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Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Preseason Game Four Preview: Stop This Nonsense Already

Enough Already! I don’t know about the rest of you dudes, but I am most certainly finished with this preseason nonsense, and am ready to tear into some real football. Watching 85 players wear purple – some of them with the same number too, which is beyond confusing – go through the motions like they think they’re still going to be here in October is just EXHAUSTING. For me. And probably for them too, but whatever. I’ve had to spend SO MUCH of my valuable off-work time pouring over rosters to make sure I knew who this random receiver was, or what school that lard ass on the offensive line came from, or what the hell a McLeod Bethel-Thompson is. Enough already! Stop this ridiculousness. One more game, and then let’s cut half of this roster away from the team like they are a festering sore, an open wound threatening to take over our appendages unless we hack them like wet meat from the body immediately. Then, let’s get the regular season and commence to ASS KICKING. Or losing. Frankly, I don’t care either way, I just want some real, regular season football already. Don’t you?

Are the Texans Any Good? Oh by the way, in this last regular season game, this is who we’re playing. The Houston Texans. Are they affected at all by Hurricane Isaac? I know that’s more Louisiana, but you’d be surprised how close that hell hole Houston is to the toilet bowl of the world in the Gulf Coast. I wouldn’t be surprised. Those cock suckers will probably cheat any way they can think of to get back to the playoffs. But again, that’s regular season chatter. As for tonight, we’re probably in for a heavy dose of things with weird ass names like TJ Yates, Hebron Fangupo, and Phillip Supernaw. TJ Yates is actually probably better than Shirtless Ponder at this point … I mean, he DID start a playoff game and win, you know. Either way, the Texans appear to have way cooler player names than our team does, so I guess based on that scientific fact alone, they’ll probably win. But whatever, I’m ready to get rid of these LOSERS who belong to the 5th string of starters that have always been screwing us during this preseason! It hasn’t been the starters’ faults at all! Totally! ….. No one’s buying that? Yeah, me neither.

Things This Game Will Be Like: For your convenience, I wanted to offer the fair reader a list of things watching this game is likely to be most similar to in everyday, real life experiences, so you know what you’re getting into this evening:

  • Sticking a freshly sharpened number two pencil, point first, down your urethra
  • Wiping your anus after a particularly explosive shit with a pine cone
  • Kissing your sister while you gently cup her supple breast
  • Kissing your mother while you gently cup her sagging breast
  • Watching any Minnesota Vikings team that was coached by Brad Childress
  • Being a single, virgin, 46 year old over weight woman that has 3 cats in her one bedroom apartment
  • Sarah Palin
  • Being a Packers fan

So best of luck to the brave souls watching this game. It certainly won’t be enjoyable. I’d say you could watch YOUR Golden Gophers open the college football season against UNLV, but the experience list wouldn’t be too different than what is listed above. Rather, I’d stick to watching the Michigan – Alabama game. Shit gon get BUCK during that thing. Crazy SEC fans.


Which Players to Eye Bang: Take a long, hearty look tonight, fellas. This is likely the last time you’ll see several of these players. Some of them may still have a chance to make the team, but it’ll take a hell of a showing to convince the coaches at this point. So who will be on their way out?

Chris Carr: Has there ever been a more disappointing free agent CB signing than Chris Carr? Outside of Fred Smoot of course. I don’t know why, but I was super pumped for him when we signed him. Likely because he was a known commodity and played for the Ravens. he unfortunately hasn’t done jack, and likely will see his roster spot taken by Marcus Sherels and/or Zachary Bowman. SHERELS, FOR GOD SAKES, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU CARR??

McLeod Bethel-Thompson: Ah, MBT. I remember the first time I laid gentle eyes upon your rocket arm, listening to the ear-raping sounds of Paul Allen aurally finger blasting your incompletions like he was bringing himself to a back breaking climax. It was enough then to make me discard anything you could ever become for us, and so I won’t be sorry to see you go. You can thank “PA” for that turn of opinion.

Lex Hilliard: Lex, you failed to live up to my Chef Raekwon expectations, and so I hope you’re out of here. Fumbling also didn’t really help your cause. I do hope I see you return in the future as a guest on a Ghostface album. That “Apollo Kids” one was hot shit.

Manny Arceneaux: You continue to do enough to make me not forget you, but nothing to make me remember you, outside of the fact that your name reminds me that you use to play in the Canadian league because it sounds like you’re from Montreal. But … That’s about it. Although your potential excited me, I think we’re going to find that the shit head Devin Aromashadu is going to steal your spot. Tough break, dudes.

Dolan Comic of the Week: Guess what, FAK U IS DOLAN. He’s back for a fourth week in a row, and all of you cry babies can take it like Gooby does. Grow a pair and start laughing at this comedic brilliance, or I’ll have to drop something even worse on you. You don’t want me to go all Chris Kluwe and just post Gangnam Style GIFs every week, do you? DO YOU?! No one deserves that, but EVERYONE deserves Dolan. EMBRACE HIM, TURN TO THE DARK SIDE!!

Scotch of the Week: Let’s, get, DRUNK! I hope you’ve enjoyed the return of the Scotch of the Week this year, because I’ve enjoyed writing about them. Granted, I don’t go out and BUY these scotches every single week, but I have tried them all at some point and they have been delicious. But really, anything with booze in it is pretty tasty. Mouthwash is a knee rocking alternative in a pinch, so you know how I feel about alcohol in general. This week, we’re going to look at the Glenfarclas 12 year, from the Speyside Islands. This beauty has a light hay hue, almost soft amber, with a subtle oaky and acidic nose. Like when you smell that hippy at the Co-op buying organic deodorant. Shit doesn’t work, bro. It feels clean and supple, and has a nice spicy, citrusy, gingersnap taste to it, like mouth kissing Nicole Kidman. She may be old, but I would wreck that aged specimen just like I would this scotch. This one finishes with sherry notes, and has a bright ending to it. It’s a well balanced, drinkable, 43% BOOZE scotch that’s perfect for the axe wound out there who can’t handle real brown liquors. B-!

Fap Material: Without defalting to a cheerleader picture, this was pretty much the most attractive photo I could find while actually using search terms that looked for male football players. Case in point, after several search variations on “Andre Johnson,” who I figured HAD to have a shirtless picture out there somewhere (to no avail), this picture eventually came up instead. It seemed to be a nice compromise. An Andre Johnson jersey, a fine and attractive looking lady, everyone wins. This also brought up a thought … Is there anyone – outside of maybe the players themselves – who has some fantasy of having sex with their partner in a football jersey? Is that at all a turn on, in any capacity? I say no, and call bullshit on people who think otherwise. And I’m not talking like a fake made, Halloween perfect, belly cut, lady style, booty shorts wearing sex-fit that women will wear. No, I mean like an average, male authentic jersey that’s baggy as a size medium on a normal human being. That just doesn’t sound very appealing to me. Call me crazy, but it ends up just reminding me of dudes. Believe it or not, I’m not really into that.

Final Preseason Predictions: I screwed up last week. I got all high on myself and thought that the Vikings would win in convincing fashion against the Chargers. BUT BOY WAS I WRONG. Instead, they got made a fool and had to rely on Rosencopter to attempt to pull them from the sinking ship. It almost worked, but they lost. As is, that puts my season predictions at 2-1. I admittedly don’t know much about the Texans starting roster, let alone the depth of their roster, which is likely what we’ll be seeing tonight. But I do know how bad ours sucks. With that knowledge alone, I feel pretty confident in predicting another Vikings loss. But this one should be closer. Teams don’t come out very often and play like complete cow pies like the Vikings did last week, even if it was mostly the starters that sucked. With Joe Webb getting the start though, he’ll likely have enough of a chance to get in a rhythm and run around and tease people into thinking that he’s actually a quarterback and … God I just want this garbage to be over with. But put me down for a Vikings loss, 24-16.

Enjoy the game tonight folks. We’ll throw a game thread up about an hour before this sausage fest starts just in case. In just over a week and we’ll have ACTUAL football instead of this crapola. But tonight, watch the Gophers later on if you want a good laugh, or watch Michigan and Alabama if you want to see some real football. Later on, members of the PJD Fantasy Football League will partake in our annual draft. It is likely to be full of embarrassing picks and weak ass trash talk, unless it’s coming from me. Should be a good time. We’ll have a short review of the game up tomorrow, too. See you then.