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Your 2011 NFL Draft Recap: Even After All That, We’re Still Probably Last in the NFC North

The 2011 NFL Draft has come and gone. As all the draft picks for each team are wrapped up, analyzed, complained about, ridiculed, and each seventh round pick ignorantly projected as a started, Purple Jesus Diaries will help you to wrap up all of the loose tid-bits about what could have, should have, and in some cases unfortunately did happen. Because really, before we get to meet and greet these new faces in the Minnesota Vikings organization, we have to understand how we got there. With a dick joke or two, of course. So let’s recap:

1. Christian Ponder is your new franchise quarterback
Did you ever once think you would be uttering that phrase? Me neither. However, it doesn’t piss me off. After a weekend to digest the pick, I bet you’d be hard pressed to find a fan OR a national pundit that absolutely hates Christian Ponder going to the Vikings. If anything, they hate that they took him at 12 when most thought he wouldn’t go in the second. But, if the Vikings are telling the truth (*bike horn noise*) and they couldn’t find anyone willing to be a trade partner for them to move back, then I don’t blame them for picking one of the guys they targeted as being a franchise quarterback option. Hey, you got to start somewhere. Rumor also has it that the Redskins were eyeing Ponder at 16 anyway. The Redskins ended up not even drafting a QB, which makes this rumor skeptical as the latest UFO one, but maybe they were like the Vikings in that they had Newton, Locker, Gabbert and Ponder as the only four they were willing to consider and once they were all gone drafting a QB wasn’t a concern. Who knows. But you can’t skewer the Vikings for giving the franchise something it hasn’t had in almost a decade; a potential player to write his name in pen as the starting QB for the upcoming season.

2. Visanthe Shiancoe thinks Kyle Rudolph “Doesn’t compare”
There’s your dick joke! The Rudolph pick is an interesting one and a possible selection we had discussed for the Vikings months ago. MONTHS AGO. I’m a fucking genius! Except I’m pretty sure I was talking about him being picked in the first round. Whatever. Rudolph bring youth to the position and allows us to let Shiancoe walk after this upcoming season which, I guess, is fine by me as long as Rudolph has a huge wang for a white guy. We have to replace EVERYTHING at the tight end position, you know. This pick also makes it pretty clear to me what Musgrave wants to do with the offense, and frankly, it’s exciting. I can kind of see Ponder as a lispy-er Matt Ryan and Rudolph as Tony Mexican. Then you have Purple Jesus > Michael Turner, Squid Rice = Roddy White, and Percy Harvin >>>>> everyone. If the offensive line decides to stop playing like they want to see their quarterbacks get molested, we might just be on to something … in like a year or four.

I also can’t blame the Vikings for this pick. I think they over-reached for Ponder in the first, but with this in the second they took one of the best players on the boards. With this team, they just need talent and you can’t really bitch about where it’s coming from.

3. The MC Mallett conundrum
While we were all sitting around wringing our silk panties over not drafting an offensive linemen in the first two rounds, the Patriots went ahead and drafted MC Mallett, someone many idiotic fans wanted at pick 12. Mallett is a clear talent, the guy can stick it in tighter holes than Lawrence Taylor with a pass, but clearly every single team wasn’t convinced. If he ever screws his head on right he’ll be made to look great when Brady goes world traveling with his lady friends and then get traded to a shitty AFC West team for a pretty king’s ransom. And Belichek will laugh, and laugh, and laugh like he always does, and like he did when he selected Mallett with the third round pick the Vikings gave him in the Randy Moss trade.

Yeah, I know. Typical Vikings.

4. Offensive heavy picks
I get the impression many people were confused/upset/bi-curious about the Vikings going so heavy to draft offense early and throughout the draft. I was too until I remembered just how amazingly terrible the entire offense was ALL SEASON. And largely when ESPN kept on flashing offensive and defensive stats throughout the Vikings time on the clock. Remember how the defense was actually playing kind of solid for the entire first half of the year before the packed it in and said “Welp, fuck this shit. You go to hell Brad Childress and Brett Favre.” I kind of do. And it becomes really obvious when you realize that they ranked 29 in points offensively per game in the league and 23 in yards, and 18 in points defensively and 8 in yards. Yeah, the offense needs A LOT of help. We look nothing like the Patriots, Packers, Falcons or even the fucking Bears for that matter. No, we look like a wet spot on your boxers after you just preemied all over yourself. Gross.

5. Help where we need it
With that in mind, we got help where we need. Clearly, you have no idea if any of these rich assholes are going to pan out, but MAN, THERE IS POTENTIAL! Ponder could end up being Chad Pennington, Kyle Orton, or Matt Ryan. Frankly, I would take any of them. Rudolph was clearly the best tight end in this draft and add another great weapon. Christian Ballard is a well coached defensive tackle that will probably play the first four games because Kevin Williams is suspended. Burton and Raymond are both guys that can hit that will get a look at shoring up our defensive backfield, and both Love and Fusco could legitimately challenge our shitty offensive line starters even as no name rookies. Speaking of names, Love better understand this town already has someone by that name and be willing to take a second seat to Kevlar, and Fusco is a fantastic last name that sounds like something the NFL Shop would try to block if you tried to put it on a customized one. Homan is the new hotness over Heath Farwell, and the two seventh rounders will probably be practice squad guys in their wildest dreams.

6. Them other teams got better, mang
I am scared shitless of the Lions, the Bears are whatever, and the Packers just won the Super Bowl. That pretty much says it all.

7. ESPN coverage is amazingly bad
As stated, I don’t get to watch the NFL Network coverage of the draft but I’m not sure that really matters as I’ve heard that Deion Sanders is a horrible, horrible person that ear fucks you. However, the ESPN coverage simply has to be worse. Thing I hate about it, listed in order of hate:

1. Chris Berman – Retire him, he stutters, he ruins every pick by trying to be coy and play guessing games with it, and his jokes were super funny in 1987. He needs to retire five years ago. He is beyond terrible.
2. Trent Dilfer – Did you know Trent Dilfer has watched live games and coaches tape of EVERY player in the draft? It’s true! And he’ll remind you every seven minutes. His eyes are also too close together, he hates kickers because he irrationally thinks he was somehow an amazing quarterback, and he just listened to “Don’t Stop Believing” for the first time last week and wants you to listen to it too. I honestly would smirk if I found out he went to jail.
3. Yelling – WHY DOES EVERYONE ON THAT STATION YELL. Get the fuck over yourself. Herm Edwards, Rodney Harrison, what’s his face, Chris Berman, every single one of those assholes. Shut up already, FUCK.
4. The commercials – Do you think GMC
knows that because of that queer song they play in their commercial about a truck waking up with a man at 4 AM (IMPOSSIBLE!) that no one buys their shit? I fucking hate that one. And who’s the cock-burn now on Sunday night baseball? “On BASEballs … BIGGest stage …” … Shut the fuck up. It’s baseball. No one cares.
5. Todd McShay – How did you weasel your way on TV? Kiper must be getting soft.
6. Chris Mortenson – I like you, sir, but you can’t speak a coherent sentence on camera if your life depended on it.

Things I liked about the ESPN broadcast? Mel Kiper and surprisingly Adam Schefter. That was it.

8. Hedging expectations
When it’s all said and done, we all know that we’re not going to win anything anyway, so I try not to get too excited about all of this. With that pessimistic view, I always feel I’m able to look at the draft and team a LITTLE bit more rationally than most. With that being said, I have modest expectations for Ponder (think he’ll be fine), high expectations for what Rudolph will bring (Todd Heap!) and honestly think most of the rest can contribute early, particularly the offensive line guys. More than anything I just wish the NFL would stop miming people and welfare and just get the fuck back to work. I want to see Ponder in a #7 jersey, fans with modded TarVar jerseys, OTAs to start, and free agency to happen.

But until then, we’ll just create false identities and make up fabricated stories about all these new players. Your help would be greatly appreciated in the comments. First up? I imagine Christian Ponder has a lisp and Joe Mauer is his father. Don’t they kind of look alike?