Notorious for feral wolverines, the setting for the thrilling novel Hatchet, and being cold as a scorned woman, Canada apparently also has people who live there, possibly year round, although research on that end is inconclusive. What we do know is that these sightless, hairless cave people have come together and established rudimentary rules during recreational play to awkwardly enough mimic our beloved and refined American past time called NFL Football enough where several of these players are now heading south to Minnesota.
Over the previous weekend, reports surfaced that possibly French-Canadian-Bible Named Canadian recreational sport playing wide receiver Emmanuel Arceneaux had signed a futures contract with the Minnesota Vikings. The futures contract is unique, because it means Arceneaux gets to utilize the flux capacitator to travel through time to the future, where he’ll sign a contract, then back to the present where he’s like “I totally know I’m signing a contract in the future, fucking stop me.” It’s pretty advanced stuff.
This also means though that the Vikings are showing through their actions that they are willing to look in unique places for unique talent that will possibly help their football team. We say possibly because, let’s face it, if these guys were any good they’d still be in the NFL, WOULDN’T THEY ONTERRIO SMITH. Yet all may not be lost. Arceneaux put up good numbers while playing against opponents who were potentially running the wrong way or watching Madieu Williams film tape to learn how to take angles on tackles, so until we see him against NFL competition we may never know his true value. Likewise, another potential candidate from this league of frozen cavemen is defensive end Phillip Hunt who led the Canadian Lollygaggers League in sacks with 16 last season, as well as Mounties mounted, i.e., sexed like in penis in vagina style.
Could either of these individuals help the Vikings regain their top spot in the NFC North? The benefits of these players include them knowing a foreign language (I believe it’s called Canadesian) to call out the plays in the huddle to confuse the opposing team, they are already aclimated to the cold weather in case the Vikings have to play some of 2011 in TCF Bank Stadium again, and their minds are like tiny polar bear sponges willing to soak up any information in exchange for a frozen iceberg to survive on. The negatives would clearly include their suspect level of talent, their stench of raw salmon, and them being fucking Canadian.
The question remains; are these Northern dimwits worth it for the Vikings? YOU DECIDE. And you too, Canadian reader(s).