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Purple Jesus Diaries’ Game Two Review: A Spectacular Loss

Now THAT was impressive!
Well, my goodness! You’ve really impressed my this time, Vikings! After an amazing performance, both offensively and defensively against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in the first half you sure pulled a rabbit out of your hat for the last 30-minutes, a true magical performance. You had a 17 point lead at halftime and pulled some wool over my eyes and let it … DISAPPEAR! Wait a second guys, is that still Donovan McNabb at quarterback or is it … DAVID BLAINE! And that guy calling the defensive plays in the second half? I could have SWORN it looked like Fred Pugac still bit … WAIT NO! IT’S … TONY WONDER! And this melt down loss that is one for the record books? It’s merely an illusion, yes? AN AMAZING MAGICAL TRICK! Or, … wait … shit, no. That really just happened. You dumbasses really just let a banner day for Purple Jesus go to pot so you could give the Bucs one of their largest comeback wins in history and their fifth straight win against the Vikings, all while basically tossing the season away already by going 0-2 on the year. Now THAT … that is some real magic! Congrats, shit heads.

Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: OH MY GOD, THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE TO BLAME FOR THIS LOSS. Call me naive, but I’m not ready to call for Big Leslie’s head yet. I mean, the head on top of his shoulders. I wouldn’t ever call for his … You know what, never mind. Regardless, he’s clear. I could maybe blame Pugac for lack of blitz calls in the second half, or for the blitzes that he DID call not getting pressure on the quarterback anyway. We could also see if McNabb could handle the poop smack on his forehead, but I’d afraid it’d be too sweaty to stick after he was huffing and puffing for air after running for 10 yards out there. Instead, I’m going to single out Brian Robison, a player I actually wish no ill will towards and think is absolutely fine otherwise, but a player that I recognize probably killed us during this game today with his offsides penalty on the late fourth quarter punt. It was right after that the Bucs threw a 50+ yard pass and then a touchdown soon after to bring them within three points and leave the defense scrambling. Sure, it wasn’t all Robison’s fault, not by any means, but if that penalty is never called, what happens? Do the Vikings get lucky and milk the clock? Does Musgrave unclench his butt cheeks and start calling offensive plays not so nervously? We’ll never know, but it was right about then when I knew this game was lost, so for that, unfortunately, Robison gets stamped.

Fire everyone: But really, this entire team sucks. Everyone needs to get fired. Asher Allen needs to leave, Tyrell Johnson needs to see an unemployment line, Charlie Johnson needs to be selling insurance, McDonovan should be a professional eater, Double B-Cup needs to star in some gay porn, Phil Loadholt should be an extra in horror films, Erin Henderson needs to be a shock jock, Chad Greenway never should have left the farm, and Devin Aromashadu should go back to being a Bear. It’s so amazing how easily it is to tell what players are worth a crap on this team and which ones are not, that I’m not quite sure who’s responsible for letting the football abortions see the field. It’s probably Big Leslie, and he actually should be fired too if I’m being honest with myself, but I’m not. It’s not that hard not to suck, guys. Even look at Gerhart, Everson Griffen, and Sanford. Those guys ARE NOT good players, but I don’t hate them. In fact, I hope they stick around and keep playing well, maybe even in more important roles. It’s pretty simple; just don’t f*ck up. That’s it. It’s like all you have to do is wake up and not be a piece of shit for one day. I know, I know … it sounds impossible, but some day you’ll get it. Just not on this team. Because you’re fired. GTFO.

Is the coaching staff really that stupid? I’m probably giving WWWAAAAYY too many people the benefit of the doubt here, but it’s only two games into the season with an entire new coaching staff and mostly new players, which makes it really hard to judge just how good terrible this team is. If you look around the league you’ll mostly see teams who didn’t have to uproot and start all over again this season (Packers, Lions, Patriots, etc.) mostly not looking like they just split their pants bending over. I think we all probably knew this going into the season, but the Vikings really never stood a chance this year. There is just no way, with the lockout and a coaching and player overhaul, that this team was ever going to do well, like, legitimately well. Quite frankly, some of the success they’ve been able to show in 30 minutes during each game so far should be pretty impressive. Musgrave does seem to have some intelligent ways of using his players, Purple Jesus looks like the best sporting specimen ever in the history of man, and the special teams hasn’t muffed anything up super bad. Those are all encouraging signs! But will this team ever put it together and win? Sure, like four times this season, and each time it will make you feel sick to your stomach because it will be by the slimmest of margins. The best case scenario is that the team gets a stadium deal, sticks around for at least two more years, and then we get to see some return on investment, because it seriously is not going to happen before 2013.

What other 0-2 teams would butt pound us? Seattle, Indianapolis, Miami, Kansas City (maybe Atlanta). Would the Vikings be able to beat any of these teams? PPPFFFFFTTTTTT I’m not so sure. I think Indy’s defense would be salty enough to make us look bad. Same with Seattle, and you know if we were playing in a meaningful game that TarVar would of course embarrass us then. They wouldn’t even need Sidney Rice (who is considering surgery again, FYI. We won that game at least!). Miami would definitely smoke us. They’ve lost to two great teams in the Pats and Texans, barely. We wouldn’t stand a chance against that Hall of Famer Chad Henne! Or at least he’d BE a HOFer after he faced Asher Allen. Atlanta still has to play at the time of writing this (surprise! I write the day before!) and if they lose to the Eagles they’d be 0-2 as well, but come on … Matt Ryan would have an orgy all over our defense, without holding back. It’d be like a college wet dream. We could probably beat Kansas City, though. We’ll get a chance, too, later this season when we face them. That game might be very, very important as well, since it could easily decide the #SuckforLuck campaign. All of a sudden, these losses could get REAL interesting!

http://purplejesus.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/lions-2011.jpg?w=300Around the NFC North: For a while it looked like there was a good chance that after we’d win Sunday we’d be right back in the mix of the NFC North. The Packers were down and getting their computers stolen by Cam Newton, and the Bears were getting made to look like the Bears against the Saints. The Lions were showing how strong their pimp hand was in KC, but whatever, it’s the Lions and the Chiefs. Let’s get real. And then each team played a second half of football which I forget always happens. The Packers ended up winning impressively once their offense got on track (But Newton is the real deal and a bonafide star. Love that kid), the Bears continued to Bear it up (that first Brees to Meachem pass? Outstanding!) and the Lions continued to let out their RROOAAARR!! all over KC’s face. And did you see Stafford throw at all today? Christ, we are in trouble. He has a god damn laser on his shoulder. Calvin Johnson might have 700 touchdown catches against us next week. This is no joke. I can’t wait to go 0-3. Just remember, #suckforLuck!

http://purplejesus.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/ad0-career-rushing-tds.jpg?w=400Losing Haiku for a 3-13 season:

It’s a new record!
Never before have you seen,
A team suck so much!

Is the season totally lost after only two games? Yes, yes it is. But this is good news, as we now can look forward to Andrew Luck already! We just have to do a little bit worse, every week, and I think this team is up for it. Either way, continue to follow the process of the lowly 2011 Vikings right here, especially tomorrow as we feature the Tweets O’ the Game (a lot of angry tweets, can you believe it?) and lots more. See you then.