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Roster Moves: Vikings Sign Awesome Athlete Asher Allen at an Attractive Amount


This draft train keeps rolling.

ITEM! The Minnesota Vikings 2009 third round draft pick, awesome and attractive alliteration activist CB Asher Allen, signed his rookie contract today. This is exciting news for losers like myself because it means that the signing train for the 2009 rookies is moving full steam ahead (homoerotic “choo choo” noise anyone?)! Details of his contract say that it’s a four year deal and although the dollar amount has yet to be released, one can assume that it’s set at an … attractive amount? Allen joins fellow rookies Jasper Brinkley and Jamarca Sanford to sign contracts with the Vikings before training camp in STD City, aka, Mankato, MN. Hm?

FACT! Allen comes from the South Eastern Conference of college football, specifically out of Georgia. The SEC allegedly has the toughest conference in all of college football, but I don’t see them playing Rutgers every year! This might mean that Allen is pretty good at what he does. Also, as I mentioned when we first met him, he’s never left the state for anything significant, so it’ll be interested to see his transition to all of these whiteys in Minnesota. Personally, I’d be freaked the fuck out. Minnesotans are weird as shit. But the simple fact that he made it up to Minnesota during the rookie training camp and another notable, pot smoking rookie didn’t, moves him up a notch in my book. Allen was pretty highly regarded coming out of college and surprisingly dropped in the draft due to injuries. He did play half of his senior season at Georgia, as a cornerback, with a broken hand, which is awesome. The only thing that could top that, I think, would be if Shiancoe played with a broken dick for half of 2009. But I digress. He also played with Matthew Stafford at Georgia, who will be delightfully throwing interceptions for the Lions for several years coming up. I’d expect that Allen will start when playing the Lions then, since he already knows all of Stafford’s favorite tells, like breathing hard after a five yard jog or smearing peanut butter on his ass. You are going down, Stafford.


SO? I think it’s safe to say that most fans are pretty excited for this little spark plug. In our masturbatory fantasies, we see him stepping right in and being a stud like Antoine Winfield. In fact, their size and style of play is so eerily similar that it’s almost like they cloned Winfield when he first singed with the Vikings and accelerated the clone’s growth to end up with Allen. Highly unlikely, but I’ve also had sex once before, so anything is possible! It’ll be interesting to see what happens with Allen though, because due to some signings in the backfield for the Vikings, the cornerback spot is more crowded than Scarlett Johansson’s vagina, with Winfield and Griffin as starters, and Allen, Paymah, Gordon, McCauley and Sapp as main contenders. This may be a blessing in disguise for Allen, who won’t be placed into a high expectations role right away due to any lack of warm bodies on the roster. This will allow him to learn the defense at his own pace and quietly supplant Winfield as the starter sometime, like how everyone quietly puts old people in retirement homes somewhere. It’ll be sad, but necessary.

CONCLUSION! This is a good draft pick and signing by the Vikings and about God damn time. Now, if they don’t have Loadholt and Harvin signed and in camp by the first day I am going to go beast mode on someone. Probably some innocent animal. No, just kidding. But having Allen ready to roll will only help him fight through the crap at cornerback during mini camp. I’d say he has a fighting chance to be what McCauley was supposed to be all along, the starter waiting in the wings for Antoine Winfield to stop being so fucking awesome. But with talks of Winfield’s contract extension, he’ll have to wait a little longer. Good move though, and go buy your Asher Allen jersey’s now. It’ll go nicely with your Erasmus James and Ciatrick Fason jersey hidden in your closet. And you’ll never wear it once you pick up a Favre jersey anyway, but give the kid a shot, huh?