Fridays during the offseason we try to bring you the biggest, hardest, deepest and best Vikings story lines from the week that wasn’t and wrap them all up in a sexy, overwhelming post that is assured to moisten your boxer briefs, if you’re wearing them. Get yourself prepped for the weekend as you find out what’s happening in Vikings land … Williams bros look to be in trouble: I don’t know who said what, or if the judges and players union for the NFL are playing a massive dong game of “she said she said”, but it sure as shit looks like everything is adding up for the Williams Wall to be suspended for the first four games of next season. This all stems back to their use of a dietary supplement that included an ingredient in it that was banned under the NFL’s drug policy. The ingredient or supplemental part in question that was banned was an item that was supposed to help with weight loss, apparently, and I don’t know how much more clear I can make this to you NFL BUT IT CLEARLY DOESN’T WORK. You want to ban a couple of players because they were fat and taking a weight loss supplement that just happened to keep them fat? Have you ever looked at Pat Williams? He likes being fat. God dammit, I hate you so much sometimes, NFL. Idiots. This makes zero sense. Regardless, my ticker has started to lean a bit more towards the “Oh Noez” indicator with this suspension news. With the Vikings first four games next year against the Saints, Dolphins, Lions and Jets, they’re going to be facing some fairly run heavy teams. Can Jimmy Kennedy and Fred Evans replace both Williamses? …. I say no. Which is bad news. 2010 may start out pretty rough. Childress talks about offseason: Although it really chaffs my chode to write this, the 2010 season will start out even worse if Brett Favre isn’t a Viking. I anticipate that he will be, yet wouldn’t be entirely shocked it he wasn’t, but I think we can all agree that TarVar as a starting QB would probably ensure another 8-8 season. However, to be fair, I do want to see what he can do as a full time starter one more time. Regardless, if you haven’t seen it yet, there is a pretty decent video that Childress does for the NFL.com video blog talking about off season notes. He covers Favre, Adrian’s fumbleitis, and how he thinks Greg Williams plays dirtier than Lindsay Lohan on defense. It’s a fairly decent video, and maybe most importantly, if it’s a recent video, it looks like Brad grew his goatee back and ditched the pedo-mustache. Maybe it was done because of the whole Lawrence Taylor rapey stuff. Can never be too careful distancing yourself from criminals, Brad! Toby Gerhart knows everything: However, don’t worry about Favre, guys! Brain child and new Vikings running back, White Lightning, has pretty much confirmed that Brett Favre will be coming back in 2010! Yup, no worries! Put all the speculation to bed. The rookie running back, who over a month ago thought he was just as likely to be a Texan as a Viking, has emerged as a vessel of knowledge on all things Vikings. His recent interview on the Dan Patrick show indicates such truths. Wait, what is this? … Gerhart is a rookie that doesn’t know his ass from his urethra? Oh, that’s what I thought. In other words, why the hell are you people asking Gerhart if he knows whether or not Brett Favre is coming back? Why would he have any special privilege? He’s white (eeeeeeeee ….). Do you think the team provides this type of information to all rookies once they walk through the door? Because they don’t. You may as well just ask me for my “insider” knowledge. I mean, I have a 50-50 shot at being right. Then, when I am right, I’ll claim to be the most awesomest person ever since Shawn Zobel. THIS CANNOT BE DENIED!!! I can’t wait. Terrible week all around for the Vikings: In real news, this was a pretty shitty week for the Vikings. First, the aforementioned news bomb that the Williamseseses are being suspended really lowers expectations for the beginning of the year. In addition to that, the sad news that former Vikings linebacker Nick Rogers died in a single car accident this week. Car wrecks and deaths like that always suck to hear. I remember hearing about Eddie Griffin and Malik Sealy as well in similar fashion, and it’s no fun. Also, I don’t really know why, but I kind of liked Nick Rogers. I’m sure I gave him crap when he played because, let’s be honest, a Mike Tice run defense frequently was less than impressive, but for being a sixth round pick he did a pretty good job. I think I secretly always liked his hair. Regardless, here’s to him. Finally, to cap of this shitty week, the state legislature and everyone’s favorite skid mark Tim Pawlenty has decided to thumb Vikings fans’ buttholes this week by continually turning down every logical proposal that has floated into their laps for a potential new Vikings stadium, without offering any real alternatives. You know who is making this really happy besides all of us football fans? Zygi Wilf. Is Wilf going to sell the team? See that stadium up there? Shit looks awesome, doesn’t it. I would finger bang Michelle Bachman to get a stadium like that in Minnesota. It’s purple! It’s receded into the landscape! It looks totally organic! It’s also in LA. Yeah, that’s the stadium that the Vikings will be playing in when Zygi finally has had enough of this shitty state and sells the team to LA owners and the Vikings move out west. This is all assuming that this short article that credits league sources and average financial acumen that says Zygi should sell the team and become a rich man (again). And you know what? With all the money that he could make on the Vikings (a cool $250 million or s
o) he could probably buy another franchise somewhere with his gross earnings. I wouldn’t blame him. Compromise and working with shit for brain people is part of life and business, but at some point you finally have to cut your losses. If Zygi ends up doing that by selling the team to LA, I won’t hate on him. Labor issues, unions, and retards humping doorknobs: This is really only tangentially related, but with the labor issues that the NFL is having recently, there has been some speculation that the NFL may continue on but with underpaid, under skilled players that would fill in for the likes of Purple Jesus and Jt if they all hold out. That got me to thinking, what current or former Vikings would actually qualify for that role? I mean, real underachievers that could fill out a roster full of replacements (like the movie!)? I have my list below, but feel free to add yours in the comments:
– Troy Williamson – Erasmus James – Ryan Cook – Kelly Campbell – Karl Paymah – Todd Lowber – Naufahu Tahi (see what I did there?) – Darrion Scott – Demetrius Underwood – Wasswa Serwanga
Who do you got? Put it in the comments. Shiancoe’s micro Iron Man 2 review: Speaking of movies, here is a “Shiancoe at the Movies” micro review of Iron Man 2, which he tells us he saw last night: “Hey cool kids, I just wanted to write in real quick with a quick review of the newest summer blockbuster hit, Iron Man 2! I was really excited going into this first movie, as I had just recently saw Iron Man in 2009. The original Iron Man was great! He was a little tried and true, as far as dialogue and storyline surprises went, but still entertaining. I mean, we all knew what was coming from Iron Man, we knew the potential he had, but we never really thought he would do as well as he did. But Iron Man 2? That really has the potential to be the best one yet! Like with anything, more experience, more familiarity with the surroundings and the stories and everything else can only make it better. So I went and saw a Iron Man 2 last night (which I thought was a bit early for Iron Man to make a return, I mean, it’s only May) and was really, really disappointed. I was fully anticipating a movie about Brett Favre and I ended up watching a movie about robots. And the theatre was filled with a bunch of nerds. I mean, TOTAL nerds. It was embarrassing and uncomfortable. None of them knew who I was though, so I was able to watch the movie in peace, which was nice. Regardless, it didn’t live up to my expectations, but only because I was tricked. That Scarlett Johansson sure is lovely though.” Quick request: I am reaching out to make another request here for a minute. In a couple of weeks, PJD is going on hiatus while I go tie the knot. You can commence with the “who would marry you?!?” and “Bloggers have girlfriends?!?” jokes in the comments if you must. Regardless, daily updates won’t follow the similar newsy stories as they have been. Believe it or not, there WILL be daily updates (internet magic!) but I would like to open those updates up to those interested in helping out or sharing a story. What I’m planning on is a series called “Vikings Tales” where I and others share stories of different Vikings semi-related stories and events in their lives. This could range from anything and everything, whether it be a story about you going to a game and what happened, a time you watched a game with family members or family rivals and started fighting, a time when it happened the Vikings were on in the background while you were getting a blow job, a time when you ran into Percy Harvin blazing in college, cooked dinner for Antoine Winfield, saw Ben Leber at a Wolves game … I mean anything and everything. It can be funny, sad, depressing, awesome, awkward, naughty, whatever. I’d like to run your story and allow you to pimp any site you may have or whatever else. Any help here would be appreciated, and if obliged, feel free to send your stories to email@example.com and we’ll run them soon. Thanks in advance! Weekend send off music: It’s Friday. Go get sexy. Here’s some music to get you started.