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Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Preseason Game Three Preview: Dressing for the Ball

Get Your Gown On! This is an exciting, sexy time, everyone! It’s like the Vikings are going to a junior high dance tonight, the big test dance before they hit prom in a couple of years (weeks)! All the gentlemen will be in their finest (Except Purple Jesus, but … SOON!), trying their hardest to make the team (Outside of Lex Hilliard … He’s not trying that hard), hoping to just get lucky tonight to brag to their friends that they made it! They finally did it (made the team)! It’s almost like it’s going to be real football, for almost four whole quarters. The starting offense, the starting defense, big ol’ piles of men grabbing, and bumping, and tackling, and hitting each other so hard – but not too hard! – just like they would in the regular season. It’s a weird, strange feeling, when football season turns from a boy into a man, but we’re almost at that stage. We’re prepubescent right now, with just the finest of pubic hairs starting to sprout in the nether regions.

Exciting times, everyone! Just don’t go blowing your wad too early. It’s still the preseason. BUT! We are one step closer to the real thing: FOOTBALL.

Remember When the Chargers Had Drew Brees? This is the big thing I don’t get about the Chargers. They sucked real bad, REAL BAD, for so long. And then they drafted Drew Brees, did a bit better, but still kind of sucked, but then did pretty awesome. Then they drafted Phillip Rivers and his Laser Face for the team. They let Brees walk in free agency eventually, he visited with the Vikings (remember that? Just kill me now) and the Dolphins, where neither team decided to sign him because there was concern about his recent shoulder injury. Instead, he went to New Orleans, became a once-in-a-generation quarterback, tosses for RIDICULOUS numbers every season, got rid of his face mole, and won a Super Bowl. I’d say things turned out OK for Brees. For the Chargers? They still got Norv Turner. YOU figure out how well things are going for them. They should be getting more blame for mishandling that roster move as poorly as it ended up, and I’m surprised that they haven’t. Well, that ends today, San Diego! I am here to give you a real tongue lashing, a real dress down, and say these scathing words to you … YOU CHOSE … POORLY. *drops mic* *looks around, finds no one impressed, cries into delicately folded handkerchief found in front dress shirt pocket* Whatever. We could have had Drew Brees but got Brad Johnson. Go fuck yourself, Childress.

What to Watch For: Nitty Gritty Dirt Band time here, folks. People are fighting for starting spots and/or their livelihood. If some of the players currently on the roster don’t impress tonight, it’s curtains for dat azz. No job, no income, their girlfriend will leave them, they’ll have to play in the Arena Leagues … NIGHTMARES. Here is what I’m watching tonight:

Christian Ponder: This dude can not catch a break from me. Each week he’s essentially done what I’ve asked him to do, which is basically not to suck, and he hasn’t. He’s actually looked decent, with flashes of brilliance and places to improve upon. Did you know with Ponder leading the offense we haven’t had to punt ONCE this preseason? It’s true! But this is extended action. Let’s see how you hold up after half time adjustments that won’t even be made because it’s the preseason. I’m still skeptical about your future success Ponder, but god dammit, PROVE ME WRONG!

Cornerback: Chris Cook is out tonight because HE’S the one who ended up with a concussion finally (instead of a significant other, you see), so it sounds like Chris Carr will get the start, and possibly the last time to prove he’s worth a damn to this team. He’s been struggling, so this will be a big night for him. Also, we’ll get a closer look at Josh Robinson as well, who impressed the shorts off my tiny ass last week. I’m excited to see more, like at a hermaphrodite peep show.

Safety Play: It looks like Harrison Smith will get the start again, which means that he’s either really good as a rookie or that our returning safeties were worse than a Woody Allen sex tape. I’ll let you guess which one is true. Tonight, Jamarca Sanford will get the start which, much like Carr, may be his last chance to make an impression on the team. I’d be OK with him not hurting any more of our guys if he gets cut, so yes, I have a vested interest in watching him tonight.

Linebackers: At this point in time, it’s All Aboard the Audie Cole Train. The kid has been stellar since game one this preseason, and I’m excited for him to start another hate crime against the NFL tonight. On the opposite side of “good” we have Erin Henderson and Jasper Brinkley, both players who were expected to start, and both players who haven’t impressed much yet this preseason. Brinkley is probably the player most in trouble of losing his spot, so we’ll see if he flashes me like those girls I fell in love with on Girls Gone Wild.

Paul Allen: I’ve been reading more and more about how fans aren’t super impressed with Paul Allen’s TV calls, and that just warms my cockles. I can’t stand listening to him and his blow job pantomiming of the Purple all day long, and having it during preseason broadcasts is even worse. Will he redeem himself this third outing? Will he stop knuckling McLeod Bethel-Thompson’s asshole all night long? I doubt it.

You’re on Warning, Vikings Fans: As mentioned this week, I went to the game against the Bills and came away thoroughly UNIMPRESSED with Vikings fans, largely because of their sophomoric participation in the confetti wave that happened. What a bunch of assholes. Try to show a little self respect this evening and behave yourselves? Cheer during good plays, make noise when the opposing teams’ offense is out on the field, heckle the refs during bad calls, share your soft serve with a strange toddler staring at you in the next seat. Basic social graces aren’t that hard, you fucking savages, so act like you don’t ALL use sheep as your weekend cock holders – just for like three hours even – and just enjoy the game. Is that too much to ask?

Dolan Comic of the Week: Last week there was only one comment in regard to the Dolan comics, but I couldn’t tell if that comment was FOR or AGAINST Dolan. So to play it safe, I brought him back. I thought this one was particularly funny. Let me explain. It’s a four panel comic that tricks you into thinking you’re reading a normal Daffy Duck comic strip, where crazy old Daffy got caught in a wooden fence and one of his plucky nephews is trying to push him through with the some type of cartoon butt plug … Until you get to panel four where, BAM!, IS DOLAN MOTHER FUCKER. And he loves the broom stick in his ass. Tables=turned! Classic Dolan. I love this shit. And sodomy, apparently.

Scotch of the Week: This week, we take a look at the Lagavulin: Distillers Edition. This is OBVIOUSLY different than the highly touted Lagavulin 16 year
, which is pretty much the best scotch you can buy for your dollar. The Distillers Edition is generally just for people of upper middle class origin, so I suspect you’ve never tried it. Hrumph. Regardless, it’s a nice one. The color is a copper-tinted gold, with hints of dark amber to it, and it smells like beachy sea salt, a bit earthy or smokey, even a little fishy, like if you were to go muff diving in a crab cave tonight. It feels big, full but balanced and very well rounded, and tastes a little bit like stewed fruit with light spice, a softly smoked texture, and hints of leather and metal. Like when you mouth is full of blood while the lady is waving the red flag. Just a hint, though! It finishes up very nicely, hanging on the tongue like a lingering kiss on the neck from a hooker with huge double D tits. You ladies, know what I’m talking about! Anyway, go buy it if you can find it.

The Ugliest Chargers Cheerleader I Could Find: Alright, I need to start off by apologizing. I usually try to post sexy pictures of women and/or men here on a weekly basis, and usually I do pretty well. Sometimes it’s a shirtless Chris Kluwe like last week, sometimes random hot women in team apparel with rock solid 19 year old asses. It’s pretty amazing, and if you run off to the work bathroom to spit up some lizard yogurt, or tickle the little man in the boat I’m not going to blame you. But I looked and looked and LOOKED this week to try and find an attractive San Diego Chargers cheerleader and it pains me to alert you that this is the best I could do, this grotesque specimen. Look at her and cringe, with his disheveled and unkempt hair, her veiny neck with what looks like three Adam’s Apples, the pouch she carries on her stomach, and the asymmetrical dance pose. What is this, the Cleveland Playhouse?! This is professional football, GIRL, and you better start acting like a professional. I’m so embarrassed that this is all I could find … Sorry guys.

Almost Serious Game Predictions: I’m not quite sure why people are still afraid of the Chargers. They have no running game, their quarterback is a total cock sucker, their coach might have a vagina in his neck folds and be worse than ours, and their defense is a ghost of it’s former self. What, they throw the ball around a lot? Big deal. So does every team. Way to be original, nipple tits. I think we come out again and beat a team at home. We’ll then go on the road next week and probably lose, which should end up being a fairly appropriate microcosm of our season (8-8, .500 ball with road struggles? I’ll believe it). But tonight we got this. Gerhart is going to tire them out, Ponder is going to out smart their Vagina Neck coach, and the Vikings will win behind the leg of Blair Walsh, something like 27-21. You should probably take my word for it too, because after predicting last week’s win-loss outcome correctly, I’m not 2-0 on the season. MIND READERS UNITE!!

Enjoy the game, folks. We’ll have a game thread up again tonight about an hour before game time if anyone wants to hop in. I won’t be GOING to the game this time, so I promise to be there. PROMISE. Let’s share more Charger cheerleader pictures, OK? Deal. See you then.