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“Turning Down USC was the Most Difficult Decision in my Life”

Minnesota Vikings running back coach, Eric Bieniemy, had a major decision to make this past weekend. Reports surfaced that he was approached by USC as to whether or not he would be interested in accepting a coaching staff position at the school. Bieniemy turned down the offer, but as PJD has made up here he related to PJD, it was clearly the most difficult decision of his life …

“It was I think later Friday night, around 9:30 PM or so when me and my wife had just wrapped another hilarious episode of ‘Everyone Loves Raymond’ when I heard my phone ringing in the living room. I crawled out of bed and tried to find my floor boxers before lumbering out to answer it. It was then I noticed a familiar 213 West Coast area code number on the caller ID, one I was familiar with from my time teaching rich white kids the finer details of college ball at UCLA. I said a quick prayer to the Lord before I answered it, praying it wasn’t an old friend calling with bad news. No, instead it was something even more frightening on the other line.

“It was a coaching offer at USC directly from the most beautiful woman out west, Lane Kiffin.

“Kiffin offered me the position casually, as if he was assured my acceptance was going to be guaranteed. And I admit, I thought about the offer. Here I am, with my wife and two boys who are looking to go to college soon, stuck in the middle of the country freezing our God given ends off. The opportunity to pick up, move back out west and join such a respectable, established institution of higher education was immediately enticing. Just think! Maybe my boy, Eric III could be the next Reggie Bush. Or even better! Elijah could take the NCAA by storm and become the next OJ Simpson! To continue such legacy, and receive such a fine education as offered by USC was really something that drew my attention.

“In the end, however, I had to do right by my peers, and my players. I knew that Adrian Peterson, God love ’em, still needs the guidance of my steady hand to correct his fumbling issues. And we will get him there, on the way to a Super Bowl. And doesn’t it just seem like fate that Toby Gerhart and I have been brought back together after all this time, when I tried to recruit him to UCLA over Stanford? And let’s be honest. The Vikings did finally promote me to assistant offensive coach, and just in time too. One more year of a Darrell Bevell led offense, approved by Coach Childress and I may have been running to be a position coach with the Gophers! That’s how bad it gets sometimes. When it was all said and done though, it just feels like this is the place for me to be, with all of these indicators showing my hand is flush of Minnesota.

“And so Saturday morning I called Coach Kiffin back, let him know I would have to decline, and thanked him for the offer. He called me a ‘Volunteer cocksucker‘, I think is the phrase he used, although I am not quite sure what that means. Regardless, it further cemented my decision to stay with the Vikings. And with my raise, I do believe I will purchase new goose down coats for my boys, and for me and my wife, the entire collection of ‘Raymond’ on DVD. I love that show!”