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Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory God Battle Preview: Broncos vs. Vikings

Let’s get sacrilegious up in this bitch: Alright, we’ve got no time to pussy fart around here. Let’s get straight to the meat and jubblies of this game preview today so we can get to afternoon drinking and touching ourselves thinking about Linda Cohn on ESPN. RAWR! You old cougar, come here. The Broncos are coming to town this weekend to play in our dilapidated Metrodump. The Vikings are somehow able to field a complete team this weekend, despite having put approximately 37 players on IR in the last week. Essentially, this means this weekends game is going to be a match-up between Lord Tebow and his disciples, in which case he is going to blow his holy water load all over their helmets. Do you have any faith that Jared Allen’s hands WON’T get burnt when he merely lays a finger on Tebow? Do it once, and you’ll learn your lesson. And will Purple Jesus even play in this game to keep things close? I doubt it. Why risk it with a high ankle sprain? It could have been an amazing pairing of Preacher Man versus Purple Jesus, and our team would have left the Broncos circumcised on the field. As is? We got bumped from a 3:15 PM game to a Noon game. That tells you all you need to know.

Thanks to Randle9311 for an amazing Game Day Preview Graphic!

F*ck you Tim Tebow: God, I hate this little smarmy piece of shit. His insistence that he’s a quarterback when he takes longer to warm up than a cadaver for a necrophiliac is disgusting. Frankly, I don’t think anyone gives two shit smeared wipes about him talking about Jesus all the time. Is it retarded that he thanks his Lord and Savior for a football win? Of course it is. No one really thinks Jesus is sitting in Heaven saying, “Oooo, I was going to stop that woman from being raped with some divine intervention today, but Tebow is playing football at Noon! Sorry, miss!” Trust me, the guy has bigger shit to worry about. What sucks about Tebow is him and his trivial football skills, but maybe more-so the backwards media and fans that fluff their testicles to him every time he graces the field. Tommie Frazier didn’t get this type of attention, and he was a way better college quarterback than Tebow could EVER pray to be. In essence, he’s whoring himself out thanks to his overt Christianity, which makes it seem VERY un-christian. In fact, Tebow seems like that dude at the party that keeps wanting to talk about homework while you’re trying to finger bang a drunk girl on an armoire. Give a rest, douche.

This is like watching a JV squad: Michael Jenkins, Antoine Winfield, Tyrell Johnson, Husain Abdullah, and Sullen Cullen are all on IR because of injuries in, really, like the past week. That is messed up. Can we start making excuses for our shitty season now because of the injuries too? I’ve always wanted to be “that team.” “We totally would have done better if Tyrell … wasn’t … hurt the … last part of the year. Uh … And Cullen Loeffler! He’s … a critical part of this team …” Nevermind. We suck regardless, but not nearly as much as we’re going to suck now. As difficult as this is to swallow (like a load after a bag of popcorn, amirite laidies?!), we lost potentially our best two safeties for the rest of the year. We now have a rookie in Mistral “Soap Party” Raymond and a human battering ram in Jamarca Sanford playing back there. I fully expect two more players, each game, to have to go on IR simply because of Jamarca’s disregard for human life. If anything, it should be an entertaining blood bath.

GIF of the week: I’m considering changing this section up to my favorite GIF of the week. For you losers who aren’t as smart about internet mores like Chris Kluwe and I, GIFs have been popularized particularly on message boards as a way to respond to a comment or post without saying a word. Applause, dancing, looks of disgust, whatever it may be, all work to exchange information non-verbally. Doesn’t that just blow your mind?! Truthfully, nothing is more hilarious than a well placed GIF in an online conversation, frequently winning the debate and shutting up the douchecanoe who you’re internet-fighting with in an instant, publicly. Today, I’m just offering this GIF of Toom Haverford from the sitcom “Parks and Rec” because his reaction face is priceless. It offers both a touch of genuine surprise and sarcastic innocence, which is perfect to use when you want to make a bigger deal out of some news online than is needed. Like, “Hey, did you guys hear we just released Donovan McNabb because he is fat and sucks?” BOOM! Tom Haverford GIF. I strongly suggest creating a bookmark folder in your internet favorites that links to all of your best GIFs from this point forward. You can thank me later.

Scotch of the week: Today we highlight what has been voted the World Whisky of the Year in 2009. Whisky? What about scotch? F*ck you, that’s what’s about scotch. Anyway, this is the Ardbeg Uigeadail. Here’s some tasting notes from “All Things Whisky:

At once sweet, salty and smoky.  A deep sherry influence, while not overburdening, is held in check by dense layers of smoke.  There are notes of chocolate and warm leather carried, no doubt, by the sherried casks.  Tendrils of salted meat and roasting…well…just roasting something.

The smoke, brine and seasoned meat carry to the palate as well, here gaining a sharp little prickle from a thread of anise.  The chariot that delivers this complex amalgamation of all that is Islay (and so much more) is the perfect vehicle at a respectable 54.2% (When will all of the others learn?).

Shit, that sounds intense. They also describe the whisky as “standing on the shores of Islay while the skies tear open above.  Like being lambasted by gusts of rain and hurricane winds.  And also like feeling grateful simply for having stood so close to the vortex and lived to tell.” OR! Or, like watching every single Vikings game in 2011 and coming back to watch more in 2012. ZING! See what I did there?! Win. Anyway, this sounds pretty good. I would like to buy this if it didn’t cost $65 – $70 at most listings. Christmas present?!

BUTTS: Needs some sweet butts to look at today? Yes, nice looking butts that make your man member engorged. Hell, these might make your lady parts all flowery too, I don’t know. A nice turd cutter is a nice turd cutter, no two ways about it. Anyway, for said purposes, visit “Girls in Yoga Pants” where you can see fine specimens like the one above. Christ … you could crack a walnut between those flesh pillows.

Prediction: Unfortunately, I think this cock cutter Tebow and his team win this game. The Bronco’s defense has sounded pretty nasty this year, and if LB Von Miller is playing, it’ll likely be a tough day for Purple Jesus or White Rhino, as they’ll have to fight both the Broncos and the Vikings offensive line. That’s not a recipe for success. And while I would imagine that someday, a GOOD defensive backfield is going to make Tebow look like a retard throwing crab apples around a yard, it’s not going to happen with our defense. He’ll throw four complete passes, rush for 100 yards, and beat us by six points, while Ponder has a fine, moderate day, Percy gets pissed, Frazier looks confused on the sidelines, and we waltz to a 2-10 record. I can’t WAIT for that! Broncos, 23-17.

Enjoy the … game, everyone? Check back in on Sunday where we’ll do another game thread. Leave all your scathing commentary there. And make fun of Tebow. MAKE FUN OF HIM SO HARD. See you then.