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Purple Jesus Diaries’ Masturbatory Game Preview: Vikings vs. Redskins

Please lose: The Vikings are a team who can’t do ANYTHING right. They lose to the Saints in the NFC Championship after clearly out-playing them and overall being the better team. There’s the Falcons debacle. 41-0. Sex boat scandals instead of a quite bye week with the family. Losing to the Cardinals and missing out on the playoffs. The amount of foibles this team has shown throughout their history is simply REMARKABLE. And so it’s with understandable hesitation that I ask of the team, simply, to just lose. Just lose out. Sit Cedric Griffin the rest of the year, let Purple Jesus rest his ankle, start Christian Ponder – aka The Turnover Machine – and let Harvin go to Florida for an early Christmas present. We need to lose out if we want any chance at finally turning this franchise around. With the Colts losing last night, the Vikings sucking, and the Rams marginally better than us, we really have a shot at the number one seed and Andrew Luck in the draft. All I need from you, Leslie Frazier, is to continue to do what you’ve been doing, which is horribly managing a football team. Just stick to your guns, big guy! Why deviate now?! Wait until after the season when you are fired and we have a new coach! Think of the larger picture, and for once, make the holidays a wonderful time for a Vikings fan.

Thanks to Randle9311 for a game day preview graphic!

Haha, Rex Grossman: If there ever was a Christmas Douche out there who could ruin our holidays, it would definitely be Rex Grossman. Sexy Rexy and his dragon of an arm has me more worried than a nuclear winter right now. He’s started, been benched, been sent to the dog house, the cat house, the outhouse, and everywhere else you can think of this season because he’s so inconsistent and mentally unstable, and yet here he is starting against the Vikings. The good? It’s not like we’re foreign territory for him. He played against us several times as a Chicago Bear and – if I recall correctly – didn’t have any issues filleting our butts a good number of times. What, a simple cover-2 is going to contain his laser arm? Doubtful. The bad? Rex Grossman f*cking sucks, is a terrible quarterback, and never really looks like he has a neck. I can’t trust him to do the right thing and throw touchdowns and not interceptions this weekend. He’ll probably lose just on purpose, to be a Christmas Grinch this year. Unbelievable to think our franchise would one day come to this, but we actually need Rex Grossman to beat us to have our good fortune stay alive. Don’t fail me now, Sex Canon!

Suck 4 Luck is back on: Oh yes. The NFL handed the Colts a win last night over the Texans, and with their record now 2-13, the Suck4Luck campaign is officially back on for the Vikings. My renewed understanding is still that if all three teams in contention (Colts, Vikings, Rams) end up with the same record, the strength of schedule would essentially hold for the draft position to appear in that order, where we would still be picking second. Not a bad position to be in, mind you, BUT WE CAN DO BETTER! The Colts face the Jaguars in the last game of the season, in Jacksonville. And while that isn’t the easiest game to win on the road, the Jags are ridiculously terrible. The Colts have a legitimate shot to win that game, especially as they do stupid shit like “try to build momentum” for the offseason. What does that even mean? You’re still 2-13, morons. The Vikings face the Redskins this week (obviously) and the Bears the last week. Both are very easy games to lose, if we just stick to our guns. Meaning, this whole Luck to Minnesota thing is becoming legit, ladies.

Hypothetically, let’s say we do miraculously get that number one pick. What do? The answer is easy. You pick Luck and either trade him for a king’s ransom (including a young, starting left tackle, a number one wide receiver, a lock down corner, and a first round pick next year) or you just keep him and trade Ponder’s sexy chest to the highest bidder. It’s not that complicated, even though many morons out there will make it so. You, take, Luck. GTFO, Ponder. If the Vikings somehow get that first pick and screw this whole thing up, I will kill all the elves at the North Pole, I swear to Purple Jesus. He’d join me, too.

Buying gifts for Vikings players: The holidays can be tricky for people. Getting the perfect gift for someone is always a task, especially when you have such unique individuals as we do on this Vikings team. So I’ve offered to start a Christmas list for the players listed below. Maybe we could all go in on the gifts together one year. Naturally, if I missed anything, put them in the comments:

  • A Pope Mobile for Christian Ponder’s protection while playing quarterback
  • A pre-emptied pack of Swisher Sweets for Percy Harvin
  • A new coach for Purple Jesus
  • Gift certificates to Old Country Buffet for Phil Loadholt
  • Go-Go-Gadget rocket shoes for Chad Greenway (to compensate for his white-person speed, you see)
  • A new leg without any metal in it grown through stem cell research for EJ Henderson
  • A new Mac 3 Gillette Razor for Steve Hutchinson
  • A NDSU Bison sweatshirt for Jim Kliensasser
  • A Lego-built stadium for Zygi Wilf
  • A new snow blower for Greg Camarillo
  • Season 3 of The Jersey Shore on BluRay for Ryan D’Imperio

Any others? Let’s hear them in the comments.


GIF of the week: A clearly appropriate GIF for the week, this Grinch GIF is both classic and versatile in its use. Are you in a thread where someone randomly (“randomly”) decides to post pictures of a girl that looks suspiciously young? Boom, Grinch smile. What about when someone says they have a nefarious idea for a murder plot? BOOM! More Grinch smile. What about something as simple where you’re trolling the shit out of a bunch of nerds and they FINALLY catch on to your joke? I think it could work there too. In my head, I imagine one of the possible lines to go along with this GIF is him just saying, “I’LL never tell!” all flamboyant like. Good stuff, Grinch, you old green bastard!

Scotch Drink of the Week: We’re going to flip the script JUST A LITTLE and give you a nice holiday drink. While boozed up Egg Nog is always acceptable, as is a fine mulled wine, but we’re not hear to sip on wine and drink whatever the hell is in egg nog. We recommend weekly drinks so you can forget about the troubles in your life, get blacked out, and possibly end the night weeping uncontrollably on the bathroom floor. For said purposes, I’m suggesting the Iron Butterfly for a nice holiday weekend drink. Since it has Bailey’s in it, it somehow seems acceptable to people for you to drink it at any time of the day. “Are you drinking?!! Oh, that’s just Bailey’s and some stuff? How quaint!” I don’t know why, but that is totally, exactly, how people will respond. Basic ingredients? Equal parts vodka, Kahlua, and Bailey’s. I went all Rich Raven and bought some of that new Smirnoff Whipped vodka for my mix. It’s amazing, and I got wasted. Which was all worth it. Nice.


Some holiday “cheer”: Here’s a little Christmas present from me to you. Our favorite flip booking star (that is perfect because she doesn’t talk!), Melanie Iglesias, has returned to deliver unto us a holiday treat. Boy, I’d sure like to put a baby in her manger. Do you think there’s any room left in her Inn? Would she like my candy cane? I’d like to unwrap her box. Do you think Santa “comes” down her chimney? Ew. That one was gross. Anyway, you get the idea. Holiday theme + (sexy undressing + sexy redressing) = Boner alert. Don’t forget to pay attention to your Christmas bulbs, too.

Christmas Miracles: Well, this is it. This is where we find out if this team has learned anything. Can the Vikings go on the road and lose when they’re supposed to? Can they lose spectacularly like they did in Detroit? Part of me wants to say “Yes, of course they can. Have you seen these assholes play? They are terrible.” The other part of me is scared for my life right now, because you know this is the moment when the Vikings win when they shouldn’t, and they screw themselves in the urethra. You may be asking if that’s even possible, and I’m here to tell you that, yes, it is entirely possibly when we’re talking Vikings football. My gut is still predicting a loss, but I’m so invested in this team losing now, that I’m just not sure what to think. Let’s say they do lose, 31-24 or something, but pray with my to Santa Claus that I’m right, OK? I need that this year.

Enjoy the game, the holiday, and the long weekend. We’ll be in and out with posts, but keep checking back as we have some good things planned. Also remember, because of Jesus day, almost all of the games are on this SATURDAY, tomorrow, instead of Sunday. Don’t forget to watch!