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Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Game Preview: Out with the Turkeys, in with the Bears

Ok everyone, back to work! Enough of this lazy time spent stuffing your fat face with turkey and bread, and sometime turkey, gravy, bread, cranberry relish and sweet potatoes all at once. You’re fat enough already, muffin top. Let’s get back to doing something important like watching the Vikings roll up on the Chicago Bears Sunday afternoon primetime game and get one step closer to clinching this pussy division. I would have liked to say “Thanks!” to the Lions for helping us do so if they would have beat the Packers on Thanksgiving, but they decided to keep fighting for that number one draft pick and look like stuffed butterballs waddling around on their home field trying to tackle. You fuckheads. Now we have to listen to delusional Packer fans keep their hopes alive and think that they are going to make the playoffs and repeat 2004 all over again, except in their favor. FUCK YOU PACKERS IT WON’T HAPPEN. Someone just beat them and put them out of their misery. Anyway, back to the Bears. It’s almost December and the Vikings are playing their first game against their divisional opponent that many thought were headed to the Super Bowl preseason. Well, hilariously they won’t be anywhere near it, and much to my delight they are failing miserably as both a team and a city. Which, continuing the seasonal tradition, makes me very thankful. Much thanks to a rube named Gandar over at Rube Chat for another Vikings Game Preview graphic!

Quite the inflated sense of importance you have, Chicago: Outside of Boston fans, there may not be a more insufferable group of sports fans than Chicago fans (Note: I am free to change my opinion on that statement depending on whom the Vikings are playing each week). The whole “Da Beaarrrs!” schtick, the allure of Soldier Field, their amazing defense and everything else about them is absolutely bullshit. This mythical history of intimidation they exude from that city has stuffed their fans sillier than I stuffed the turkey last night. As “tough” as your Super Bowl squad was when you won it all back before most of Bear fans were probably born, they also pulled probably the most homosexual advertising stunt I’ve ever seen in professional sports, namely the Super Bowl Shuffle. Congrats, you won that year, but no one will ever stop making fun of your team and you fans now because of this. Also, you’ve won ONE Super Bowl. Sure, coming from a jackass Vikings fan like myself that may be something to puff your chest out about. But let’s see here … you know who has won more Super Bowls than both of our teams? The Colts, the Dolphins, the Raiders and the Redskins. The fucking Redskins. The Redskins are fucking terrible, yet they have more Super Bowls than either of us. So what are you Chicagoans so cocky about? Your basketball title? The ones Tim Donaghy reffed? No one cares. You’re like the one time Chris DiMarco ever won a major. Now no one cares about you, so shut up. Oh, and deep dish pizza sucks. The dough gets all soggy in the middle. But if I fuck that when your sister isn’t around instead, I don’t miss her as much. BOOSH! Hahahahahahahahahahaha ...... Hahahahahahahahaha .... How is that trade working out for you? Really, I’m all ears. I hear your team, the Chicago Bears, in case anyone forgot, finally tracked down their big name quarterback that is going to take the team back to a stage of glory that the team was actually never really at? You gave up how many first round picks for this guy? Two?! You have got to be fucking me in my mouth right now, because I don’t feel a thing between my lips. Jay Cutler?? The second whorish coming of Brett Favre? The quarterback that had comparable numbers to the one and only TarVar? This is the guy that was going to save your franchise? Well, I revel in saying it. You guys are idiots. Everyone knew that Cutler was a hotheaded piece of shit that was one temper tantrum away from forgetting his insulin shot and dying, and Chicago went ahead and invested two years worth of draft picks in order to get him. Now he’s an interception machine that throws his teammates under a bus when they lose. That is some dumb shit right there, and I couldn’t think of a better way for this trade to have turned out, especially since Denver at least momentarily righted their ship Thursday night when they won again to go to 7-4. Conveniently, that will be the opposite record that the Bears will have once the Vikings jam their turkey baster in the Bears ass Sunday. Once again, Jay Cutler looks like a moron whiney bitch and everyone else looks full of awesome. See this? *******??!!!**/////****!! That’s me doing fist pumps and gesticulating wildly because I’m smarter and awesomer than the Bears front office. Retards. The return of the throwbacks: I cannot stress this enough people, but the throwbacks that the Vikings will be wearing on Sunday afternoon should, without a doubt, be their normal uniform that they wear every game, and this decision should be made the exact second that they are able to change them back since there is a time limit to when they can do that after they redid them three and a half years ago. The current ones infuriate me so god damn much I would be willing to take a punch from a hysterical teenager denied entrance to a midnight showing of New Moon if the organization promised they would switch them back. Like they did earlier on the Monday night Packers game, when the Vikings wear these throwbacks it just makes me face palm for hours on end because I get so upset over what I’m missing every week. The visual orgasm that occurs between the NFC North teams when the Vikings don these is almost too much. The Vikings end up looking like the classic team they are, one of the NFL’s historic best, instead of some douche bag squad of circus monkeys running around chasing chimp ass and handling poop all day long. The uni’s are so aesthetically pleasing to view it just makes me sick. It seems like such a simple thing to get right. Like the old adage says, if you want to perform well you should dress well, and the Vikings are starting to perform like a real football team, so it’s about god damn time they switch back to these artistic pillars of excellence. And for any of you that think otherwise, that want to fight in defense of the current ones, I hope you die on a shit covered spick. I am NOT joking around here. PJD’s Mail Dump: Yay! Welcome to another mail dump. Let’s get to business here. To start, Twitterer – No way is that a word – dcountryman asked a while ago:

“which viking would you want to have a guest spot on The League?”

Good question. I think you could address this two different ways. One would be “Who would be the most charming and funny?” or the other way “Who would be the biggest jackass and get away with it?”. I’m of a split mind here. I think seeing Shancioe on there perhaps flirting with the salsa flair wife would be pretty good. Maybe tying in an accidental cock flash could work for him as well. On the other hand, the guys could maybe go hunting with en and he could give them all mullets while they sleep. He’d also probably call someone a faggot, which would be controversial TV. But unless your league picks a defensive player instead of a team defense, that may not make much sense for a show that focuses on fantasy football. At least Shiancoe is a top rated fantasy player that people could seriously discuss. Either one though would be my choice. Yours? Leave it in the comments. From commenter Peter comes:

“Does PJ do any Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving?”

I highly doubt it. I mean, why would he buy presents for everyone else on his birthday? I know Biblically – well, at least the Bible version the honkeys wrote about Jesus – would have you believe that he’s a nice person that would think of others before himself, but come one. This is 2009. Black Friday (NO RACIST) is going on and there is shit that is on sale that people should be buying for PJ’s birthday. I imagine that, if anything, he just goes out with a football to like a Target or Walmart or something and just practices wading through the crowds and tries to not fumble the football. And if he accidentally knocks a woman down who is frantically looking for a comforter that’s five dollars off, he just picks her up then swoons her with his smile until he escorts her to a dressing room and splits the gap, if you know what I mean. Finally, from Wheezy a while back comes this story about a recent trip to Mystic Lake. If you didn’t catch it when it was left in the comments, it’s worth catching up on here:

“I was at Mystic Lake this morning-last night and I played high stakes with a couple of vikes. Tyrell Johnson was betting about 500 a hand and Jaymar Johnson was only betting like 25 and 50. It was only me and Jaymar at the one table and Tyrell was at a higher limit table. I didn’t hit my 16 once and Jaymar shot me an evil look. The dealer busted and I told him to fuck off he’ll never be any good hahaha. Ok so I made the last part up, big deal. We all know it’s true.”

Well, that’s what happens when you’re a higher draft pick, Jaymar, you get to do some high rolling. Chances are that he sat at the kids table during Thanksgiving at Purple Jesus’ as well.


Thanks again for all the comments and interaction. Seriously, send anything any time. We’ll keep going! A healthy game distraction: I can barely even think about food right now, but I will say this. One of the most underrated side items at the Thanksgiving meal is the small dish of pickles, olives and other relishes that gets passed around. At my place, we have dill pickles, bread and butter pickles and normal green olives. Now, I wasn’t totally in control at this dinner, but if it was up to me I would do things a bit different. I would keep the dills around because I could eat a five gallon bucket of dill kosher pickles, but I would also add in some stuffed olives, like an entire separate meal of olives. Jalapeño stuffed olives, garlic stuffed olives, blue cheese stuffed olives, olive stuffed olives … it’d be a wonderful sample platter. This kind of disturbs me because up until about three years ago I fucking hated those things. Olives could die a slow death. But now? I can’t stay away. My recommendation for Saturday is to go out to a Trader Joe’s and pick up some of their in house stuffed olives. Whichever combination you prefer is ok by me. And the best part is, even if you can’t eat them all in one sitting they keep like forever! Food that doesn’t go bad? Count me in. I think Chicago women scare the shit out of me: I don’t know why, but it might be because of their penchant for carbohydrates in their deep dished pizzas, it might be their generally surly attitude and brusque demeanor, it might also be because the most internet famous one, Sarah Spain, looks like she could pin me in a wrestling match pretty easily. NOT BEACAUSE I WOULD LET HER THOUGH. Also, I don’t trust anyone that roots for the White Sox, which means I am looking at probably half the female population in Chicago as well as you, Obama. Nor do I trust anyone that sold their physical self as an award for someone to buy them Super Bowl tickets *coughSpaincough*. Well, ok, truth be told that’s a pretty damn smart move, and if we’re being honest here, Spain does some good blogging work around the webz, but OTHER THAN THAT I don’t trust them Chicagoans. And that one girl with the B on her stomach in the top picture looks like she’s going to barf on someone, which makes me nervous too. Also, I found that file named “bearshoochies” so that’s how we’re going to keep it. A cautious game prediction: Alright. Really, that Bears defense sucks. The Vikings offense, led by Silver Fox, is pretty good. If you’re looking for anything that’s going to give, it’s going to be that right there. Sure, I’m a bit worried about our defensive backfield, namely, how will they hold up to a quarterback like Jay Cutler that has zero regard for triple coverage? Well hopefully they intercept the shit out of him. My holiday weekend would be complete if I got to see at least one sulk face from Cutler in the Metrodome. I’d say chances are pretty good that this outcome will actually happen. Cutler is a mobile little shit stain, so I’m guessing the sacks will be down, but the pressure will still be there. This will force Cutler into some bad throws, and with Winfield back in the starting line up the coverage can only get better. But who really knows. Of course, the Vikings also have Purple Jesus who, let’s not forget, is a Bear killer around here. PJ is going to run ragged over this decimated defense and I’m excited to see what Harvin does against these guys too. If we’re lucky, this game has the potential to end the Bears’ season convincingly. If we’re not, their season will still end because they’re going to lose regardless, but there will probably be less LULZ from me. Oh well. As in any division game I’ll call the home team, and this time it’s a 28-17 Vikings win.


Enjoy the game and the long weekend everyone. Thanks for staying with us late this week and our screwy schedule of posts. Hopefully you introduced this blog to your mom over the holidays! Just kidding. No need. She usually is pawing at me to come back to bed while I’m writing it. See you Monday for the game recap, and remember to be funny on Twitter for the Tweets of the Game feature on Monday!