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Purple Jesus Diaries Game 14 Review: At Least the Packers Lost

Does that sound petty? I feel like that makes me sound like a poor sports fan. “Oh, the Vikings got their ass handed to them on a Christmas platter, but at least the Packers lost!” Those fans are just the worst. It’s like they don’t even know what winning tastes like, how it’s sweet, sweet juices can dribble down a person’s chin and how you savor each victory like it was your last. No, I don’t remember what that is like anymore. Even when we were kind-of-winning in 2009 with the Vikings, I knew it was all too good to be true. I knew we’d get stiffed with someone’s pinkie and we’d come crashing back to earth. I just never figured the fall would be like toppling Andre the Giant. I don’t even know if we’ve hit rock bottom yet! We may still be falling, guys! Think, that after Drew Brees rolled up in our hood and yawned his way to 400+ passing yards and FIVE GOD DAMN TOUCHDOWNS as his team pinned us down with their forearms and had their way with us, 42-20, we still may have a worse showing before we turn this around. My god … what is Sexy Rexy going to do to us next week? Is he going to throw cum lasers down the secondary’s throats? Will Mistral Raymond confuse it for foam? Will the game turn into an accidental orgy? Will Big Leslie not even mind because he’s lost in a such a deep depression? Shit is going to get a lot weird before it gets better, guys, and frankly?

I’m kind of excited to see it!

Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: My god, who do you even blame for a loss like this? I guess as you can see, I’m tossing the poop stamp out this week to EJ Henderson, but it doesn’t really matter. I mean, he was out of position several times and was atrocious in pass coverage, but it wasn’t like it was all his fault. I just really remember his “attempt” to disrupt a pass in the endzone and it was the most embarrassing thing ever. Listen, dude, I know you broke your leg and everything, OK? That shit was horrific. I have watched it several times and cringed during each viewing. I feel you. But you didn’t break your brain. How did you forget to play football? Not even turning around during a long pass? You have to at least PRETEND to track the ball when you’re breaking up a pass. I don’t know. Even saying that, EJ did end up with 9 tackles on the day, tied for the team lead. But this stamp could be shared by everyone but the three guys we all like. Ponder sucked dong, the offensive line was feeble, there was no defensive pressure from the front seven, we had two healthy cornerbacks and Marcus Sherels playing the entire game … What are we even supposed to do? I looked at the clock once when there was something like 7:00 minutes left in the third quarter and I just couldn’t believe that there was almost half of the game left. It was like watching a baboon give birth. Awful, awful stuff, with the blame shared by everyone.

Back to sucking for Luck: If the best thing about Sunday was the fact that the Green Bay Packers lost, then the next best thing was that Tim Tebow got made to look like a school girled bitch. Following that, it was that the Colts WON their first game of the season, giving them an overall record of 1-13, the worst record in the league. But not far behind are two teams at 2-12; the Vikings and the Rams. What this means is that all three teams are back in the SUCK 4 LUCK campaign, which admittedly has lost some of it’s luster with Luck’s non-Heisman winning season, but good Christ, would still be better than anything we have on the team. Luck still knows more about football than our entire offensive staff combined. Doing some ridiculously amazing sleuthing, I’ve been able to track down the remaining schedule for all three teams:

  • Colts (vs. Texans, @Jaguars)
  • Rams (@Steelers, vs. 49ers)
  • Vikings (@Redskins, vs. Bears)

Now, this is interesting. The Texans looked like absolute shit today, getting piss pounded by the Panthers of all people. They already have their playoff spot wrapped up for the season and it seems that they’re pretty content with that, being their first franchise playoff spot and all. I could see them loligagging the rest of the season and POSSIBLY losing to the Colts. If anything else, the Jags are so terrible too, that the Colts could even, maybe, win there. Could the Colts end up with three wins?! That’d be nuts. Likewise, the Rams have tough sledding the rest of the way. They’ll lose big to the Steelers, and normally would to the Niners, but in the last week of the season I see the Niners resting some guys and maybe letting a win slip through for the Rams. The Vikings have to be careful. The Redskins game is a reverse-trap game for us, one we could maybe win. The Bears are out of the playoffs as well, so the final game is going to end up being a normally played match, where each team is “playing for a pride win” or whatever vomit-inducing hyperbole Cris Collinsworth wants to throw your way. These three teams COULD end up with the same record. If that is the case, the tie-breaker now goes to strength of schedule. As is, told to me from a perfectly reliable, anonymous internet message board source that I have no reason to trust (but also no reason to distrust!), the current strength of schedule looks like this, identified by opponents total wins, where the weaker schedule gets favored (meaning, boy, these teams REALLY suck if they couldn’t even pull out wins with this easy of a schedule):

  • Colts: 121
  • Vikings: 123
  • Rams: 127

So we’ve got that two-spot locked up well. The Steelers and Niners will skew the Rams strength of schedule in the end, so we just have to have equal or less wins then them. It gets tight with the Colts. Obviously they need to win one of their last two games, and both are outside shots of happening. The Vikings just can’t screw this up. They have to lose the last two while the Colts lose one, and I would guess we could get that number one slot. That, would be, amazing. Let’s get it, fellas.

Crap notes: Back to the game of mis-cues!

  • I think it was last week that Leslie Frazier said Cedric Griffin wasn’t in his dog house. Well, when Asher Allen (who I thought played decent for the four minutes he was out there) went out with a concussion and Griffin STILL didn’t get in, you know some shit is going down. Cedric has to be gone after this year, I’d think.
  • It really pisses me off that Toby Gerhart is getting so much burn. I know people will say “Why bother getting Purple Jesus hurt? Let Gerhart run!” and I hear that, but man, he’s just so stupid.
  • Greenway was downright awful Sunday. Sickening. Watching him try to keep up with Sproles was like watching a fat man try to find his penis. Lost and confused.
  • I suppose I’ll credit Musgrave with trying to quirky plays to get the team going, but they sure didn’t work out. Christian Ponder lined up as a running back?! HOLY SHIT, YOU BLEW MY MIND, MUSGRAVE!
  • I heard Kevin Love blew the Vikings horn to start the game. That was probably the most interesting part of the entire day.
  • I also can’t get over how incredibly poor the offensive showing was in the first half. It was something like six points, 4 yards, thanks to two really bad turn overs from the Saints. So just think – This 42-20 loss could have been even worse! And to think, Vegas put this line at -7 on the Saints. REALLY?! I hope they lost entire vaults worth of cash. Morons.
  • Benny Sapp made a nice pass break-up. Good for him. Good for him.
  • Apparently Emanuel Arceneaux had a catch Sunday? I didn’t see it. I admit I was probably not watching by that point. Oops.

A loser’s haiku:
“Hey Drew, a question-
Does it ever get better?”
“For you? Not a chance.”

UUUGGGGHHHH this team bah-lowes. I was so bored watching Sunday I wanted to stab myself in the thigh just to have something interesting happen. I can’t believe there are two more weeks of this. I guess, if anything, we can cheer for some losses and fantasize about what a difficult decision we’ll have to make between taking Luck or going forward with Ponder. WHAT DO YOU DO?! I know what I’d do. But what a great conversation piece that will be between the end of the season (which was about 10 weeks ago, actually) and draft day. Exciting stuff! Let’s hear your opinion on it in the comments, as well as your general frustration. Let it out, fellas, you’ll feel better.