Today is a bit of a slow day in the hockey world. Unless you’re involved in the Pensblog/Yahoo/Crosby scuffle or are enthralled by Alex Ovechkin’s personal attire, you may feel the same way. That’s why I’m going to take today to discuss a very important topic for everyone here at BMR: Your Bloguin Penguin.
When I first received the offer to join Bloguin, I didn’t pay much attention to the details of it. I read the words “free Combos” and that was really the end of the negotiations. So imagine my surprise when there was more to it than that. Not only did this Bloguin thing turn out to be a solid host for the blog but each commenter gets an adorable little Penguin avatar. Most people were surprised by this, as I was, because why in the world would a blog host give out free pet penguins? I have no idea. I’m not sure anyone really does (the guy that runs this place resides in an ice fortress somewhere in Antarctica).
Long story short, we’ve got a lot of people with new, free Penguins and no clue how to use them. If you follow me through the jump (click that ‘read more’ link down there), I’ll get you up to speed.
So you’ve got this new Penguin and don’t know what to do with it. The darned thing is cute but it just squawks all day long and you’re getting frustrated and want to barbecue it for dinner. Well, first off, DON’T do that. PETA will be on your butt faster than (insert jail joke here).
Here’s a quick instruction manual:
1) Give your Penguin a name.
It must be hockey related. If it isn’t the Penguin will migrate to another blog. These are specially raised Hockey Penguins. They would take it as a personal offense to be called Sparky or Clementine. Clemmensen or Stastny is perfectly acceptable however. Or even Faceoff.
Mine is called Ice Pimp, in honor of JR.
2) Now, stop the squawking. Here are some tips on how to figure out what your Penguin is saying to you:
If one shrill squawk is heard, feed Penguin.
If one long squawk is heard, turn on FSN Pittsburgh. If you don’t get FSN Pittsburgh, buy NHL Center Ice.
If it tries to peck your eyes out, feed it again.
If two squawks are heard, it’s reminding you to check out the best blog in the world (this one, duh) because you haven’t in a while.
If three, short squawks are heard, punch a Capitals fan in the face. Preferably one of the new bandwagon jumpers.
If it attacks your dog/cat, let them fight to the death for your love and affection.
If it wakes you up at 4am and its eyes are red, feed it.
If it tries to steal your car, let it. It will go to Lowe’s and return with supplies and other Penguins to build you an igloo in the backyard. If you live in an apartment or otherwise don’t have a backyard, it will build you one in the bathroom and you will have no hot water for the lifespan of the Penguin.
If it comes home drunk with lipstick on its beak, dump it and get a new Penguin. Unless you get attached easily and make poor decisions under such circumstances. In that case, cry, yell at it and then have makeup… umm… just makeup with it.
That’s really all there is to know about your brand new Bloguin Penguin. If you have any questions or concerns, leave them in the comments. This Penguin is yours to keep, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health… And so on.
No purchase necessary void where prohibited. Absolutely no returns or exchanges. Side effects may include thermostat constantly being turned down to the lowest setting, your friends questioning your sanity, your friends then ignoring your phone calls for months at a time until they feel bad because you don’t have friends anymore, indigestion, upset stomach, bird flu, gambling urges and snow blower attacks if you live in the Denver area.