A little over a week ago, our very own Purple Jesus took to the Twitterverse to share with his multitude of followers (disciples?) the very real, very dangerous truth of huge f*cking birds in Africa. Basically eagles, but not like Philadelphia Eagles. No, these aren’t a flock of overrated and over paid players derping around to a 1-3 record on the season. These are LEGIT huge effing eagles, with wings and god damn talons, that drop down out of the sky and tackle shit like deer TO THEIR DEATH. Purple Jesus himself even linked to the embedded video you see above in one of his tweets to share this horror of what’s going on in Africa right now with these eagles.
BUT EAGLES ATTACKING DEERS ISN’T THE WORST OF IT.
No, these African eagles also apparently SWOOP down and GRAB children out of African villages and then EAT them or just straight KILL them like a f*cking boss.
And while I think that picture is super funny, enough for me to have saved to my hard drive forever and ever, this shit just got real. CHILDREN??!! Why are there no videos of that? Could you imagine? Purple Jesus can:
I’m sorry, but that is god damn terrifying. Six years old? Can you imagine always having to watch out for yourself, at the age of SIX, because you’d never know when an eagle was going to pluck your face from the sky and give you an impromptu magic carpet ride? I mean, I’m sure the chances of this happening are probably no better than the 2011 Vikings scoring a touchdown, but I don’t even care. Somehow Michael Jenkins has two scores on the season, so think how that translates. POOF! Two little African babies, straight from their mothers’ womb, gone, flying above the clouds.
Well, I won’t stand for it, so I enlisted the help of our favorite motivational speaker, VIKTOR the VIKING to set these stupid eagles straight.
Here he is:
- “LISTEN UP you feather brained AERIAL AIDS RATS, don’t you EVER think you can come near MY nest and pluck my stashes of coke from my hiding spots or I will FIST F*CK your HOLLOW BONES INTO A CUMULUS CLOUD. Then, while you’re squawking like a drunken IOWAN HOUSE WIFE while I’m buried up to my ELBOW in eagle WOMB, I’LL PULL YOU INSIDE OUT AND ROAST YOUR MEAT OVER MY UNZIPPED PANTS, because that’s where the heat comes out of, and THEN I’ll do my stash of blow off of your prized BEAK BEFORE I sell that shit to buy MORE BLOW and …”
Whoa, hey, VIKTOR, the eagles steal children, not bags of cocaine. What are you talking about?
- “CHILDREN?! Never mind, keep at it eagles. Call if you need help.”
As a bonus, here is a video of a f*cking eagle dropping a f*cking moutain goat off of a cliff like a bad ass. Think of it as what the Cardinals will do to the Vikings on Sunday. ……. .. ……. Enjoy!