The Charge of the Light Ramirez

Note by Evan: Not much to say. We won, and Alex Cora got away with silly defense at third. I don’t mind it much, I like that Francona is trying to add to Cora’s versatality. If you want some more take on the Red Sox, visit the entry below, we can talk about pitching…

OK, I probably ought to explain myself for writing something this silly, but … what the heck, I’m not even gonna try. Suffice it to say that I have an oddball sense of humor. So here you go: in the full glory of its inexplicable goofiness, I give you my Red-Sox-flavored spoof of that most melodramatic piece of English literature, Alfred Lord Tennyson’s “The Charge of the Light Brigade” (which, if you’ve never read before, I recommend you read before you read my version so you’ll recognize all the echoes):

I.

Base by base, base by base,

Base by base onwards,

Assaulting baseball’s record books,

Manny Ramirez.

He’s headed for the Hall of Fame,

But it’s his bat that makes his name.

His glove … well, see, that’s not his game,

Manny Ramirez.

II.

He hits whatever pitches come,

He hits them all, he hits them some,

He hits in Yankee Stadium,

Manny Ramirez.

His is not to question why,

His is not to make reply,

His is but to do and dye,

Manny Ramirez.

III.

Scandal to the right of him,

Scandal to the left of him,

Scandal in front of him,

Manny Ramirez.

Not legging out a double play,

Not catching baseballs hit his way:

That’s Manny. What else is there to say?

Manny Ramirez.

IV.

He hits the ball a country mile.

He does so with a goofy smile.

He wears his clothes in baggy style,

Manny Ramirez.

His hair’s a dreadlocked, frazzly mess,

As ragged as his rumpled dress.

For that’s his trademark, sloppiness,

Manny Ramirez.

V.

Scandal to the left of him,

Scandal to the right of him,

Scandal surrounding him,

Manny Ramirez.

He wants a trade. He wants to stay.

He gets picked off too far astray.

His hammy’s sore now, he can’t play.

He makes a catch that saves the day.

He drives in runs in every way,

No matter what the papers say,

Manny Ramirez.

VI.

His buddy Papi would agree,

He’s somethin’ else, a sight to see,

A mashing Monster mystery,

Manny Ramirez.

His bat is ours (his glove is, too).

He’s zany, but that’s nothing new,

So what’s a Red Sox fan to do?

Manny Ramirez!

And on that note … well, as you’ll probably be very glad to hear (that is, glad after reading this), Evan returns tomorrow. Welcome back, Evan!