CANADA — For the 15th straight season, the nation of Canada will not win the Stanley Cup. Last night, the Vancouver Canucks were eliminated by the upstart Chicago Blackhawks in Game 4 of their Western Conference Semifinal. Patrick Kane had a hat trick for the Hawks while Canucks netminder Roberto Luongo gave up a season high 7 goals. All across the nation of Canada, Canadians are not taking this well. Except maybe in Toronto, where fans thrive on the tears of others.
“We, uh, are very saddened by this news,” said the Canadian Prime Minister whose head is oddly broken into two distinct parts at the jaw. “But we will continue on. The Canadian people are strong and have been through worse.”
But the current 15-year Stanley Cup drought is the worst in Canada’s history. The Prime Minister was still positive when asked about the effect this would have on the country’s populance.
“Well, there was the big strike a few years ago but we likely will not go pursue that option again. I fear that we may write some angry letters to Gary Bettman and then keep our anger bottled up inside until one day we wake up and decide that we absolutely have to write another angry letter.”
Early this morning, Molson Inc. reported beer sales had spiked nearly 4100% in the hours following the Canucks’ loss. Staples stores across Canada are also completely sold out of paper and envelopes.