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Purple Jesus Diaries’ Masturbatory Bye Week Preview: The Best Weekend of the Year

We on Fall break!
The only downside, and I mean ONLY downside, to a Vikings bye week this season is that Purple Jesus effectively punches by fantasy team in it’s poop hole and forces me to roll over like a stupid dog because I can’t rely on his 18 points a week to bail my ass out. I am as good as dead in that league, but it almost doesn’t matter because the bye week is so awesome. How awesome? SO AWESOME, especially because we’re the Minnesota Vikings. You know what other teams do on their bye weeks? They take a trip to Mexico on some secluded beach. Others will do a trip across the country with their families, or return home for a handful of days to spend it with their wives and children. So precious. So adult. The Vikings? Ho-hum, we hire a gaggle of strippers from Miami to head north for a weekend where we rent a boat, put it out in the middle of Lake Minnetonka, shoot dice, gamble, look at boobs, and ask them if they are at all interested in some double anal penetration. Uh, actually not that untypical for a stripper party. If not that, we got half of our defensive backfield locked up in jail somewhere for choking a bitch out. That’s right. I think we can safely say the Minnesota Vikings know how to throw a f*cking party.

So let those skills trickle down to you and jump in to our annual bye week preview where I drink a bunch of scotch and then write about shit that probably makes absolutely no sense at all. I do think we talk about some Vikings related stuff though, so maybe that’s interesting. LET’S DO THIS!

Everyone thinks this guy is a moron: Earlier this week we had a blog post brought to our attention that raped our delicate sensibilities concerning this here blog’s namesake. Some writer, who I haven’t bothered to even do much research on because this guy is so clearly suffering from mental problems man, went out of his way to make the outrageous claim that Jonathan Stewart from the Carolina Panthers is a more talented running back and someone he would rather have on his roster RIGHT NOW than Purple Jesus. A sampling of his brilliance:

  • Before you get the pitchforks and torches ready to storm Starbonell Mansion, remember that the question was “who is the most talented RB in football.” Sure ADP and Matt Forte get a lot of love in fantasy circles, but their teams go out of their way to feature them. Granted, they make the most of their opportunities, but if Stewart was given nearly as many touches as those two, there is no doubt in my mind he would be regarded as the top back in football. Armed with great speed, power, and agility, Stewart can out run you, make you miss, and bulldoze over suckas. He’s also emerging as a serious weapon in the passing game with 21 catches (on 23 targets) thus far. Sure ADP has power and speed, but he leaves a lot to be desired in the passing game. Forte? Dude is racking up yards like whoa, but he’s nowhere near the between-the-tackles bruiser that Stewart is. J-Stew has all the skill in the world to be one of the greatest RBs of our generation, yet he’s a free agent in 25-fucking-percent of Yahoo! leagues.

Clearly he did this for page views, and clearly it’s working. There’s been a long discourse on his site trying to explain slowly to a slow person how embarrassing this take is to no avail. So I posted about it over on Rube Chat on the KFAN boards, and people became equally flabbergasted. I just … I am so at a loss for words, all I really wanted to do was share this with others so we could all read it, turn to each other speechless, and just go “Pfft, I … Shhh, wat? Realcomeon … I KNOW!” for about 15 minutes. That’s really all this deserves.

Jonathan Stewart. HA! Alright buddy.

What football SHOULD you be watching? While I realize a handful of you are inexplicable fans of the Minnesota Golden Gophers, the rest of the world shits on your stupid college team and actually gets to watch so AMAZING college football this weekend. Essentially, when LSU and Alabama meet on Saturday night, it will be the de facto national championship game in college. I know there are some idiots out there who still watch ESPN and have been inundated with information on this game, but it’s actually for good reason. These two teams would kick the SHIT out of the Vikings by halftime, making them legit providers of football entertainment. And believe it or not, college football is a billionty times better than the NFL any day of the week. The pageantry, passion, history, innocence, college girls, broadcast teams, plethora of games, mascots, bands, school songs, and everything else make college the best current form of sports entertainment in the world. Hands down. If you disagree I swear to god I will fight you. If you’re a Gophers fan and disagree, or just don’t get it, go shoot yourself now. You’ll never understand anything, ever, in your entire life.

So yeah, watch LSU and Bama. Good stuff.

Let’s cook! It is always during the bye week when PJD presents readers with a special foody recipe to try. In years past, we’ve shared our coveted (and easy to make! *wink*) pico de gallo recipe (seen here) and last year we shared what I called the white person chicken and waffles (seen here) which really is still pretty good to make. In fact, even thinking about it makes me want to eat the shit out of them. However, this year we’re taking a bit of a different approach and presenting you with a nice and easy breakfast item to make. It’s something I call Bacon Egg Muffins, and as you can tell from the picture above, they look awesome as tits. And as I can tell you from tasting them in my mouth, they taste just about as good. I suggest making these Saturday morning and enjoy with a sexy mimosa and maybe a backrub, but I’ll leave that up to you. On to the cooking:

– A pound of bacon, or whatever those normal bacon packages come in
– A dozen eggs
– Some goat cheese
– Fresh chives
– A muffin tin or baking dish
– Muffin cups, or whatever you call those paper/tinfoil holders for muffins that sounds less gay than what I just named them
– Salt and pepper to taste

Easy shit here, ladies. First, cook your bacon about 4/5 of the way done. For some reason, if you bake the eggs with the bacon it still doesn’t burn them much, so you want to make sure your meat is cooked first. Once fairly crisp and browned on both sides, place on a plate with a paper towel to let the grease drip off.

Set your muffin tins up. Get your baking dish and lace each once with one of those muffin cups. I think a normal muffin tin comes with like 15 spots or so. Next, take your bacon and line the cups with it. Essentially, you want to have the bacon act as a ring around the inside of the muffin cups. Then, you’ll crack open some eggs and drop them into the muffin tin as well. So basically you have egg yolks, a bacon ring, and your muffin cup. Add some goat cheese on top. Not a ton to completely cover the egg, but a four crumbles or so for flavor. Put these into the oven at something like 350 degrees for maybe 10 minutes or so.

While those are baking, dice your chives up finely. Once the eggs are done, sprinkle the chives over the top. Add salt and pepper to taste. Getting the Bacon Egg Muffins out of the muffin cups isn’t the easiest of tasks, but it is totally worth it when you taste it.

A random collection of songs you should listening to: I’ve been on a huge Hall & Oates tear for about six months now. It just started by listening to their greatest hits album but then slowly blossomed into examining their entire catalogue, registering to their Pandora station, and then just listening to any and all artists that sound like them. Does that make me gay? Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhmaybe but I’d like to say no. So while these next five songs aren’t ALL Hall & Oates, they are all in the same vain of style of music. It definitely won’t get you pumped up to want to watch football, but maybe you’ll be excited enough to want to have sex. With a real woman. Or mail order bride. Whatever:

  1. Daryl Hall & John Oates – “Talking All Night
  2. Yes – “Owner of a Lonely Heart
  3. The Clash – “Rock the Casbah
  4. The B-52’s – “Love Shack
  5. Billy Ocean – “Caribbean Queen

Holy shit … This collection of songs makes it seem like I’m 46 years old. I swear to god I’m not. Also, you got a bonus Hall & Oates song at the beginning, so consider yourself lucky. Things I like to consider? That this is the type of music Pondexter listens to. WE COULD BE SOUL MATES!!!

Meme of the week: Again, this meme has nothing to do with anything but for some reason I stopped on this one and laughed out loud. Mainly, it was the visual which was given to me of some human talking around, likely in a bathrobe, with these monstrosities on the bottom of their feet (pink of course) and then squating in their neighbors yard to take a poop. And then leave it there, but probably running away very hastily because of this nefarious deed. Hell, that sounds like so much fun I may try it this weekend too. Perfect time right? Bye week, scotch, and eggs and bacon and all.

Scotch of the week: This week we’re looking at a nice scotch that I have no idea why it’s being highlighted during the winter. The Glenrothes 1994 sounds like the perfect type of summer scotch, as you’ll notice with this not-super-funny-but-insightful short review which I did not write but can be found here:

  • Very bright and lively. Nice balance of flavors too. Zesty fruit (lemon, peach, ripe pineapple, golden raisin) on a bed of layered sweetness (creamy vanilla, light honey, lightly toasted marshmallow, and a hint of coconut). Gently dry, delicately spicy, dried citrus finish. Light enough and with enough zing to enjoy before dinner, but it should stand up well enough after dinner too.

I haven’t actually tried this scotch, but I do pretty much love any scotch that comes from the Speyside area, which is where this one comes from. The hints of fruit are easy for people to enjoy, but it also sounds like it has a smidgen of that toasted, fiery taste to it, like it has a touch of some kind of peat which always reminds you that you’re drinking rich people booze and you’re not a damn farmer. That’s how I like my alcohol: strong enough to make me forget my terrible life mistakes!

An attractive woman for your pleasurement: There’s something going around online at Esquire I think (or has some affiliation with it) and you end up with pictures like this one above. It has something to do with taking (mostly) very attractive females and then taking photos of them half naked in their own homes where they are “comfortable” and “willing” to take their clothes off and not call it rape. Hey, whatever. MY question is why is there not one of these in Pondexter’s pad with him making some french press coffee and just wearing a raggedy old white knit sweater that just barely covers the top of his butt cheeks. COULD YOU IMAGINE! He’d look over his shoulder and give you a coy smile. Such a sweet heart.

And that was so homosexual. On to the next.

Bye Week predictions: Ooohhh … This picture didn’t really help me. Anyway, what do we predict here? Well, we already know what all of the Vikings players are doing during the bye week, so that’d be useless to predict. What we DON’T know is what YOU’LL be doing this weekend, so let me take a crack at this. After reading this blog post, you’ll probably consider leaving a snarky comment – maybe even get so far as writing it out in the comment box – but then ultimately decide against submitting it. This will be for a variety of reasons with readers; some will be discouraged by thinking they have to go through a ton of hoops to sign up with LiveFyre, while others will just realize that they’re not very funny. Instead, people will shrug, make a mental note to Google “Esquire me in my place” when you get to your home computer to play a little meat tugging, while the ladies will back track to those shirtless pictures of Christian Ponder (page views!). Later, you’ll be chatting with a friend and will want to make mention of the egg recipe but probably won’t because you’ll be so concerned that when people find out that you read this filth they’ll judge you terribly. So you’ll forget about everything here until Monday morning when you’re back at your job, scrolling through your Twitter feed and see a new Monday blog post. You come on back over at that point because you’re bored, and that’s when you’ll realize you have no soul, and that you should really join in on the comments. But probably still won’t.

I got this shit figured out so easily. I guess regardless of whether it all happens or not, thanks again for checking in. Enjoy some football games without any emotional ties this weekend, as well. In fact, it might be a nice little preview of a couple of years from now when the Vikings have moved and we have no team to cheer for! Get use to it, and we’ll see you Monday for a Bye Week Recap!