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Opposing Coaches Called Vikings, Said “You Guys Suck”

Reported alongside breaking news such as “water is wet,” “Visanthe Shiancoe is well endowed,” and “clear alcohol is for old women on diets,” Minnesota Vikings coach Leslie Frazier shared with reporters this week that other opposing coaches were well aware of how horrific the Vikings secondary was in 2011. In fact, it got so bad that Frazier admitted to having enemy secondary coaches calling him and telling him as much. From ESPN 1500:

“We played a team, I won’t mention the team,” Frazier said. “One of the secondary coaches called me after the game and said, ‘Man, going into the game, we knew if we put this package on the field you could match up, if we did this you couldn’t match up. I don’t know what you are going to do, but you guys have to address your secondary.'”

But knowing Leslie Frazier, soft spoken and emotionally controlled man that he is, it’s clear that this was not the exact quote from the opposing team’s coaches. No at all, in fact. In a Minnesota Vikings Exclusive, Purple Jesus Diaries has ransacked our very own sources (note: Our source is a potato) and we were able to get in contact with this anonymous secondary coach to get what are his true, unfiltered thoughts on the 2011 Minnesota Vikings secondary. Read the interview transcript after the jump:

The anonymous coach, who could be ANYONE, to keep the secrecy up (but really is probably no one), had this to say:

The 2011 Vikings secondary? Jesus … I felt bad for you guys, man, really bad. I STILL feel bad for you. That was probably the worst secondary I’ve seen since being an assistant coach on a lingerie league team that played by arena football rules. There was just zero defense being played back there man, I mean NOTHING. It looked like my prospects for a blow job from my wife mid-NFL season. Do you have any idea how close she is to divorcing me every year during this time? Close enough where I could almost marry her sister if I wanted to.

“The Vikings may as well have left Bryant McKinnie and Phil Loadholt in the secondary instead, just like 17 yards back from the line of scrimmage on the hash marks. At least they take up valuable field space. The other guys you had out there? Benny Sapp? Marcus Runt? Sherels, whatever. I don’t even know who else, but it didn’t even matter. It was like throwing bullets at clay pigeons with your bare hands. Those guys fell for every move we’d throw at them. Post routes, comebacks, hitch and goes, slants, it didn’t matter. I told my guys by the fourth quarter to just walk your routes, I didn’t give a shit. I still think we threw for 135 yards. It was so much fun. Like playing Madden against your Dad.

“If I remember right too, I think it got so bad when we played you guys that when we went into 5 receiver sets, you had to have TWO linebackers come off the bench to help cover. Linebackers, covering five of the fastest players on my team. And your linebackers were shit, too! When I had my running backs go out for curls and screens, I just told them to point in the opposite direction that they were going to run their route, and Chad Greenway fell for it every time! It was amazing. When I say I’m surprised that Leslie and Singletary didn’t suit up at halftime and come out as players instead, I’m being 100% honest with you, kid.

“And I told him that too. I called him up once and I said, ‘Listen, man, I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but you guys suck. You are terrible. Just give up. Don’t even try. In fact, retire, burn the place to the ground, and annex yourself to the Caribbean. It’s worth it. It’ll actually give your team a better chance to win a game, I promise you. YOU ARE THAT BAD. Horrible. I wouldn’t even let my grandmother watch the game, because she is a saint, and I know she’s never seen a sexual assault even imitated that ferociously on one of her CSI programs. I just couldn’t subject her to it. I’m sorry, and I hope it works out better next year.’

“And I think it will, really. You’ll be better. Largely because you can’t get any worse. Honestly. If you were any worse you simply wouldn’t have a team. Or you’d be the Jaguars. Same difference. But you nabbed some draft picks that have potential, took flyers on a few free agents that could pan out, and essentially assured yourself you’ll never have to see a Benny Sapp jersey out on the field again. That alone should be a net gain of two wins for you, so congrats.”

I don’t know why guys, but I definitely believe him. Let’s just all cross our fingers and hope for the best in 2012.

*PS: This is satire! No one actually said this.