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Tarvaris Jackson? What is Wrong With You People

Oh hey dudes, it’s Purple Jesus Diaries here just hoping to make your Wednesday a bit brighter! Remember everyone’s favorite jumping quarterback? No, not Joe Webb (who admittedly can jump pretty damn high, but I’d argue isn’t REALLY a quarterback), but the guy who actually played here for a while, was never “given a real chance,” and who absolutely loved to leap gallantly into the air during every throw. Yeah, I’m talking about that guy we all tried to forget about, Tarvaris Jackson. Welp, there’s rumors Minnesota is interested in trading for him:

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! If Rick Spielman actually pulls this off, it’ll be like he was trying to get the team to Ludicrous speed but then overshoots us until we’ve gone to PLAID!

I have no idea what to make of this. At all. It doesn’t make any sense on any level. Why are we even having this conversation? Are these throat words actually farting out of my mouth hole today? This is like the MC Escher of trade talks.

First, why are we even interested in a quarterback? A backup one, no less? Is it because there are questions about Christian Ponder’s durability? He HAS an injury history, but I would think off hand we have fine and capable backups that could cover for him for a game or two if needed. And aren’t we always bitching about wanting to get Joe Webb more reps? What are we going to do, move him to receiver and have him relearn that position? That’s a lofty, SOUND plan, alright. And if this is the case, what’s the point of backing up one injury prone quarterback with another injury prone quarterback? Honest to God, I’ve never seen someone grimace so hard after tripping over their own two feet as Tarvaris Jackson did when he was on this team. It was embarrassing, for BOTH of us, TarVar.

Second, it would be a total travesty if we actually gave up anything worthwhile (young player with potential, draft picks, State Fair food) to get TarVar and his contract back on this team. We have bigger contractual needs, ladies, like signing Percy Harvin to a king’s ransom, and making sure Kluwe gets an extension paid in video games in the near future. We really want to have Jackson’s contract on our books? Do you know he’s making $4 Million dollars? $4 Million! That’s $4 Million too much! Are we drunk on money?! What are we even doing PRETENDING to be in the conversation? I don’t even care that Jackson said he’d restructure his contract if he was traded to a new team. That LITERALLY (and I mean that in the sarcastic LITERAL sense) has zero influence on this decision. Again, paying TarVar, let’s say, $1.5 Million instead of $4 Million IS STILL TOO MANY MONIES MY GOD WHY IS THIS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!

I just … I don’t even know. The only thing I can think of is that it has to be some kind of cock blocking move to prevent the Packers from getting a “veteran” quarterback on their depleted roster. I using “veteran” generously, because “veteran” would also encompass the definition of “veteran interception thrower and team back breaker,” which more aptly ties up the TarVar description. But hey, if it pisses off the Packers somehow and gives us all a few laughs and someone to point fingers at one the team, I might be down for it. I honestly feel like that’s something I’ve been missing on this year’s squad. They’re all so damn likable.

Whatever. Here’s a shirtless picture of Tarvaris Jackson anyway since I’m such a saint.