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Purple Jesus Comes Forth From His Tomb, NOBODY TOUCH HIM!!

You guys … I … I think this is finally the day that we’ve been waiting for. It’s the day that has been told about for eons, it’s the second coming of Purple Jesus again! After the modern day Romans (those FAT CATS in Washington, who cheer for the Redskins, so quid pro quo, Romans) attempted to kill Purple Jesus last December, we’ve been waiting with baited breath for his return to the holy playing fields. And lo! The day has come! Or came. Yesterday. He was on the practice field with people yesterday.


And by all accounts, it was fine. Purple Jesus put the pads back on Tuesday and jumped in to some 11-on-11 workouts. During that time he received two hand offs and ran through the line expecting to get hit, he said, but that type of physical challenge wasn’t written in the scrolls for him. Coaches and trainers made sure that some IDIOT on our team didn’t send this prized possession back into their tomb prematurely. From the Star Tribune:

On his first 11-on-11 handoff of his first training camp practice in pads Tuesday, Vikings running back Adrian Peterson burst through the line, slipped past a trio of linebackers and made it into the secondary untouched. Not a single defender even came close to putting a finger on him.

Of course, that was all by design.

Yes, Peterson’s surgically repaired left knee seems to be nearing full strength again. And technically, he has been cleared to resume football activities in full. But until further notice, the Vikings have hung a giant “Do Not Touch” sign around Peterson’s neck.

“The rules are simple,” safety Jamarca Sanford said. “Do not touch 28. If you touch him, you’re cut.”

It’s a great line there at the end, because I imagine Jamarca telling people that if they touch Jesus they’re likely to both be cut from the team and FUCKING CUT BY VIKTOR AND PERCY FOR SCREWING THIS TEAM BLOODY AND RAW WITH YOUR STUPID TACKLING MANEUVER. But let’s also not pretend that we don’t see the irony here of Jamarca Sanford being the “enforcer” and telling others not to hurt their own teammate. Do we need to be reminded of what essentially ended EJ Henderson’s career, Jamarca?

Either way, it’s pretty arousing to see Purple Jesus back in pads and on the field with teammates. I’ll be honest and share that I was pretty close to cutting my arms WITH the tracks instead of against them when I first heard about his knee damage. I was convinced there was no way he’d be back in 2012, and frankly, that he may never be back thanks to the injury. I thought I just watched a brother die, dammit! It was devastating. And yet … Here we are, witnessing another miracle like it’s no big thang, like Purple Jesus has been convinced the whole time that it was nothing. “Shredded knee pieces? LOL, I got this!”

What a gift from God, I tell ya. Maybe if we’re lucky will get the second son of God to sign with the Vikings eventually too, pictured here on Purple Jesus’ lap with his swag already on “high” thanks to his big pimpin’ hat: