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Purple Jesus Diaries Nonsensical 2010 Minnesota Vikings Training Camp Suck Off!

Sweet mother of Mary we are BACK! Football stuff! Passes! Tackles! Unmet expectations! By Odin’s Beard it has been so long. Today is Friday and later this afternoon your Minnesota Vikings will lumber onto a practice field in Mankato, Minnesota, and halfheartedly run through a couple of different movements that kind of look like, maybe appear to be, MIGHT just pantomime real football stuff! But that’s not even the exciting part! /record scratch. No! The best part is seeing who is going to step up and be joining the established starters on the roster like Antoine Winfield, Adrian Peterson, and Sidney Rice. Which rookie will impress? Which veteran will be cut? Which overlooked player will surprise? THERE ARE SO MANY QUESTIONS! So let’s jump right into PJD’s 2010 Training Camp preview! VIIIKKKKIIIINNNGGGGSSSS ASSEEEMMMBBBLLLLEEEE!!! Position Battles: The Vikings are DEEP this year. As deep as your mom, as the above picture would seem to indicate. lol. Access Vikings  has been harping on this fact throughout the week, and even though it’s been that blow hard Reusse saying such things, it is appropriate to listen to him in this instance. All 22 starters from 2009 are back with the Vikings (assuming the return of Silver Fox, of course), but that doesn’t mean there aren’t some questions on the back end of things. Oh! That’s like your mom too! Hahaha! But here is where the most intriguing position battles are at: – #3 Quarterback – The assumption here is that Favre is coming back, despite me keeping my fingers crossed that he’ll die in a cross bow accident. Also, through some crazy destiny type happenings, TarVar is pretty clearly the number two guy behind him. The Vikings will not carry four quarterbacks on the roster, because if they do I will be fire bombing Winter Park. That means that there is a wicked fight to the death type of battle brewing between relatively unknown rookie wide receiver quarterback Joe Webb (who is not David Webb, aka, Jason Bourne) and overpaid veteran and helicopter aficionado Sage Rosencopter. WHO WILL WIN??!? Well which one is cheaper? This won’t be a surprise. After all, Zygi IS a Jew … /punches ticket to Hell. – #3 Running Back – Going into camp I am PRETTY convinced that Adrian Peterson will remain the starter. Just a feeling I have. Gerhart, aka White Lightning, is most likely going to be the number two guy, because you just HAVE to get a white running back on the field. So who becomes the third guy? Incumbent Albert Young? Scat back Darius Reynaud? Steady veteran hand of God Ryan Moats? BUT WHAT ABOUT IAN JOHNSON?? Haha, just kidding. He won’t make it. But it will be interesting to see which route the Vikings go with their third back being that the two other spots are a fumbler and a white guy. THINK ABOUT IT. – Back up cornerbacks – What has for years been an issue of lack of talent in the defensive back field, the 2010 Vikings will be facing an unusual circumstance, and no, it’s not the expectations of getting to the Super Bowl. It will be their overall talent level at cornerback, which has seen significant improvement in recent years through drafting and free agents. Cedric and Antoine are still locks, and you figure Benny Sapp will be there too. Chances are the Vikings only have spots for three more CBs, but who will they be? Rookies Asher Allen, Chris Cook, and Lito Sheppard seem to be the most likely options. That would leave a former Gopher (Marcus Sherels) and some guy named DeAndre Wright as the people on the outs. …. Uh, I guess I am ok with that. Really, really, ok with that. – Safety – While it pains my black heart to say that Madeiu Williams and Tyrell Johnson will probably be the starters for the season, there SHOULD be significant competition for the safety position simply because, at least on PJD, the players at safety have been the players most likely to be called by feminine nicknames during this offseason. That alone is a requirement for positional upgrade. Would the Human AIDS Arrow help out? What about … Eric … Frampton? Well, there’s just not a lot of depth here, which means that it’ll be a battle between mediocre loafers to see who can create the most yawn inducing plays. HURRAY! – Kickers – For some reason, Rhys Lloyd was signed by the Vikings this offseason. It was done clearly as an over reaction to teams who started booting the ball out of the back of the endzone on kickoffs and Childress thought, “Hey, that’s not too bad of an idea.” That was also when he realized Ryan Longwell’s leg does not carry the namesake. I’m pretty sure my head will explode in science fiction fashion if the Vikings keep three kicking personnel on staff, meaning that the competition at this position will be HEATED. KICKER YAY!! Predicted Mushroom Stamp of Approval Winner: During every training camp fans find someone new to latch on to who they are just so CERTAIN will become the next NFL star. They magnify his training camp stats, overstate his importance during preseason games, and effectively crown his ass as their hidden gem pulled from their pocket while of course masturbating in their pocket. In years past, Jaymar Johnson has worn this crown, as has TarVar at one time even. ROOKIES ARE AWESOME!!! So who do I think will get crowned with this year’s Mushroom Stamp of Training Camp Approval? I’ll put my money on Asher Allen. Why? Because he hasn’t seen enough real NFL playing time for fans to rationalize why they should hate him YET, and he’s still young enough to make fans think that the sky is going to be the limit for him. Also, Leslie Frazier apparently thinks he’s been having the best offseason out of anyone on the team. It’s at least got to be better than EJ Henderson’s. I don’t imagine gluing your leg back together is very fun. But my guess is that after training camp and some real solid game time against other third string scrubs that Asher Allen will become everyone’s next Training Camp SUPA STAH!! Predicted Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval Winner: On the flip side of this, there will undoubtedly be some a-hole that is supposed to step up that CLEARLY doesn’t. His lack of hustle, or advancement, or him coming into camp overweight, or with the wrong kind of hair, or maybe he’ll be wearing an Ed Hardy shirt on his tricycle around campus, will all be reasons why some jerk will end up making me Hulk angry, even though he probably outweighs me by a solid 180 pounds and if I was on a field next to him his moves would be akin to The Flash when in proximity. Doesn’t matter. I pay good money to my cable company to watch these guys on TV and I’ll be damned if someone slacks off at training camp! AT THE TRAINING CAMP I FOLLOW FROM MY OFFICE CHAIR!! So who will be the poor prick that disappoints spectacularly? I will bet on Ray Ray. Why? Because he’s a huge, pulsating, veiny, selfish penis that is still crying with his pants pull of poop over a new contract. He’ll be the next Hovan who has all the potential and then doesn’t ever really do anything besides piss me off. Also, Jasper Brinkley would be a good bet. Ugliest at Camp Competition: If I remember correctly, the Vikings have always run an event where the choose who the ugliest player of Training Camp is. Of course, if Favre was there he would win because he’s so ugly on the inside as well. In the past, if I remember right, David Dixon has won, as has Randy Moss. Well, this year I am helping the team out and preemptively offering my selection for King Ugly this year. My first place vote goes to EJ Henderson, who MUST be the recipient of the award since his rookie year. I mean really. Look at that guy. Not only is he unattractive, but he is terrifyingly unattractive. I’m beginning to think that he enjoyed breaking his femur, in fact. With a mug like that, the only thing you enjoy is things even more ugly, like your pulsating muscles being twisted around your bone. Jesus … Cedric Griffin is a close second, as is Jim Kleinsausage. And Jeff Dugan is pretty ugly too. If you have any suggestions yourself, put them in the comments! What Stupid Thing will Childress Do? Last year, Childress really let his “hair” down, but on his giggle pants, and TOTALLY SURPRISED the rest of the team by doing something just CRAZY!! Yes, he HILARIOUSLY put on a visor that made him look like golfer Ian Poulter, and tried coaching like that for a day! MY GOODNESS, BRAD. YOU ARE TOO FUNNY. WHAT WILL YOU DO NEXT? My answer is I don’t fucking care. We’re trying to win a god damn Super Bowl here, you cunt. This shit is stupid, and stop acting like an idiot. The STUPIDEST thing he’ll probably do is keep two quarterbacks and four running backs on this team, along with three kickers. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Not acceptable. Instead, at the end of training camp, here is what I am expecting to see …

Irrelevant old picture.
Irresponsible 53 Man Roster Prediction: QB: Silver Fox, TarVar, Joe Webb RB: Purple Jesus, White Lightning, Albert Young FB: Tahi, Dugan, The Guido Imperio TE: Shanko, Sausage WR: , Squid, Percy, Greg Lewis, Jaymar OT: McKinnie, Loadholt, Cook OG: Hutch, Herrera, Deandre C: Hobbit, Cooper DE: Mullet, Ray Ray, Magical Griffen, Robison DT: Kevin, Fat Pat, Jimmy Kennedy, Fred Evans, Letroy Guion LB: Greenway, Leber, EJ, Erin, Jasper, Farwell, Onatolu, Tripplet for some reason CB: Antoine, Cedric (PUP?), Lito, Asher Allen, Cook S: Madieu, Tyrell, Sanford, Husain Abdullah, Frampton K: Guitar Hero, Longwell BOOM. I do math good. Maybe. You got different ideas? COMMENTS, DAMMIT! And now let’s get this training camp shit started, as glorious, glorious organized violence has finally returned!