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Purple Jesus Diaries’ Masturbatory Game Three Preview: Who Will Be Finishing?

The Vikings locker room at halftime:
“Hey guys, it’s 1:30 and halftime. Can’t we go home yet? We’ve played the first half of this game pretty strong, but I’m tired now. Let’s pack it up.”

/Alec Baldwin walks into the room.

“Hey, pencil dicks, shut up for a second and listen up. I hear you bitching here at halftime, complaining about having to play a full 60 minutes of football, that Suh is punishing you on the offensive line all day long, Stafford is throwing his tubby gut around like Kirstie Alley. You upset that you gave up that touchdown where you didn’t even try and you’re ready to pack it in. I hear that, but let’s talk about something important.

“Hey Cook? Put. That. Water. Down.

“Water is for closers only. You think I’m f*cking with you? I am not f*cking with you. I’m from Hollywood. I’m here on a mission of mercy. You call yourself a football player, Cook? You listen to this shit. The Vikings paid good money for your time to play against teams like the Lions. If they win, you win. If they lose, you’re fired. You’ve got good coaching, if you can’t win shit, you ARE shit! Hit the bricks, kid, because you are going OUT.”

“Alec, I’ve listened to the coaching. The coaching is weak, I can’t …”

“The coaching is weak? You’re f*cking week. ABC. Always Be Closing. If you want to work here, CLOSE. Go and do likewise. Get mad, you sons of bitches, get mad! You know what it takes to win? Brass balls. I suggest you get some, and finish this game. I’d wish you good luck, but it’d just be wasted on you. Good day, cock suckers.”

Can the Vikings finally close out a game and win?? Probably not! But thanks to “Ya Think” from Rube Chat for another great game day graphic!

I hope the Lions demolish this team: All bullshitting aside, the Vikings are going to get absolutely demolished in this game. Through two weeks of the NFL season, the Lions look like they could be one of the best teams in the NFC. Sure, they’ve only played the Bucs and the Chiefs (who are just … God, they may be the biggest competition for #Suck4Luck) but we played the Bucs too and looked like a junior varsity girl scouts group out there against them in comparison, AT HOME. We’re f*cked something good. I’ve also made it no secret about my love affair with this Lions team. Their offense is looking sexy as shit right now and their defense is building something nastier than dick cancer. I’ve also got a bigger man crush on Ndamukong Suh more than any other football player ever (with Alex Henery, the kicker from the Eagles, being a close second), and all I can do is sit and wet dream my pants to visions of Suh decapitating John Sullivan and whatever warm body is up at the guard positions as he rips through our pass protection like an erect penis through a virgin’s private area. BLOOD WILL BE SHED. Clearly, I hope he doesn’t hurt Purple Jesus, if for no other reason than I would enjoy watching him play more this season, but the rest of the team is pretty much fair game, so let’s go hunting, Suh.

Does the defense stand a chance? Short answer? No. Longer answer, you have got to be f*cking kidding me, it’s going to look like a war zone out there. Did you know that Matthew Stafford has yet to be sacked this season? Not to say that the Bucs or Chiefs have some awesome defensive line that sets sack records or anything, but you’d think there’d be some kind of accidental coverage sack once in two games or something. But no, he’s been standing longer than Stephen Hawking has been sitting, and I doubt that the Vikings are going to change that. Admittedly, #69 has played better this season than last and some new cogs on the defensive line have looked better than expected (Guion, Ballard, Griffen, etc.). With the Kevin Williams Pillar back, anything is possible, I suppose. But if you give Stafford three second in the pocket? GOOD BYE. No way Cedric, Cook, Sanford and Abdullah are going to be physical enough, smart enough, or quick enough to stop the Lions offensive weapons. Shit, Megatron can even sit out this game and I still don’t like our chances, that’s how bad the defense is, so don’t hold out hope for a chance win, ladies.

The Coaching staff’s halftime adjustments: The big concern through the first two games for the Vikings is the play of the team in the second half. As fans, we can’t really confirm whether this is due to poor conditioning for the players (bad team nutritionists, maybe, effects of the lock-out perhaps?) or just moron coaches that don’t know how to make half time adjustments, however, I am going to say it’s more the latter than anything. You can tell if you watch the defense. Pagac has enjoyed blitzing more than I can remember in the first half of games, and then backing off for the last two quarters. I’m not sure why he’d chance his philosophy unless he’s just outsmarting himself. Regardless, it isn’t working, but I’m hesitant to say his blitzing worked to start with. Watch a team blitz this game, and tell me if you’ve ever seen any other team do a similar blitz show such a lack of speed, penetration, toughness and even success in their blitz. It’s obnoxious. There will be four defensive linemen rushing with two linebackers coming late and the opposing teams’ offensive line this season has picked it up, no problem. God dammit Pagac, if you’re going to blitz someone f*cking blitz someone. Don’t just give the appearance of doing so! Send 12 guys if you have to, I don’t care, just get your job done and don’t let up. However, I fully expect him to do just that, once again.

Meme of the Week: Haha, “rocket penis.” I guess “technically” this isn’t a meme, moreso just an internet comic, but “technically” I hate your stupid face, so deal with it. I thought this was funny though, largely because it has penis references, but also because it relates to the NFL a bit. “Oh, Kyle Rudolph, you’re a professional TIGHT END? What, was SEXY BUTT taken?! HAHAHA!” and so forth. In fact, I can’t sit through a single NFL game without giggling to myself with all of the sexual references, and I know I’m not the only one. Things like:

  • “He really got penetration in the back there”
  • “He hits the hole hard”
  • “And Tom Brady goes down” and
  • “Tony Romo is fellating Jason Witten vigorously”

all give me a good chuckle. I’m sure I’ve missed some, so add them in the comments.

Scotch of the Week: I come bearing delicious imbibing options! This week we look at a surprisingly good scotch called “Strathisla 12” from Speyside. This one is a sexy little bitch, hitting at about 43% ABV as well, so you know it will succeed in the alcohol poisoning plan. It’s a bit of a golden rod color (think “Goldilocks pubes” for reference) and almost an oaky looking color, if that’s even a thing. This is a nice scotch for some beer snobs to work their way into, as it’s got a lot of beer like qualities: A bready mouthfeel (that’s what she said?), a finish of cream, maltiness, and a thicker finish. It’s not as smokey or aggressive either, which is nice if you’re a total wuss, offering notes of vanilla, marmalade (perfect for Phillip Rivers), and even some sherry as I bet it was aged in a sherry cask. Duh. Finally, it’s got great tasting notes of bourbon, raisins and more vanilla as it’s gayfully described to “dance on the tongue” like mah bawls in yo mouf. If you can, grab a bottle though. I’ve sen prices range from $30.00 – $50.00, which is pretty average for a decent scotch, but this one at least is highly recommended by MEEEE!!!

A fine lady to appreciate: Uh, I don’t know. There’s a girl called Melanie Iglesias (related to Juaquin?) that has some pretty sweet gifs floated around the internet for a while and in doing some critical academic research on this topic, I found the above video of which I fully approve, and hope you do as well. Even the lady readers out there should like this. Maybe we could convince Qommie or Feisty to scissor with this girl instead if they don’t like each other for some reason OR OH MY GOD A THREE WAY??!!

Fireable predictions: This is going to be a shit show. I just found out that Nick Fairley, the other dominant defensive tackle the Lions drafted from Auburn, practiced for the first time today since August 1, and if both him and Suh get into the game this week? PPPFFFFTTTTTTTTT. Sit Purple Jesus on your fantasy team, he is screwed. And so is the team. I’m not confident in saying they are TOTALLY going to get their shit packed in, like it’s going to be 52-3 or anything. The tricking part about predicting these Viking games is the whole theme of this preview … they’re good for 30 minutes but then crumble. This behavior KIND OF makes it difficult to predict how the team will perform then. Like, what if the offense is lights out in the first half and they put up a 24 point lead? I know, completely unrealistic, but is that too large of a number to realistically come back from for another team in today’s NFL? Also, you have to figure at SOME point the team will put their entire act together and play a full 60 minutes. Will it be this game? This weekend? No one knows! However, as intelligent fans we can all assume it won’t be, and the Vikings will lose. This Lions team is just so salty (and healthy!) right now, and Stafford is going to have a career day against our pancake asses. But I expect the Vikings to play well, too. They’ll lose, but it won’t be a blow out. 30-23 is the OFFICIAL prediction. STAMP IT!

Enjoy the games this weekend. Thanks again for checking out our preview. I appreciate the visitors and the comments, and hope we have lots this week. If I could be a bit of an asshole right now though and make a request from you, I would love it if you would help the blog out by doing something as simple as “liking” this post, retweeting the link on Twitter, or anything to have the blog name expand out to your friends. We’ve done a great job of building a solid group here and I hope it continues. And as always, follow us on Twitter during the game for a live tweeting of the circus and then stop back here on Monday for our game review. Thanks!