Imaginary Interviews with Real People:Roberto Luongo

Naturally, I don’t have access to NHLers, so I can’t interview them directly. However, using the power of my imagination, I can recreate what it might look like if I had access to an NHL player. Today I present an interview with Robert Luongo.
Loser Domi: First off, thank you, Roberto for agreeing to this interview.
Roberto Luongo: No problem. Just make sure it’s not all day. I got to pick up some new pads

LD: No worries. So, the Canucks have just completed a sweep of the St. Louis Blues and it looks like you’re going to be playing the Chicago Blackhawks. How do you think that series will end up?
Luongo: First off, I can’t really respect a team that ignores its name. They’re called the black hawks, but I don’t see any hawks on their jerseys at all! At least “Canuck” is abstract enough where we can play around with it a bit. But come ON—a black hawk shouldn’t be that hard to illustrate.
LD: ..right. According to the NHL, you are not on the list of Vezina finalists—
Luongo:–So let me guess, you’re gonna ask me how I feel?
LD: ..no (discreetly crosses off question). What do you think of the three goalies who were nominated—Steve Mason, Tim Thomas, and Niklas Backstrom—and why do you think you got left off?
Luongo: I probably got left off on account of my groin be popping left and right. It’s kinda hard to be a good goalie without a working junk muscle. Mason’s an ok kid, but h should spend some time working and getting games under his belt. I’m pretty sure if he has to play in overtime, he has to get a signed permission note from his mum saying he can stay up that late. And Tim Thomas, well, he’s just nuts. He’s off his rocker. I wouldn’t trust him with sharp objects around, you know what I’m saying?
LD: Good, good, but what about Backstrom?
Luongo:
…Who?
LD:  Niklas Backstrom. The goalie for the Minnesota wild?
Luongo:
Wild?
LD: You’re in the same conference as them! Hell, you’re even in the same division as the Wild!
Luongo:
huh. Never heard of it
LD: Nevermind. Something kind of odd here, but does it ever mess with you when Vancouver people chant “LUUUUUUUUUUU”? It always sounds like booing to me.
Luongo:
I always hear boos as “LUUUUUU”s anyway, so it doesn’t bother me.
LD: What about fans likening your appearance to Borat?
Luongo:
That doesn’t bug me, you know, it was a kind of funny movie film. I just don’t want to chase a 300 pound guy with a rubber fist. That would be nightmare inducing.
LD: Is there anything that journalists or interviewers do that annoys you?
Luongo:
“Bobby Lou”.
LD:  Bobby Lou?
Luongo
: I swear to God, the next time someone says “Bobby Lou” to me, I’ll shoot them in the face.
LD: What’s so bad about Bobby Lou?
Luongo:
I’LL SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE! EAT GUN BITCH!
LD:  Roberto, that’s not even a gun, it’s just your hand made into a gun shape.
Luongo:
…wanna play spies?
LD:  What?
Luongo:
…pew, pew pew!
LD: What the…?  Oh well. (DOMI throws an imaginary grenade at LUONGO)
Luongo: NOOOOO!!! (feigns death)
LD: Roberto? Roberto?…Bobby lou? (kicks gingerly at LUONGO with shoe) I’m…just gonna go now.

Arrow to top