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PJD’s Week Eleven Recap: That Got Uglier than Fergie’s Face

Uh, was not anticipating that: Remember when the game opened up and there were three and outs, and punts, and penalties, sacks and a kind of a nervous feeling when the Seahawk defenders were tracking down Purple Jesus for minimal gains and Seattle prevented the Vikings from scoring for the first time in seven quarters of play and you were like “Damn, this game might be a nail biter”? Yeah, well, that shit got dropped faster than a ball in a game of armless catch. After the Vikings decided to quit slapping some dicks around on the sidelines during the first quarter, they came out in the second and went all Leonidas on Seattle, eventually pimp slapping them to a 35-9 victory at the Homerdome. To say shit got out of control is a bit of an understatement. You could see the fight leave the Seahawks after the third touchdown in the second quarter, and they laid back and took it like an aged whore in a bordello. It was pretty ugly. I’d say many people got vindicated in this game. The Vikings, definitely, for Houshmandzadeh and Burleson shitting all over the team and going to Seattle, for getting another touchdown in a rather disappointing and injury plagued season thus far, and even TarVar who came in and, dare I say it, didn’t look eye-forkingly terrible after his first series? Even he ended six for eight with 77 yards and a touchdown. When T Jackson is putting up those numbers, you know the Vikings have tasered someone into submission. That attention whore Land Baron played ok: You know that dickface that caused untold amounts of heart ache for you for, like, your entire life? The Land Baron? The dastardly Silver Fox? That stupid fucking attention whore Brett Favre? Yeah, he played pretty well Sunday. That bastard continues to flap his dick in my face week after week, essentially saying “Come suck it, you coward, while I keep throwing four touchdowns a game”. Ok, Favre, you got me. You are owning this season. Favre ended up finishing the day 22-25 with 213 yards and four touchdowns. Apparently he leads the NFL now in games played where he’s thrown four touchdowns in a single game, beating out Dan Marino for that lofty record. I heard he also leads in the NFL in games played like a kid. Congrats, I guess, on leading in another Favrian stat. But more so, thanks for not making me hurt my wrists this year by shaking them vigorously at you, since you’ve only throwing three interceptions (thus far). I totally was anticipating many, many, many, many more than that from you, so this has been a pleasant surprise! Let’s just keep your mouth shut, continue playing effectively, win me a Super Bowl, and then retire in peace. Or come back and do the same thing, AND ONLY THE SAME THING, again next year. Yet, despite how well Favre played today, and despite the deep throating that the newspapers will write about his orgasmic stats day, I wasn’t the most impressed with him during the Seattle game. Instead, that notoriety goes to … PJD’s Mushroom Stamp of Approval – The Vikings run defense: Did you look at the team stat sheets? I did, because I’m a SPORTS ENTHUSIAST! Actually, I did so because I figured I had to in order to justify this declaration, but the Vikings allowed FOUR total rushing yards to the Seahawks Sunday. FOUR. That’s less fingers than you have on one hand and one more testicle than I carry with me every day! To a professional football team, no less! That is ridiculous, and even more noticeable because Winfield, the team’s scrappy outside run stopping staple, was out for his fourth consecutive game. This bodes very well for us, my friends, that the Vikings were able to hold a team to such an obnoxious rushing stat even with star players out and their backups in pretty much the entire fourth quarter. Because of that, I give everyone that had a tackle on a rushing play this game the Mushroom Stamp of Approval. I’d go back and find who had tackles on each individual rush, but I don’t actually care that much. Also of significance in this category is the fact that when the defense stopped the run, the opposing team didn’t just start airing it out for 700 passing yards on the team like has happened in years past. That’s surprising as well, as Hasselbeck has thrown for like 400 yards this year in a game. Either the front four’s pressure is getting better (only one sack this game, but overall, obviously yes) or the defensive backfield is playing better. Either way, keep winning and I won’t care! The Favre effect: I’m going to try and make an argument here that is not dick joke related, although bless your heart, I’ll try to work one in here somewhere. That’s what she said? Does this count already? Anyway … The most beneficial thing about having Favre on the team this year is the long term developmental effect that he’ll have on the younger players. Ok, so the wins are probably more important, really, but when this old hag finally eats it and leaves the team and the Vikings are stuck with TarVar, Sage or Colt McCoy at quarterback in the near future, they’ll have some nicely developed talent around themselves to work with, ala Benetration did in his rookie year with the Steelers. Think about it. Rice has had a breakout season. Shiancoe will end up with a career year. Harvin hits the pros running with Favre as his QB. These guys, both physically and mentally, have developed leaps and bounds this year with Favre’s assistance. Just look at what Rice did when TarVar came in. You think last year Sticky Rice would have made that challenged catch, or scored his touchdown with those moves? Sticky’s significant plays have increased with Favre and even without him in, you can see that now he just knows what to do with another quarterback. You can call it confidence, chemistry, or whatever other worthless term Peter King uses as a descriptor, but it’s almost palpable. The skill position players on offense have benefited from a veteran quarterback beyond belief, and when the Land Baron finally goes back to spitting tabaccy on the fields, these guys will still be here and know what to do without him. Unlike your mom. She has no idea what to do when I leave her bedroom. Going back to being forgotten: I saw today that Seattle had Walter Jones and Lofa Tatupu out for the entire season. I also remembered that Aaron Curry, that stud linebacker from Wake Forest I believe, plays for the Seahawks. I totally had forgotten all of these things because Seattle fucking sucks. They
are now 3-7 and four games back in the division. They’ve only won two more games than the Rams, and one more than the Lions. AND THEY HAVE A VETERAN TEAM TO BOOT. I love this shit even more because Jim Mora Jr. is their head coach, and he’s a cock bag. I don’t really know why. Some of it has to do with his face and some of it has to do with his cockbaginess and stubbornness to change his coaching styles when he was in Atlanta. So, really, this couldn’t have happened to a nicer person. Or team. Or city. I’m sure when the NFL was making this schedule months ago they considered the possibility of playing it in Seattle, until they realized that those hippies were playing a soccer game at Qwest field instead on Sunday. THIS IS AMERICA! WE PLAY FOOTBALL DIFFERENTLY HERE! And better, by the way. Regardless, I fully anticipate not hearing about Seattle until draft time in April now, and am very happy for that. Tweet o’ the Game! We are going to try another new feature here in the game review called Tweet o’ the Game. Or that’s at least what we’ll call it until we come up with something more creative. What we’ll do though is share some of our favorite Tweets that we saw during the game and add what was going through our head in response. So Tweet away! The funnier you are (or smarter, I guess), the more likely we’ll like it. Just sayin’. From mcge0100 and Michael in Maine comes commentary on Percy Harvin’s conversation with Pam Oliver prior to the game. I think I missed this because I was passed out somewhere until right at game time, so if anyone could elaborate on what was said, that’d be great. But here’s what they had to say:

“I’m willing to bet Percy Harvin nailed Pam Oliver REAL good.” “Pam said every inch counts after the interview when she said he was 5′ 11″ and JB said 5′ 11″ and 3/4″”

I’m assuming that the 5’11” and ¾” was an innuendo to Percy’s cock? BOOSH. Pam Ward got banged. From APkrawczynski came:

“Vikings dance team trying to connect with the younger generation with routine set to 1920s bebop.”

I am assuming you were at the game? If they were wearing poodle skirts this music selection is fine by this younger generational member. Also, if they were topless that would have definitely helped. Finally, from Walllessfury comes my new favorite phrase to yell out in bed:

“Shiancoe Shyahtzee!!!!!!!”

Use it wisely, kids. The Shiancoe Shyahtzee is a life changer. A quick shanking around the NFC North: The biggest news of the day, if you paid attention to Howie Long and Chris Berman between their respectively suicide inducing commercial plugs, was the game between two cunt punchingly bad 1-9 teams in the Browns and the Lions. While no one was watching, the Lions single handedly prevented the firing of another Ford Plant employee when young Matthew Stafford threw a touchdown pass with no time left on the clock to clinch the game for the Motor City Kitties. The Lions won, but unfortunately just handed the Browns the first pick in the 2010 draft. YOU STUPID FUCKS CAN’T EVEN LOSE RIGHT. If you beat the Packers on Thanksgiving though, all will be forgiven and you’ll become my second favorite team probably ever. Speaking of the most offensively named team in history, they managed to eek out a win against the 49ers at home as well, bringing their record to 6-4. Hope you enjoyed it though, Packer fans, because reports now indicate that Al Harris and Aaron Kampman are both out for the season with injuries. This, of course, makes me happier than this Picard picture and I fully anticipate you shitting the bed for the rest of the season. At least this gives me a reason to follow you still to, you know, see how low the Packers fall. If they’re lucky, they may even join the Bears as an abomination of a football team. I’ll hold most of my Bears hatred for now, as we still have to cover them twice more this season, somehow, but it was fantastic to watch Jay Cunt-face toss that pick to end the game aaaaand probably their season. Go suck a witch’s tit, you overrated asshats. As it stands, your Minnesota Vikings are sitting pretty at 9-1, a winning season guaranteed and a division title all but wrapped up. Next week, we’ll start focusing more on the home field advantage watch! YAY! A winning haiku for a Vikings win: Seahawks called “Uncle” When the Vikes QB took field; Tarvaris Jackson!   Enjoy the week everyone. PJD should follow a pretty normal schedule of posts this week, perhaps with just some posts being … posted … at odd hours. Regardless, stay here as we prepare you for another NFC North team fisting when we preview the Vikings versus the Bears this Friday! Stay cool cat. Most images via Yahoo!, ESPN, & Vikings.com