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Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Game Four Preview: It’s Always Crummy in Minnesota

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse:
The Vikings are a pitiful team right now. 0-3 is a horrible record for any type of sports organization to start with (unless you’re a baseball team, but even then, you play baseball which means you’re boring as shit anyway), and so here we are with a team almost a quarter of the way through the season without having a win. SOOOOO, the season is already over. Let’s all just accept that and move on. That’s not really the upsetting part. The least we can hope for is just to watch a team which we’ve invested a LITTLE bit of ourselves in do something entertaining. No, they don’t have to even necessarily win (that’d be nice, I guess, based solely on entertainment and not draft positioning), they just have to try not to suck really bad. You know, keep the games competitive. Close. Display the propensity for competency and occasional big plays. Sell me the future right now, like you’re the Timberwolves. It’s not that god damn hard. The REAL upsetting part is that this shitty Vikings team can’t even do that. They’re playing an old ass quarterback who thinks more about cheeseburgers than blitz pick-ups, they have a shitty wide receiver who is more worried about his daily scarf selection than beating single coverage, and the entire defense is either old and slow or young and brain dead. “But get excited for our young quarterback and tight end who have awesome potential!” No. Pondexter is a doofus, and The Reindeer is a big, dumb white guy with no one to throw him the ball. How is this exciting? Purple Jesus, you are our only hope for not making me turn a Vikings football game off before it’s over. Please don’t let us down this weekend.

Thanks to Randle9311 from Rube Chat for another great Game Day Preview Graphic!

Just how bad are the Chiefs, and do we hope we win for Super Bowl revenge? On the plus side of this weekend’s game, we’re playing the Chiefs and they are abso-tootly horrible. Matt Cassel is the most bizarre case of quarterbacking in the history of the world. Hadn’t played a snap of football since high school, then comes in for Tom Brady and slings the rock around like an All-Star (Pro-Bowler, I guess?), increasing his trade value higher than Percy on April 20th, gets traded to the Chiefs and … Looks fine? I mean, he did help the team to the playoffs last year, but you get the feeling that had more to do with Jamaal Charles than this dork nuts. He is terrible, but in all honesty, I’d probably rather have him than McNabb, just not for the $35 Million a year he’s making, or whatever. You know what I mean.

The other part of this whole Chiefs/Vikings thing is that they can die in a fire for winning Super Bowl 4. Stupid AFL is stupid, and I hope all those teams get balloon butthole and can’t shit except through a straw in their rectum. Every time we beat this team makes the pain a little bit less … if you feel any pain over that loss. Truthfully, I wasn’t even alive then, so it means nothing to me. Instead, what I recall fondly is when Randy Moss went AFRO on the Chiefs unbeaten team in the early 2000’s with Priest Holmes, Trent Green, and Dante Hall in the Metrodome. That ruled. Probably one of my favorite, most insignificant, Vikings games ever.

McNabb is probably not very good: After losing to the Lions in impressive fashion last week, Coach Big Leslie made it clear that the Vikings were not going to move away from McNabb as the starting quarterback. I am OK with this, since McNabb is getting his dump packed in behind a junior varsity offensive line. People want Pondexter to come in and play behind that same line, as a rookie. THAT sounds like a GREAT idea. So no, McNabb isn’t going anywhere, but what the team IS going to try and do is fix his mechanics. You know, his throwing mechanics? The ones where he ends up tossing footballs into the feet of receivers who are only four yards away? Yeah, those. Well, they were, untill McNabb decided his McCanics were fine and is just blaming his shitty play of the offensive line. To a degree, he’s got a point. We suck, and we know this. But if EVERYONE knows this, why is nothing being done about it? Where’s the help blocking? And why is it that even when McFatty DOES have enough time, he’s still missing wide open receivers? Could it be because … he … suuuccckks? Yes. Yes, that’s the reason McNabb, so get over yourself and fix your shit or I will leave you to the homeless people under the Stone Arch Bridge. They will do ANYTHING down there, and I mean anything.

How to blow (second half leads) and can we do it again: For those who are all interested in real football talk (DICK JOKE!), The Viking Age posted an actually kind of interesting break down of how this team keeps sucking itself off in the second half of games. They essentially argue that it ends up being a total team effort which comes down to issues of field position, time of possession, bad play calling, bad line play, and penalties/turnovers. Well, that’s a lot of problems. I look at that list and see two things which jump out; bad coaching of players and bad coaching decisions regarding game management, all of which is kind of a surprise to me because I have yet to be TOO critical of the coaches on this staff yet, but … here we are. You can’t call a play to keep the clock running? You can’t coach up your 5th round draft pick to be a decent offensive linemen? Hey, I know as well as anyone that our talent is pretty terrible, but there’s bad talent on every NFL team, and none of them have let 17+ point halftime leads slip away. So can we do it again? Oh, certainly. If this is a coaching issue, and we haven’t fired any coaches, then it’s definitely possible. The best part is that the coaches are now in a position where they are going to end up trying to out think themselves and make even WORSE decisions to counter-act their intuitive desires, which is just going to lead to even worse play calling, somehow. I can’t wait.

Meme of the week: Every once in a while you come across a meme comic strip that really just hits home with you. This, while totally unrelated to Vikings football, is one of those memes. If you haven’t been this guy once before then I will call you a liar and punch your mouth. What really gets me about this one too is the faces. The poop face, the plunger face, the thinking face, and even then just the blatant lying are all hilarious. I guess you could probably do a rough translation from this to how you normally behave during a Vikings game while watching at home … Playing on computer, watch the Vikings build a lead to halftime, eat some Saltine Crackers, take a poop, nap, wake up for the fourth quarter with the Vikings almost losing, yawn, game lost, hit face against wall repeatedly, but then never admit to any of it. Pretty standard fare, IYAM.

Scotch of the week: We got a real doozy for you today. This one is the Highland Park 15 from Orkeny, a real cocky bitch of a scotch. I love it. In fact, I love all Highland Park scotches. I have had a Highland Park 12 at home for a while (it is now gone, because I drank it real well and got drunk, and now it’s gone) and that one was great too. I got to try this Highland Park 15 recently as well, and it’s even better. The color is richer (more of an amber, almost red hue) and it still packs that punch of a peat monster with smells of smoke, leather, heather, and malt. It tastes a bit coppery (PERFECT FOR VAMPIRES!) but is actually a bit soft and silky too, with the expected hints of smoke and salt, like your drinking sea water to get drunk, not to survive. The finish is smooth (unlike the Vikings? ZING!) and long, packing a bit of heat at the end that gets you in the throat (sounds like a blow job …). It’s still highly recommended. This one usually is a bit pricier, $60-$70 or so, but worth it because it’s so tasty.

She’s back, and she brought a friend! Remember our friend Melanie Iglesias from last week? The flip book girl on YouTube with the boobs? … The one you fapped to when you’re wife was in the shower. Yes, that one. Well, she’s back with another flip book, and this time … SHE BROUGHT A FRIEND. I just wanted to write that because it sounds like a movie line. The friend’s name is Lisa Ramos, but that doesn’t really matter. What DOES matter is that she is equally as attractive and that they look suspiciously alike. At first, It thought they were doing some tricky magic or something where they imposed two Melanie’s at once. My penis I was so confused. Anyway, there are some pretty solid get ups in this one, like the red and blue dress and the suspender look, so I recommended watching the whole thing. Alone. Next to some Kleenex. You’re welcome.

Winless predictions: I think it’d be an understatement to say we all know losing this game is important for the future of the Vikings franchise. Two 0-3 teams who could both easily go 0-16 because their TEAMS are both so terrible … we really need to lose this one in the overall #Suck4Luck campaign. In some amazing twist of fortune for the Vikings, we get to play this game on the road, on grass, in a traditionally hostile stadium. Those are good odds against the Vikings. My major fear in this game is that Big Leslie is going to stop being a retard and give the rock to Purple Jesus the entire game, and they’ll ride his talents to a win. It’s entirely possible, however unlikely. I actually envision the Vikings not playing well in the first half of the game, leading them to actually playing competent football throughout the entire game (rather just in one half), which may work against us. Across the board, we have to be more talented than the Chiefs right now. Better running back, better defensive line, Dexter McCluster is no Percy Harvin … But predicting the Vikings to win ANY game right now is a death wish, until it actually happens. The Chiefs Command from yesterday predicted a 20-17 win, and I actually think that’s a real smart prediction. And ultimately, good for us. This is a game we have to lose, and so that’s what I’ll cheer for. Let’s go get Luck!

Thanks again for stopping by, friends, and if you would be such a kind soul, please help this blog by retweeting and Facebook liking the SHIT out of this post. It actually helps and means something to this blog. As always, keep on Tweeting and following us during the game or drop us messages in the comments, and enjoy the game, if you’re able. See you Monday.