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PJD’s Masturbatory Preseason Game Preview: A Bunch of Random Guys Show

EEEEEEEEEEEE! *Breathes Into a Paper Bag*: I feel like a girl who just got her period for the first time, except without all the freaking out about who’s blood is this and everything, but HOLY SHIT REAL VIKINGS FOOTBALL IS BACK! And with this comes another PJD Masturbatory Game Preview. Since the end of the 2009 season, we’ve come across some new followers, so, just as a quick recap, usually the last business time day before a game, we here at PJD will post a game preview loaded with information that most often is useless, but sure is a great way to pass the day, but also should get you relatively prepared for Vikings football. There are different features each week and they will vary, but it’s been Game Time Snack of the Week, Drink to Get Your Shit Tossed for the Week, Cheerleader From the Opposing Team that Gets me Kind of Aroused of the Week, Game Day Predictions, and so on and so forth. The attempt is to make this interactive and a place you can go to throughout the weekend and on game day to post your thoughts and share your ideas about the games. And stay active, too! On Twitter, we frequently re-Tweet some of the top game day comments, and come Monday (or the day after the game) we have a wrap up feature similar to this showing the Top User Tweets, haikus appropriate for a win or a loss, and we award the prestigious PJD Mushrooom Stamp of (Dis)Approval, depending on what happens. So Sweet Baby, we got a lot to get to, and the season is just starting. SO HELL YEAH, WHO ARE WE PLAYING???!?!??!? Oh, wait, we’re just playing the Rams? Well, this is a total fucking buzzkill. Seriously, the Rams? Are we just saving ourselves until the Saints, or what? Who the hell made this schedule? Well, whatever. Football is back, and at 7:00 PM on Saturday night, you’re lying to yourself if you don’t think you’ll have your couch-ass-groove all set and ready to go and wringing your hands over the start of the NFL season. Is it going to be totally worth it? No, preseason games never are. And especially this one, where the opponent is going to be Sam Bradford, in all of his six year, $50 Million guaranteed contract, and his band of no-name receivers. On top of this, Bradford probably won’t even see that much playing time because he’s as fragile as a torn asshole. Could you imagine your first NFL game going against Jaen, even for a series? Fuck that, I’d fake sick or something. So, inevitably, when Bradford and the other starters go out, here is a list of random guys that you can expect to be watching Saturday night:

– Thaddeus Lewis – Chris Ogbonnaya – Michael Hoomanawanui – George Selvie

Ok, I’m busted. I just picked those names because I liked them. To be fair, there are some guys on the Rams that I am interested in seeing in NFL action like Selvie, Mardy Gilyard, and Adam Goldberg. Ha, just kidding. Goldberg sucks. We know. Who the hell are all these guys? Ok, so there’s a ridiculous number of rando’s with the Rams, what about with the Vikings? Who should we be watching? Well, due to the outrageous number of injuries seen at camp this season (including Rice, Peterson, and the prolonged absence of Harvin), and thanks to Childress mentioning that the starters are going to be in and out faster than your first sexual experience, we can expect to see a heavy dose of Taye Biddle, Logan Payne, Ian Johnson, Chris Clark, Bill Noethlich, and DeAndre Wright. Yeah, I forgot half those guys were on the team as well. See, this is what I hate about the preseason. Sure, I get from a coaches perspective that this may be a real helpful thing in the evaluation of second, third, or fourth tier players. You get to see them in some live action, with full pads on, and maybe you’ll even see some rookie die. Cool. But for the majority of the fans, this sucks. You ever go see a preseason game live? It’s a heart breaker. You’re jacked for like 10 minutes, and then the starters leave after one series and you’re stuck watching Junior Varsity high school football. In the Metrodome, no less. Really, I think because all these “injured” stars lost all this valuable time in training camp that Childress should play them MORE to really teach them a lesson! Because he’s such a hard nosed guy, you see … Who to spy with your little eye: Now, again in fairness, there are some guys I am genuinely excited to see in some live action tonight. I’ve been hearing mixed reviews all camp about the Albino Rhino (new suggested nickname) Toby Gerhart, so I’ll be interested in seeing how he performs once he’s stopped being hazed by large, angry, old black guys that hate him (*Pat*cough*). Also, you figure we’ll see a lot of Asher Allen and Chris Cook at corner, since the other cornerbacks are still slowly dying (Winfield, Griffin) or veteran enough that we already know what we got with them (Sheppard, Sapp). So, seeing some young guys there who the team has invested in will be NEAT. Also, we can maybe start evaluating some of these later 2010 draft picks that at the time seemed so lackluster. Can Nate Triplett really play at an NFL level? How far can Joe Webb really throw the ball, and will he get time at wide receiver? If Ryan D’Imperio makes one successful block in the backfield, or at least stays off the field during a huddle when he’s supposed to, do the Tahi being cut rumors start? There will be some intrigue there. And of course, the Magical Griffen will be good to see live. Maybe he’ll break Bradford’s shoulder again. That’d be swell. Scotch of the Week: I have picked up an expensive habit since last season, namely that of drinking copious amounts of delicious scotch. Since that time, I have amassed quite the selection to share with people for a game time drink. Is scotch really the best thing to drink during a football game, though? No, it probably isn’t, unless you want to nap during the afternoon games, which is entirely likely. I’m not saying you HAVE to drink scotch, per se, but if you do, here is this week’s suggestion. Really more novelty than actual drinking preference, the Ardbeg Ten Year is a mind blowing peaty scotch. The best way to possibly describe it was given by my wife who said “It’s like the overall experience of kissing a stereotypical Harley guy; a little ashtray, a little sweat, some strong booze, and it makes you recoil.” She prefers wine, so whatever. For me, I think you pick up a bit more campfire notes that ashtray notes, but there is that distinct North Shore campy smell and behavior to it. It’s almost perfect right now as we start pushing late into the summer and people can still enjoy the outdoors, because, clearly, once football comes on again, all bets are out the window, while we stay firmly planted on the couch. Your obligatory attractive noun from the opposing team/city: So, clearly these two are some fair ladies from (or at least representing) the city of Saint Louis. You can tell, because they have the Arch in the background of the first one, you see. Of note as well though is the second picture. Let me pose a question. Is this not the most unattractive photo setting you could imagine? What is this, some run down, crumbling bridge? It’d be like taking the Vikings cheerleaders down by the Stone Archway Bridge in Minneapolis and asking them to act all sexy. Really? I mean, right in front of that homeless dude in the alcove and with all this goose shit everywhere? OH FUCK YEAH, BABY!! LESS DOO DIS!! Stupid. Obnoxious preseason prediction bound to be wrong: Why are we prediction a preseason game? Because it’s kind of tradition. Beyond that, I have no good reason for you. What I anticipate will happen is that the Vikings will lose, let’s say something like 17-24, because why not? It’s a scrub match up and, my God, do the Vikings have some scrubs. This game will serve as a reminder to all Vikings fans what the Childress offense looks like without a Dong Shooter behind center, and get everyone into a frenzy about how terrible this season will end up and how much of a disaster it will be, based on scrub play from one preseason game. Now, will that be a valid criticism? … Well, maybe. The regular season schedule looks harder than a Twins playoff series win against the Yankees, and the roster is already filled with injuries. This isn’t a time to make the season prediction, but I’m just saying, for those people who will inevitably transfer the results of one lousy preseason game to the regular season may not end up being that far off. Will I be wrong? Oh, for sure. I pretty much always predicted a loss last year as a way to hedge expectations, and that turned out pretty well, didn’t it? But at least for this weekend, let’s watch those rookies and training camp studs battle for the practice squad, thinking that they’re about to join a Super Bowl squad. That just sits much better with me. As a reminder that no one will follow: We will be Tweeting about the game tomorrow night on our Twitter, and again, the best Tweets from the game will be shown in our game review Monday. We’ll be posting some questions over on our Facebook page in relation to the game, so check that out as well. Any other plans you have for the first Vikings game of the season – whether it be a lucky jersey you’ll wear, what beer you’ll be devouring, what porn star you’ll lather yourself up to, whatever –  post them here for us all to share. And if anyone … ANYONE … ever has a Mail Dump question to send, keep doing so. We usually have the Mail Dump in the Friday preview post, and that usually gets rolling after the first game, so feel free to e-mail us and we’ll work on that too. Until Monday then, take a deep breath … we’re almost there. Football season will melt your mortgage foreclosure away! Enjoy the game.