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Roster Moves: Winfield Signs? You’re Making me Blush you Magnificent Bastard


Holy pancake on a rabbit, thank God this got done.

ITEM! Veteran Minnesota Vikings cornerback, and slightly attractive male – from what I hear – Antoine Winfield finally signed a contract extension in the form of five years and $36 Million total with about $16 Million in guaranteed money. Essentially, they ripped up his 2009 deal and simply signed him to a four year extension. These negotiations have been an ongoing battle of words and hurt feelings this offseason but it finally got done and Vikings fans can rejoice with convulsing orgasms. Since signing his original free agent contract with the Vikings in 2004, Winfield has been the only player on the team that hasn’t made me want to drive forks into my eyes. He’s actually played fantastic during his time here, earning every dollar of that original contract and has since become the face of this Vikings defense. Also, his absence during the infamous and now-redundant Love Boat scandal should be commended. Not to say he doesn’t rock the double sided dong at home, I just think it’s refreshing to see a football player not take that thing out in public …


FACT! Winfield received his first Pro Bowl birth last year (which really means absolutely fucking nothing) because of two monster plays in 2008. First, when he dropped wood on that fetal alcohol syndrome looking quarterback Jake Delhomme and then picked up his fumble and ran it in for a touchdown and then also when the little man picked up a blocked field goal in New Orleans and then ran it back for a touchdown as well, smiling his white teef the entire way. Both plays were pretty much the cat’s pajamas, and it’s been plays like this that have occurred so late in Winfield’s career that would indicate he’s not done performing at a high level. Of course, I mean both on the field and off the field ifyouknowwhatI’msayin’! Also, he’s not some bitch that hates the cold weather or Minnesota like Warren Sapp, as he’s played in Ohio for college football, Buffalo and then Minnesota. Once he retires, I will adopt him as a Minnesotan tried and true and will vote him into office any chance I get, even if it’s a write in during every forth coming presidential election. I mean, he can’t be any worse than any other party nominee and would probably garner more state wide support.


SO? Some fans are bitching and moaning about signing a 32 year old player to a five year contract with millions guaranteed. Hey, you cock bags, shut the fuck up. If Winfield was not on this team the defense would be a total disaster. The signing of him assures several things. First, I won’t be tempted to punch you in the temple when you would have claimed that letting him walk next off season was the right move. Second, his presence provides leadership and consistency for a team that has been lacking these things for decades. How do you think the Patriots become the leagues most hated squad of pretty boy Boston pricks? First, their team is simply in Massachusetts. Second, because they continually work with veterans and value team leadership when it’s there. Winfield is like our Rodney Harrison, but he’s not a total dick face and actually plays good football. And from rumors ‘round the water cooler, it sounds like the Vikings protected themselves financially in the event that Winfield’s play declines and he loses his starting job by moving to the nickle corner (where he prefers to play, anyway). Then the team still has his leadership, hard tackling closer to the line, and his dashing smile while bringing up younger guys behind him … but not like how you’re thinking right now.

Antoine's best Purple Jesus impression

CONCLUSION! This move is so good that it induces a massive awkward boner in me. Of course, it doesn’t help that I’ve always had a man crush on Winfield as well, since he’s been the only player in recent memory that has actually played the worth of his free agent contract. Fred Smoot sure as shit didn’t do that. I think I actually got a Smoot jersey too, when I should have obviously gotten a Winfield one. But by locking Winfield up long term, it almost guaranteeing that he’ll retire as a Viking. In that case, it also pretty much already puts him in the record books as one of the greatest Vikings of all time. After Purple Jesus of course, but being second best to Jesus still isn’t half bad. So congrats to Winfield on the contract, and I just hope Childress doesn’t fuck up the majority of his career by not getting him a Super Bowl. Of course, nobody will hold their breath for that …