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Vikings Shuffle Assistant Coaches, Hire Some Up-and-Comers to Help

Amidst all of the crazy roster moves the Minnesota Vikings had this week (see: the Vikings released Michael Jenkins, and … That's about it), there were a couple of other moves that went a bit more below the radar. Namely, the always-important position of Assistant Special Teams Coach was filled after Vikings stalwart Chris White recently left to coach at Iowa.

First, the fact that anyone voluntarily left to go to Iowa is absurd. We're better off without him. Second, I had no idea Chris White was, has been, or ever would be, employed by the Minnesota Vikings, so his loss is clearly devastating. Thirdly, what a useless coaching position. We're wasting money on this instead of giving it to Percy Harvin? "Go tackle that guy! Yeah, that's good coachin'." Embarrassing.

Regardless, between this position and the Assistant to the Head Coach, ESPN1500 has alerted fans to these changes ongoing at Winter Park. But thanks to Purple Jesus Diaries, we dug a little deeper and got you even more information. Details below:

First, the full details on the assistant coaching changes from ESPN1500:

Leslie Frazier filled the most notable opening on his coaching staff from within.

The Minnesota Vikings announced on Monday that Ryan Ficken will take over as assistant special teams coach for Chris White, who left for the University of Iowa.

Ficken joined the Vikings' staff in 2007. He most recently served as assistant receivers coach.

The Vikings also confirmed the hiring of Jeff Howard, who replaced Cam Turner as assistant to the head coach.

Some riveting stuff. White, you will be missed. Ficken, you're name rhymes with frickin', so you're aces in my book. Jeff Howard, you remind me of Jeff Fischer, but probably shouldn't, but regardless, I'm glad to be gone of the bastard child between Cam Cameron and Norv Turner. And he was assisting Leslie Frazier?! Everything makes so much sense now.

But that's not all! Check out these other assistant coaching changes that Purple Jesus Diaries has heard about. The Vikings have also hired:

Josh Duhamel as Assistant to Douchey Vikings fans.

– Hillary Clinton as Assistant Linebackers Coach

Uncle Dolan as Assistant to Team Rule Enforcement Team

– Matthew McConaughey as Assistant to Shirtless Christian Ponder

– James Franco as Existential Crisis Assistant Team Member as well as Assistant Dick Nose Coach

– VIKTOR the VIKING as Assistant Drug Dealer/User

Did we miss any? Let us know in the comments, and let us know which new assistant coach you're looking most forward to in 2013.