Through some intrepid reporting skills, some phone-tapping, and some straight out stalking, we here at the Victoria Times are pleased to offer you some New Year’s Resolutions for Minnesota Teams for 2008.
Justin Morneau: Try not to do something that makes me get text messages from all my hockey friends about being a wimp. Also, learn to run into a catcher in a way that doesn’t cause a bruised lung.
Nick Punto: No flirting with Medoza. Try for Ted Williams.
Ron Gardenhire: Try to learn the names of the entire team by All-Star Break.
Team: We want small things. Like, a ring.
Marian Gaborik: Go for the six-goal game. Also, play awesomely all games so Jacque Lemaire doesn’t threaten to bench me.
Mikko Koivu: Get back on the ice again. Beth misses me–or, rather, my name.
Martin Skoula: Make the fans like me.
Pierre-Marc Bouchard: Try to keep my sweater untucked during a whole game like the big kids.
Team: Minnesota has a shortage of extra-large drinking vessels named after Lords. Perhaps we could get Stanley’s?
Troy Williamson: Consider getting a Taurus, because Focus is too easily lost.
Adrian Peterson: Look up records not broken. Break them.
Team: Give Minnesotans hope for the playoffs, but change things up by not crushing those same hopes.
Randy Foye: Get well and stay on the team, so Beth can name one Timberwolves player.
Team: Double win percentage to 26.6%.
Rusty Kath: Make the fans laugh.
Team: Give Rusty material to work with.