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TarVar Had a Difficult Fourth of July Weekend

Apparently after OTAs, mini-camps, and before training camps, Arizona Cardinals receiver and former Vikings ball boy, Larry Fitzgerald, Jr., hosts a training camp of his own in Minnesota. He did this last year as well, which our very own Squid Rice attended for the first time and has occasionally attributed the camp to his success on the field in 2009, and this year he’s brought in some more big names. On the line up card in 2010 is everyone’s favorite neck stabber Michael Irvin, who came to talk to some younger guys about the NFL, working hard, and I’m presuming the best places to find coke in a hooker’s belly button while in the Dallas-Fort Worth area. I might be mistaken on that last part.

What has really stood out so far this year though at Fitzy’s Ass Busting Camp is the appearance of everyone’s favorite jump passer, Tarvaris Jackson. The odd part isn’t that TarVar is hanging out with a bunch of receivers doing this training. The training is really just strength and endurance testing that pushes guys beyond their normal limits. Anyone NFL player can benefit from that. What really stood out was just how out of shape TarVar was when he first got to this camp, as he reported today. And why? Well, if you read between the lines as we have done after the jump it becomes clear. HE DONE DO DRANK!

Let’s look at some of the quotes he provided the Star Tribune. I am assuming someone took the liberty of correcting some of the quotes, as you can actually understand them:

Jackson is one of a dozen or so NFL players taking part in a camp organized by Cardinals All-Pro receiver and Holy Angels alum Larry Fitzgerald in the Twin Cities. The players do hard conditioning work and Jackson struggled through the drills.

“No matter what you do, it feels different,” he said afterward. “Something different always kind of shocks your body. It was a long Fourth of July weekend. I’m just trying to recover today, but I’m alright.”

Awesome, I know! But try and read those quotes and tell me he didn’t just get drunk as shit, right? No surprise really, I’m sure we all did more or less, bu I mean, come on. It was a long Fourth of July weekend for me too, but I wasn’t recovering at my desk job on Tuesday morning. The Fourth was on Sunday. You had all of Monday to kick back and sip some Purple Drank with Jamarcus Russell and recuperate. Surely you did that, yes? Behold:

“I threw up a little water, but I didn’t really eat too much before I came out here,” he said. “I’m going to go drink all the water, get a little something to eat and relax.”

Hahahaha, I love it. I throw up water too when I drink too many of my wife’s gin & tonics, except it’s not water, it’s called bile, and it’s called being hung over as fuck because you’re a huge gaping anus. Trust me, I know! And while it may sound like a good idea to “drink all the water”, wherever all that water may be, I would suggest getting some food in you first. Or, if you’re still hangover as a high school girl after his first 99 Berries, you could follow some of these hangover tips as well. But I’m glad you’re here to get some work in TarVar, as I’m sure you were probably working just as hard back home, yes? Well ….:

“If I wouldn’t have ran at home in the humidity, I probably would have died today,” he said. “That probably got me a little ready for this conditioning stuff. It was hard. It was a little hard today.”

Totally, bro. If I wouldn’t have fluffed my nuts a little bit to that image of Stacey Dash when she was like 40, I probably wouldn’t have been able to last all three minutes with the wifey last night. I totally relate. It’s tough, bro, a little tough sometimes.

And this, TarVar, is why I will always be rooting for you. In fact, if I ever see you out in Minneapolis, drinks are on me, just so long as you take a cab home, or call up Carl Eller.