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Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Preseason Game Two Preview – Revenge of the Jump Pass

Crappy Football, Take Two!
Alright, so last week was an admittedly poor week of football. The team got spanked like a misbehaving child, the offensive line looked as effective as five Bryant McKinnies, and the defense got pounded like a bachelor party stripper. It was very ugly, but also like watching your wife get crotch-blasted … if you’re into cuckolding, of course. For the rest of us, it was just a mitigated disater of disappointment and one we’re not hoping to recreate this weekend. Will success occur for the Vikings? Who knows? Injuries have started mounting for the team with many starters (and really, the teams’ only “good” players, a term which is used rather relatively) out because of them, leaving us with a bag of buttholes at wide receiver and safeties who never passed 7th grade geometry. IT’S NOT THAT F*CKING HARD TO FIND THE SHORTEST POINT FROM A TO B. It’s usually straight through your wife BOOM ROASTED. Oh, also the team is heading on the road to Seattle, which is notoriously a difficult place to play but also they seem to still hate us for stealing Steve Hutchinson from them with a brilliant “poison pill” mechanism. Hey, you hipster f*cks, get over it. You got Nate Burleson back! Fair trade! And now you want to try to screw us by getting TarVar too? … Uh … I mean, “oh no, not that!” The Squid move was pretty low, but he would have chased a cuckolding contract if it paid that much … and now that we’re full circle, let’s get right to the game preview.

Return of the Jump Pass: We’ve talked a bit about it this week, but I swear to everything that is holy on this earth, if TarVar comes out and has his career, Arizona-esque game against us, even in a meaningless, preseason match-up, that will be it for me. I will personally hunt down every single defensive player and ruin their life in a way only a super villain would; by hunting down their family, putting them in danger, and them pitting the choice to save those they love against the idea of keeping their moral duty intact by protecting the public. YOU MUST CHOOSE! If we don’t somehow injure TarVar I will be absolutely shocked, and it’s not simply because it’s the Vikings playing him, but more so because it’s his second game in a row he’s starting, and he’s usually due for an injury by now. Also, I fully expect a stat line which include total passing yards under 50, 1 interception, 3 jump passes, 2 missed dump-offs, 15 rushing yards, and an incomprehensible amount of exasperated hand tossings and frustrated looks from him. “I can’t figure out this defense! I only practiced against them for five years! It’s not enough!” Good riddance, you shit stain.

Will The Traitor Play? By traitor I of course mean Sidney Rice, and I say traitor not so much in that he totally stabbed the Vikings in the back (he did!) but in that he’s a traitor to himself, his country, and his craft which he loves. He said this week, as reporters tried grilling him about the idea of facing his former team, whether it was difficult to leave the Vikings. His response was pretty atypical, and, really, what you’d expect from any professional athlete, but we all know what it really means:

“If you hear from them throughout the rest of the season telling you they are going to be in touch, are going to negotiate and it never happens, you’ve got to wonder — do they really want me there or not?” Rice told the St. Paul Pioneer Press on Wednesday. “I just didn’t feel it … It came down to Seattle showing me they wanted me to be a part of the program.”

Translation: The Vikings offered me some money and the Seahawks offered me retarded money, so of course I was signing with the Seahawks.” OK, fine, whatever guy. I hope you still lose this weekend. It won’t be as crippling and devastating to my psyche if you end up having a decent game against us in comparison if TarVar does, because you are actually a good football player and everything, but I still won’t really enjoy it.

What to Drunkenly Watch For: The great thing about Saturday night football games (and thusly, every college football game all season long) is that you can get all schmasties and not have to worry about any repercussions the next day. Oh, you have to go to church in the morning? No you don’t, you liar. You just had your sins forgiven at the altar of Purple Jesus, don’t worry about your false idols elsewhere. That’s some total BS. Instead, let’s drink ourselves stupid and keep an eye on some Vikings during this game:

Everson Griffen: I remember watching this guys tape coming out of high school and thinking that if he could ever put his act together he would be amazing. He never did at USC and struggled his rookie year in the NFL, but all indicators point to him not being a dumbass anymore, and maybe coming up Milhouse. This would be good news for the Vikings long-term, in replacing Ray Ray, and short term, as he may be the only force to injure TarVar tonight.

Demarcus Love: I thought he was a pretty highly ranked tackle coming out of college, but his stock fell after a poor..er … senior year. Regardless, he has the talent to be a force on the offensive line, and he’s ended up having a decent camp with the Vikings, as he’s already moved up to the two-deep depth chart. I’d like to keep an eye on him and see if he’s maybe a solution somewhere on our abortion of an offensive line.

Lorenzo Booker: You pretty much already know what Lorenzo is going to bring to the field, but I am starting to just really enjoy watching this guy play. He’s shifty, quick and is the ideal third down back to Purple Jesus.

Mistral Raymond: After missing last weekend’s game because he pulled a hammy (slip in a foam party?!) Raymond came back and practices pretty much all week, which is impressive. He also ended up getting some starter reps as Abdullah was out at the White House all week terrorizing it up with people. It sounds like Raymond is being given every opportunity to win this position, and if he does well and locks it down, it’d be awesome because god dammit does our safety spot such balls.

Chris Cook/Asher Allen: Every week, for the rest of the Vikings lives, these two dick cheeses will be under a microscope. I’m not asking for much from them, I just want them to do their job. I want to see a wrap up tackle, ONE pass deflection, or maybe even an interception. If you can’t do that, put me out there and I’ll casually jog behind someone catching a touchdown on me for half the pay.

Jaymar Johnson: Big Leslie has said this week we’ll get to see a lot of the younger receivers get playing time, even though they’re all likely to get cut in a week anyway. Out of all of them, I still am hoping to catch Jaymar do some sexy things. His hands have been stellar in camp, and last week he showed great speed again. I’d also like to see Enrique Iglesias do some good work (I have no idea why, I actually think he sucks) and check out what Manny Arcenaux can do. There are big expectations for him, but I have yet to really pay attention to him. Oops.

Remi Ayodele: I didn’t really check him out last week either, but every other stupid Vikings blog out there was raving about how good he looked, and about how he could be a nice force on the defensive line for us. If that’s true, it’s good news in the absence of Big Pay, and could help lessen the blow of a possible Kevin Williams suspension. Also, he’s like French or whatever, and I can’t think of another French guy that’s played on our team. Is “Serwanga” French?

Meme of the Week: First, click on the picture to embiggen it. Second, this kind of blew my mind. I’ve been enjoying memes in this type of comic form recently, and the face at the end (I forget the official name of it), when properly used
, is one of the best. Also, any meme that includes Star Wars references is a great meme in my book. I guess the only thing i have to tie this to the actual game coming up is that … we’re … going to eat Seahawks for dinner? I don’t know, just enjoy the comic.


This Week’s Hall & Oates Song: I’ve been on a Hall & Oates kick for about six months now, where literally the only thing I will listen to is the Hall & Oates Pandora station. I’ve heard all of their greatest hits, many of their early Philadelphia sessions work and even different versions of live songs which I’ve developed a preference for over other works. It’s in the nuances! I also heard that, after KFAN switched from the hipster AM to the doofus FM station that Paul Allen went on a tear of Hall & Oates music. PA is a total rube and I can’t stand listening to him talk about anything (hearing him discuss the Wolves is even worse, somehow), but I feel like we could really sit down and bond over the finer points of H&O. To that degree, I feel PJD readers need to as well. Don’t like Hall & Oates? Then you’re a horrible f*cking person. I’m not asking you to tug on a dudes balls during fellatio, I’m just asking you to let me indulge in some great music. Jesus, get over yourself. Anyway, this week (and it’ll probably be the only week I do this) you get “Crazy Eyes.” Enjoy.

Increasing Site Views with Boobs and Shirtless Men: There apparently is a model out there called Ancilla Tillia who looks a smattering like Scarlett Johansson (not very talented, large breasts make up for it) who is making some rounds. There is a rather titillating series of her in a car (HERE … Probably wouldn’t look at work) and other works of her around elsewhere. The men, and probably some of the women, should find this entertaining.

For the ladies, after a VERY thorough investigation, I sadly report I could not find any shirtless Seattle Seahawk players. I think the closest that was out there was a shirtless former Seahawk, balding Matt Hasslebeck, or Pete Carrol, with shirt, looking old. I wasn’t going to do that to you. Instead, there’s a picture of backup Charlie Whitehurst who we’ll see a lot of and his sexy beard and smile. I would TOTALLY go gay for a guy with a well trimmed beard! … Also, if the ladies have any shirtless suggestions going forward, you should email them to me otherwise the quality of men here is going to continue to be poor. I can guarantee it!


Inappropriate Predictions: First, I needed to show that Marshawn Lynch run again because it is seriously one of the most enjoyable football plays I’ve ever seen. This really only comes in a close second to that Purple Jesus run in Cleveland two years ago. Shit was so boss, I can’t get over it. Also, I know people always like to think of Pete Carroll as some cool bro, some good dude that is a total players coach, down to earth, super hip and a fun guy … but what a smarmy asshole to run USC into the ground with illegal recruiting, then dip for the NFL when he always said he wouldn’t right before he knew they were going to get the snot sanctioned out of them. I mean, if I were in his shoes I’d likely have done that as well, but it’s still a total bitch move. At least I’d have the decency to call myself a horrible cunt for doing it. I don’t know, maybe he already has and is over it. He’s making millions, so I’m sure he sleeps well at night.

More specifically about the game, I totally guessed wrong last week in thinking that the Vikings may actually win a football game. And while I’d like to counteract that and say they’re totally going to lose this week (thus making them win in real life!) I can’t do that to myself. I have to think the team will beat TarVar, and if they don’t there will be some serious hell to pay. So I’ll throw out something like, 21-17, Vikings. This is a totally stupid prediction however for two reasons. 1) No way the Vikings score 21 points. Are you kidding me? 2) No way the Vikings keep another team from scoring less than or equal to 17 points. Are you kidding me?

Either way, I have to stand by my guns. Enjoy the game, keep the Tweets going as we’ll try to get back in the swing of doing “Tweets of the Game” for next week, and if you haven’t submitted your application to join PJD’s Fantasy Football league, today is your last chance, so get on it. Results will be posted … I don’t know. Maybe Tuesday. Next weekend is the draft. Big things coming up! But likely not a Vikings win.