It was big news in Minneapolis yesterday as the heavily cherished skyline was restored to its pure, 1980’s glory as the breast that is the new Metrodome roof blossomed into puberty. Finally, we can all look upon the city with wonder and say, “Oh yeah, that ugly monstrosity.”
Many people lauded the ability for the worker crews to finish this project ahead of schedule. Not only did they fix several tears in the old teflon material, they totally rebuilt the damn thing into a modern, sexy Dome. The new material is actually only one sheet of teflon thick. This thinness somehow allows for more efficient snow melting without the dangers of collapsing. I don’t know how (largely because I’m no scientist like Denise Richards was in that Bond movie) but the new, thinner material is actually stronger than before (and even stronger than steel! Or so I hear.) which also means it’s more transparent than it was before. Gone are the dreaded days of entering the Metrodome like you were entering a tomb with sickly, gray sunlight oozing down from the ceiling. No, now you have the natural sunlight of a cloudy day! Hurray! It’s almost like you’re playing outside! And also, to keen observers, you’ll notice one other omission … No more Nazi-Dome! Kind of sad, actually.
But this just won’t do. A new and better Dome isn’t going to make the Vikings stick around. We still need this stadium and this team to collapse and possibly burn to the ground through several Molotov Cocktails being thrown at it so that the state and populace is forced to build a new one for those millionaires. And, through the thanks of a helpful Twitter conversation yesterday, Purple Jesus Diaries has found just the squad to help us out with this task: The Minnesota Vikings.
That’s right. What better group of mercenaries and arsonists do we need than the Vikings themselves to take matters into their own hands? Think about how perfect this scenario lines up. The players are unemployed right now and likely haven’t had the reality of zero income coming in soon hit them. In short time they’ll be desperate to find new opportunities to make bank to pay off their growing debt. I propose offering them peanuts (literally) so they’ll use their natural god given talents to help us tear this stadium down once and for all. Here’s how it’ll work (And special thanks to Qommie and mikecochranewpg for getting this ball rolling):
- During a quiet Sunday night around the Metrodome, after the old people at the Guthrie have all gone home for their prune juice, our favorite receiver will lead Everyone Loves Mistral Raymond and Big Mack into the Dome through back entrances, of course. Once inside, Raymond and McKinnie will distract whatever guards are still posted with Miami hookers and foam parties. The other participants will slip in while the guards are distracted.
- If, and when, the demolitions team encounters any locked doors, they will temporarily bring Fat Pat back to use him as a wrecking ball, granting the team access to any room needed.
- Once inside, Chris Warcraft Kluwe will access the computer system with his nerd glasses on to alert the teams to structural weak points all around the Dome. This includes teflon and structural weaknesses. I don’t know either, just go with it.
- Phil Loadholt will be brought (in Rancor-esque chains) to a structural weakness location where Chris Cook will slather some of his special home-mae BBQ sauce all over the support beam so Loadholt will begin eating through it. In no time, the Dome begins to weaken.
- Chad Greenway and the White Linebacker Squad head to another support beam where Greenway strategically places his bathtub-created house bombs which include ingredients of Drano, Windex, a Glad air freshener, and the bones of an Iowa Hawkeye cheerleader. BOOM! Another area down.
- The Dome begins to sway and weaken further. Percy Harvin, Randy Moss and John David Booty crawl to the top of the Dome and tear off a panel of the new teflon to roll the largest joint ever. This serves four purposes. 1) It weakens the new dome and slowly but surely lets air out, as the new Dome is only one panel thick. 2) It provides increased smoke cover for any wandering eyes observing the teams actions. 3) The strength of the material allows the three players to smoke the slowest burning joint EVER, which leaves some heavy ashes to fall on to the rest of the material, burning it straight through. 4) You got super high.
- As the building begins to collapse and the demo team is being chased away from the site, Toby Gerhart brings up the rear and is eventually caught, as he is slower and dumber than everyone else. He eventually gets charged with the crime, kicked off the team, and silently held as an hero and a martyr for his brave actions to prevent the use of the new Dome. People are also happy because it frees up a roster spot for a player who is good.
Got some we missed? Put ’em in the comments!
You’d also be remiss if you didn’t think these plans aren’t being thought of already. When Lester Bagley was seen on the news last night politely discussing how happy he was that a new Dome was put up, you could HEAR the gears churning, figuring out what back-door methods he was going to use to contact all these players to bring them into the fold. And it will happen, my friends, it will happen. Otherwise, me, you and all three of the readers at PJD are going to have to take matters into our own hands.
By sucking dick for favors. I just hope it doesn’t come to that.
PS to the stupids: No one actually has plans to blow up the Metrodome, as far as we know. So clean your panties out.