training camp? We have the details for you after the jump:

JA: The camp has clearly been geared towards offensive players, largely because Pondexter was trying to take this time to disseminate Musgrave’s offensive playbook to anyone who would listen. Mister Raymond, the one defensive guy who showed up, can still learn something from it by going against the offense and getting a step on others in and if training camp ever happens. JA? Well, his skills have already retarded since 2009, and to the best of his knowledge he thought he was going to be practicing against Bryant McKinnie and Phil Loadholt. That just wouldn’t do. He wants to get better not get worse. So he skipped.

Purple Jesus: Oh, sorry he couldn’t make it guys, he was busy writing back to every single one of his fans who has ever written him a fan letter EVER.

Percy Harvin: Clearly, “lost his phone” is code for “getting super fucking baked with John David Booty and watching Planet Earth in HD on the Dallas Cowboys’ high def screen in the stadium.”

Jim Kleinsasser: He wanted to go to one last mini-camp, because he was only one more season away from retirement, but then he got shot in the line of duty soon after muttering “I’m gettin’ too old for this shit!”

John Sullivan: It was a little hard for him to just pick up and travel all the way across the world just for three quick days of training camp while he’s filming the blockbuster movie with Peter Jackson, “The Hobbit.”

Hank Baskett: Busy getting divorced.

Cedric Griffin: Spending time at the Mayo clinic trying to learn how to fucking walk again with two knees.

Naufahu Tahi: He wasn’t invited. At all. No one remembers he’s even on the team.

Toby Gerhart: He really wanted to show up, to show his teammates he’s ready for a breakout sophomore year, but he couldn’t get the week off from his paper delivery route and his mom shook her head SUPER disapprovingly when he asked for $30.00 for cab fare to the airport.

Did you hear any reasons why others couldn’t show up? I’m sure you’re all VERY connected and have some knowledge as to why. Share them in the comments, and Vikings? Get your heads out of your ass and do work.