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Your Draft Pick Sucks: Ryan Mallett

The NFL Draft is fantastic, because for almost a full year we all get to sit around and pick on a bunch of 20 year-olds before they become millionaires. During the combines, pro-days, and scoutings, every stupid rube comes up with one or two players they really key in on that they want their team to pick. This is no different with the Vikings, and may in fact be worse, because every year Vikings fans hang their hopes on some idiot. This feature aptly titled “Your Draft Pick Sucks”, picks apart some of the more popular fan votes for players in the upcoming draft in a very shallow, mean spirited way. Naturally. Today, we look at that idiot quarterback everyone is squawking over, Ryan Mallett …

Who: Ryan Mallett, quarterback from Arkansas. Their team mascot is a Razorback, which is like a dirty, sun-burnt pig with horns coming out of their heads. I don’t know either. His nickname is also “Big Tex”, largely because he was a high school star in Texarkana. Here’s a hint: Never keep your nickname from high school. You sound stupid.

WHO?! Yeah, crazy stuff, huh? Mallett is a redshirt Junior, 22 years of age. He’s almost as tall as Wesley Johnson from the Timberwolves, and looks just as gangly. He also looks like a meth-head, which really isn’t that far from the truth. Oh, you’ve heard the heavy amount of rumors that he enjoys a little Nose Candyland, right? And that it’s been going on for a while, which has led to immaturity issues and probably helped to provide these cheeky quotes at the recent NFL Combine?

“His answer to a question about how he felt about critics who questioned his accuracy and decision making was equally lame.

“Seven-thousand-plus yards and 60 touchdowns in the last two seasons. That’s how I respond to that,” he said bluntly.”

Well, aren’t you just a charmer, you Arky douche bag.

Why you idiots like him: I’m sure none of your Mallett apologists have actually been following him this long, but MOST stupid-heads like him because he was highly recruited out of high school and went to a big time program originally in Michigan. He played with some REAL NFL players there for his one year, namely Jake Long, Mario Manningham and Adrian Arrington, all of whom made him look better than he really was. Most of you, however, like him because he wowed at the combine, apparently. I say apparently because Tony Pauline of SI.com called him the best QB he’s seen at the Combine in 10 years, and Tony Pauline sure knows his quarterbacks. His other best QB he’s seen at the combine? Joey Harrington. So suck it, assholes.

Why he actually sucks: Oh, you mean aside from being a white drug addict? Using super complex algorithms that you stupid eyeball testing draft nerds wouldn’t understand, Mallett has projected as being the next, great, best, Jake Plummer. JAKE THE SNAKE! Want to hinge Purple Jesus’ future on Jake Plummer? I didn’t think so. Also, another scout has been quoted as saying every time he looks at Mallett he is reminded of Ryan Leaf. Oh, ha ha, NFL scout. Way to throw Leaf under the bus again. How come no one ever uses Akili Smith? IS IT BECAUSE HE’S BLACK, YOU RACISTS!!? The point here is that Mallett teases with potential a lot more than he’ll ever deliver on. He can throw the ball deep, but he’ll fool you into thinking it’s accurate. His short passes aren’t that great either, and he doesn’t see the whole field. Are these things he can improve upon with a good QB coach? Maybe. But not at pick number 12, he won’t though, and if he’s picked I will NOT be offering my coke dealer up to this jackass.

What will happen if he’s a Viking: People like Mallett because he’s played in a couple of big football games and always looked jacked up and enthused in them. I wonder why. You see, when he gets to the NFL he’ll be clean or suspended. If he’s clean, it means he’ll be edgy, snapping at Percy Harvin for dropping a poorly thrown pass, getting deer eyed on a pass rush, and bitching to the calm Frazier on the sidelines. If he’s still scratching at his teeth and looking for hsi fix after the game, he’ll be a stellar third string quarterback getting paid the most ever.

And one more thing: I’m pretty sure he’s a ginger, which obviously means he has no soul and really pasty skin. I can’t make this any more obvious of a player to pass, people.