It’s the big cock tease of the NFL offseason today, as the league releases the official schedule for the upcoming season. It is a day when forward thinking and meticulous fans can start penning in dates on their calendar for when their favorite team will be playing, and where (of course, until flex scheduling ruins your well laid plans halfway through the season. Suck it, obsessive compulsive!). While that’s all well and good to map out your team’s opponent and when they’ll be playing them, as well as being a forward thinker and taking that Tuesday off after your (most likely) Monday Night Football loss, at PJD we think that the release of the NFL schedule is a better opportunity to instead plan in advance of how best to make fun of the fans of the opposing team, because the “jerk store” line just won’t cut it. And of course, as the Flex Scheduling mistake so proves, as comprehensive as you plan to be, some gems may appear to use as fodder against a team between now and game day. So stay on your toes, but feel free to add these scathing inappropriate and incorrect generalizations when hauranging the opposing teams’ fans: September 13th (Noon) at Cleveland – Pretty self explanatory here. Even though the Vikings’ QB competition comes down between a DII college turnover machine for a quarterback or a helicopter, I still feel more confident in those two options than with a guy nicknamed Horse Balls and the ambiguously gay Quinn. And you also live in Ohio. That is an immediate fail. September 20th (Noon) at Detroit – Clearly overmatched, try to reaffirm the fans from this dying city that yes, their team lost, but at least they’re not frozen in an abandoned warehouse’s make-shift hockey rink. September 27th (Noon) vs. San Francisco – Whenever you 49er fans are done combing each other’s hair, gossiping over your Blackberry and have wrapped up catching some gnarly waves brah, please take note that your pants-less coach just got stomped on by Purple Jesus. Kthnxbai. October 5th (Monday Night, 7:20 PM) vs. Green Bay – It may be helpful to provide the number to a domestic abuse crisis line this evening, as reports for physical violence in Wisconsin homes increases dramatically after a Packers loss, which, of course, will be a loss after Purple Jesus leaves them wishing for the warm and fuzzier days when Lord Farvaro would throw interceptions to much delight. October 11th (Noon) at Saint Louis – No Torry Holt or Issac Bruce for the first time in how long? I wonder what white receiving wonder you’ll bring in this time to finish grasping at historical straws. Maybe you can cheer for Warner to re-reclaim glory with a different team. Or you can always be happy about living in … Saint … Louis … sick. October 18th (Noon) vs. Baltimore – I’d love to make fun of your QB with a uni-brow, your embarrassing social class discrepancies, or your murdering psychopath of a middle linebacker, but the Vikings are essentially modeling their team off of your fluke squad that won the big game, so … enjoy … Maryland? Hahahahahahahaha, no, I can’t even do that with a straight face. October 25th (Noon) at Pittsburgh – You just won the Super Bowl, you stole your awesome coach for us, and you took one of our ex-running backs and turned him serviceable when our own idiot coaches couldn’t do anything with him. Unfortunately, I hear your mascot and Brady Quinn are best of friends. November 1st (Noon) at Green Bay – It’s almost too easy here. Simply remind Packer fans that the team colors are green and gold, not hunter orange and camoflague. November 8th (BYE) November 15th (Noon) vs. Detroit – Broken, beaten and scarred, at least you still have a job, right? Right? Oh ….. November 22nd (Noon) vs. Seattle – Remember when you guys went to the Super Bowl? What a trip, huh? It was probably also the last day that you had sunshine and that your hippy roommate showered. Please go back to your corner of the nation so we can forget about you again. November 29th (Noon) vs. Chicago – Don’t worry Chicago fans, you didn’t just gamble away at minimum two years of draft picks for a quarterback that constantly lives life on the edge, where at a moments loss of consciousness he could die from Type I Diabetes. Good thing QBs never see contact and that en already doesn’t have a coffin fitted for him.
December 6th (3:15 PM) at Arizona – Yay! You lost the Super Bowl in dramatic fashion to one of the most insufferable sports franchises to ever exist, when you were literally mere seconds away from unparalleled success! Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll find yourselves back there again soon … December 13th (Noon) vs. Cincinnati – If you ever get bored with the police blotter in your town, please turn your paper to the sports section, check the box score to see that your team lost, and then remember that you live in Ohio. Begin crying. December 20th (Sunday Night, 7:20 PM) at Carolina – I forget, are you guys the racist Carolina or no? Inbred Carolina? Just checking. Regardless, I hope you lose so that Steve Smith can punch someone in the head again. That was fucking awesome. December 28th (Monday Night, 7:20 PM) at Chicago – Lost again, Chicago fans? At least you and your three chins can still proudly wear your team sweater from 1986 that’s three sizes too small now! Be happy with your lone Super Bowl victory and remember that the stars will most likely never align for you in such a fashion again because your city has a long history of aiding and abetting criminals. Give Cincinnati a call maybe? January 3rd (Noon) vs. New York Giants – It must be so difficult to be self entitled champions all the time, despite the fact that your team doesn’t even play in the state that it’s name sake stakes claim too, and that you have to put up with the even more undeserving fans in Texas in your division. Every year it’s a monumental piss fest, and when even one of your princess teams from the NFC East flounders it makes everyone else’s life that much better. Enjoy Sex and the City, Eli. Honestly, I don’t see a single loss on this schedule. Enjoy 2009!