Guys, We Might Be In Trouble: You know how everyone says the third preseason game is usually the one that is treated like the real thing? Most of the starters play, it’s right after training camp, but far enough from opening day where people can get some reps in, rest up, and hit the season full boar. That’s great and all, if your favorite football team does well. They do go through their motions, put up two or three touchdowns, show some awesome defense, and then call it a day. Their performance gets you all excited for the season because you’re like, “Awww yeaaaahh!! We’re going to perform like that EVERY week! I BE JACKED, YO!” When your team SUCKS, however, it’s not nearly as fun. In fact, things end up looking frightening as well. Really, like the worst nightmare you could think of. For Vikings fans, as the team lost 10-12 to the Chargers on Friday night, you all know that feeling. It’s the feeling of walking in on your Dad using a Fleshlight, or passing the time after the game on the internet wacking off to some Asian porn, only to find out you climaxed to a Lady Boy. Rough shit, dude. But we all have been there now after watching that on-field abortion Friday night.
Luckily though, the trend from the good teams hold true as well. When the team plays great, we’re all thinking they’ll never falter. When the team plays horrible, they’ll never get any better. The truth is always somewhere in the middle, meaning the team honest to God could not play any worse than they did on Friday night, so it should all be uphill from here! 4-12 season, HERE WE COME!
Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: You have no idea how difficult it is to just pick one player to toss a shit stain on their forehead. Devin Aromashadu sucked in bunches, as did Michael Jenkins, with drop after drop. That was pretty disappointing from two guys who are expected to be playing significant minutes during the season, especially with Jerome Simpson suspended to start. The entire offensive line made my pants sad too, as they weren’t opening up great running lanes and getting quarterbacks sacked like they’d been paid off by the opposing team. But most disappointing was Ponder’s night in the big dress rehearsal, where he was going to shine and show people he was ready to lead this team this year. Instead, he threw one interception, was sacked five times (his fault or the lines? Who can tell on this team!), and completed roughly 55% of his passes through the third quarter. Ick. It’s not like he’s Joe Webb here, where he can get away with a low percentage because the other times he goes running around like a graceful deer for touchdowns. I was really expecting Ponder to show us all something, and he didn’t, not even with his shirt off. Chalk that up to one disappointing night.
Everyone Is Pretty Much Dead: Barring a miraculous win, the only other thing we really wanted to do was come out of the night without any injuries, and we couldn’t even do that. As Daily Norseman pointed out, the team left the field Friday night looking like a clip from MASH. Luckily, all of our players are bad at playing the game of football, so it’s not like any of these will actually impact our win-loss record at any point in the near future. But here’s a rundown of the injured:
- Mistral Raymond: Hurt himself stretching, essentially. Dressed but never played because he was hurt in pre-game warm ups. AMAZING EFFORT.
- Andrew Sandejo: This is that back up safety that walked around with his shirt off for a while during camp. He was looking pretty good for the last two games, but cut out early in this third one with a vague injury. Cramps?
- Marcus Sherels: Was stepped on by a giant
- Josh Robinson: Attracted a contagious virus of “being shitty” thanks to surrounding talent; currently listed as day-to-day while he fights the symptoms
- Eric Frampton: Fainted after realizing he was not related to Peter
- Rhett Ellison: Broke his back after trying to carry the load of the jersey number 40 during the preseason
So obviously none of those are real injuries, except for Eric Frampton’s. Regardless, they shouldn’t keep any of the players out for too long, but it does suck to have to happen to them now while they’re being evaluated. Especially for guys like Sandejo, who need reps in-game or in front of coaches to try and make the team. We’ll see if they can get back out on the field by Thursday.
Hankering Bits and Bots: There was so much suck to talk about, it’s better it we just put it in convenient suck-points so it’s easier for you to suck it all down:
- Rookie Matt Kalil had a rough outing, but I don’t think anyone is too worried about it. He’s a rookie, learning the ropes, and has faced some solid competition to start his young career. Give him time. But if he’s still playing like this after four games? CUT HIM.
- Although Ponder had a rough outing, I actually liked his deep balls (*ahaha*) that he threw. Percy could have had them both, but even if one wasn’t caught, the ball sailed well and was pretty accurate. I don’t remember that being a skill Shirtless Ponder possessed last year, so hopefully it’s something new we’ll see.
- And if not, maybe we’ll get us some Rosencopter??! He was a perfect 6-6 on during his time, and led us to a lead late in the game. It was a classic clock blunder by Frazier though, as he left too much time for the other team to move down the field for a game winning field goal. I’d call it a rookie mistake, but Frazier has been coaching forever now. WTF man. That play is going to work wonders against the Packers.
- Overall, the defense actually did pretty well. Sure, it wasn’t the stiffest competition (that’d be me … ahaha), but they still held a team to 12 points on the night, and out of the endzone. They gave up the one big pass in the third quarter, but other than that held their ground. I still don’t think they have any hope at all, but tease me a bit, you know? Get my hopes up now to crush them later.
- Harrison Smith looked better. Still had some poor angles, but I’d wager to say that’s because he’s playing catch up on game speed. His penalty was a bull shit call. He hit the guy shoulder to shoulder and looked like a bad man doing it. He should have been AWARDED points, really.
- We saw the bad Care Blair Walsh come out Friday with a missed field goal. It wasn’t a difficult kick or anything, and that’s why these misses he has are confusing. Hopefully he figures it out.
- Paul Allen and Pete Bercich were, once again, insufferable. Please come back to us, Mike Mayock. You’re not the preseason game announcer we need right now, but you’re the one we deserve.
- Kluwe did that Gangnam Style celebration at the top. He wins at life again. Thanks to @Qommie for the GIF.
You Suck, You Get a Sucky Haiku:
“It’s a simple plan,
To win, just don’t play football
Like the Vikings do.” Good lord that was a mess. I’m hoping it’s not foreshadowing of this year, but we all know better. #Blow4Barkley is back on! Whatever. Hope you enjoyed your Friday night regardless, and thanks to those who stopped by during the game chat and made the game more fun than it should have been. Some of us learned a valuable lesson that night to never bet on a preseason game. Yeah, I don’t get it either. But let’s do it again Thursday night, shall we? The game will just be heading into the fourth quarter as the vaunted PJD Fantasy Football League draft begins that night, too. Fun times!