Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Game Preview: Suck It, you Hipster Doofus Football Team!

Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Game Preview: Suck It, you Hipster Doofus Football Team!


Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Game Preview: Suck It, you Hipster Doofus Football Team!


It’s already week eleven? Heading into week eleven you can start to feel the toll of an entire season of football weighing on everyone’s shoulders. Sure, the players feel beaten up and exhausted, despite their recent bye week. And yes, the competition only gets stiffer (lol) and the weather colder, but there is no an end in sight for the players. They’re terribly burdened! Well for me, as a fan, having week eleven already makes me want to punch a baby turtle. Someone just mentioned recently that football season would be ending soon and I got furious. Fantasy football seasons are getting to the home stretch. College football is showing Michigan versus Ohio State. That pretty much always means that football is over with when that game comes on. This makes my soul sad, even though the players may feel like they’ve been beaten forever with no end in sight. KEEP FIGHTING FOR MY ENJOYMENT! And when the fucking Seattle Seahawks stroll into town this weekend, I will find myself even more furious. Matt Hasselbeck, Walter Jones, Julius Jones, Jim Mora Jr., … All of you can go die in a boating accident. Your false sense of entitlement to the NFC West makes me want to rage, and your ugly uniforms, city, and balding quarterback do not help. Also, that poison pill whiney shit you reacted to Minnesota with when the Vikings stole Steve Hutchinson was beyond childish. You don’t want to lose the best left guard in football, assholes? Then don’t insult him with a low tender. You get everything you deserve! That list will end with a thorough ass forking this weekend against the Vikings.

Special thanks to a rube named Melba Toast over at Rube Chat for this weeks game day preview graphic!

[Cool picture of Seattle was once here before some salty vagina asked us to take it down. I mean, it was free advertising for them! What could go wrong?!? Also, this post is from like, 37 months ago. No one will ever read it again.]

Seriously, fuck of Seattle: If I may, I’m going to go on what I feel may be an unpopular rant here. I think Seattle is a terrible fucking city. It may not as bad as, say, Dallas, but it’s pretty fucking terrible. I also am aware that this is a rather unpopular opinion amongst younger individuals, and actually was antithetical to what I thought once myself. When I was younger and before I visited Seattle, I believed the city to be one of the greatest in the world. Look at that Space Needle! And the mountains! And it hardly ever snows! Well, the Space Needle is more disappointing than finding an untrimmed bush on a rated 9 chick, and the weather out there fucking sucks. Also, the cities streets are planned poorer than the streets are in Saint Paul, and that’s saying something. It may be one of the most people-unattractive cities I’ve ever visited as well. Even walking around the campus area, where an untold bevy of sexually appealing young women should be, you found nothing. Instead, you are “treated” with a bunch of lame hipster cunts that don’t shave, wear depressing clothing and look like they want to sing Bob Marley all day long. GET A JOB YOU HIPSTER FUCK! Also, the entire city still looks like a port town built in the 1920s and was never updated. And it’s expensive as shit to live out there, in a shitty little house. HOW VERY APPEALING. No wonder Kurt Cobain shot himself, although, he should have just bought a train ticket out of there. Regardless, no matter what anyone says, I will always think Seattle is one of the most overrated, unimpressive and hipster saturated cities in the entire world. FUCK YOU EMERALD CITY.

And where do you get off with these uniforms? Neon green. You’re wearing a neon green uniform as an alternate jersey. It’s officially your third color, Seahawks. Why? I don’t get it, and it looks like a radioactive caterpillar just took a shit all over you. How fucking disgusting. And what are you looking so smug for, Houshmandzadeh? If you were still on the Bengals you’d be a division contender right now! Instead, everyone has forgotten about you because you’re in a corner of the country that is equivalent to a choad. I use to like you, Housh. As a Bengal, you and Ocho were awesome. You had a stellar young quarterback that made you look like a Pro Bowler. Then the Vikings tried to sign you this past offseason and you spurned our fair state to go closer to home. While we were upset at you for cock teasing us as you did, it was also a blessing in disguise because now we get to direct rancor in your general direction and we also get the benefit of Percy Harvin for years to come. We wouldn’t have had him without you, you filthy Washingtonian! Is it fun catching balls from Seneca Wallace when Hasselbeck goes down injured seven times a season? You fucking retard. And get out of that uniform. All of your uniforms suck, you hags. These neon abortions, your mono-colored unitards and pretty much everything besides your throwbacks suck monkey balls. And even then, your throwbacks are highly questionable. QUIT TRYING TO BE COOL AND CUTTING EDGE!

I renege on Wilf’s Mushroom Stamp from two weeks ago: That’s right Wilf, I’m taking something from you, just like you’ll eventually take this team to Los Angeles! NO MUSHROOM STAMP FOR YOU! And that’s because you signed this fuckwad coach to an extension. A THREE YEAR EXTENSION! Worth three to four million dollars A YEAR! Ok, I’ll try to be rational about this. Really, that’s not a bad deal for an established coach. That Pioneer Press article talks about how Mike Holmgren, who at least made it to the Super Bowl with the Seahawks and had a proven track record in Green Bay, was the highest paid coach during his last year at around eight million. That’s a lot of money, but Holmgren had a record saying he was worth it. Childress? Well, his teams have been two games better each year, and he has a chance of surpassing that quota this year if he makes it past 12 wins. Also, the talent level on the team has been growing exponentially, either through savvy signings or no-brainer draft choices. This doesn’t fall solely on the coach, of course, but is a shared responsibility to bring in players by everyone in the organization, and since Childress has been around, the Vikings have done that well. So he’s got that going for him. But he also looks like a complete asshole when he actually has to do things like, you know, coach football during a game. Things like managing the clock, scoring points, firing up his team, making personnel decisions, you know … stuff that coaches do. SO WHY ARE WE EXTENDING HIM RIGHT NOW?! The feeling throughout the state is that everyone would have looked more favorably upon this extension if the team would have done it after Childress at least won a playoff game, instead of looking like a mole rat during the last one. Color me not impressed AND A VERY UPSET CONSTIUENT.

PJD’s Mail Dump: Another week of questions that people have been pressured into happily and freely sending PJD’s way. We got some good questions today, so let’s jump right into it! And remember, if you have ANY random thing that every tickles your nipples get in contact with us, either for PJD’s new Linkstasy or for the weekly Mail Dump. Email is purplejesusdiaries@gmail.com, Twitter feed here, Facebook here, and a picture of Johnny Flynn, because the fiancé has a crush on him. On to the questions.

From reader UnderhillAcct:

“I’ve got a question: Sidney Rice is getting to the point where he needs an awesome nickname, a la “Purple Jesus”. Thoughts?”

I agree. I’m a bit hesitant to go the “Purple _____” route, because people tried doing that with Favre and it was a disaster. I know that Purple Jesus himself recently informed the public that’s he’s been calling Sidney Rice “Showtime Sid” on his own, and that Greg Coleman on KFAN has been calling him Sidney “Fried” Rice. I kind of like Showtime, as it’s flashy, like Sindey, and seems to mature him a little bit. I’ve always just liked the simple “Sid the Kid”. It rhymes and also references his alleged underaged women mishaps that have floated around message boards for years now. Also, we could try to work with things like “Siddhartha”, “Sid Happens”, “Sid Catch-A-Lot” (A Seattle reference!), “Siddy Putty” or really anything else that someone can come up with that doesn’t suck like those ideas. Leave yours in the comments!

From reader Scott comes:

“In the video of B Favre, what is his obsession with spanking? I read a legitimate article last year that focused on how “friendlier” Favre has gotten as he has aged. Unfortunately, I cannot find the article.

“Also, how awkward is it when he is trying to kiss PJ’s ass in that video? It’s like a mix between him trying to sound good for the mic, and trying give him advice so he can one day say he is partially responsible for PJ’s divinity.”

The video is kind of funny, and I hate that because I still want to genuinely shake my fists at Brett Favre for being a fuck for 20 years. This fantastic season and his general camaraderie towards the team are making this rather difficult though. I don’t get his love for spanking, either. I know it’s something he’s always done, and oh, sure, I kind of get it when you’re 15 playing towel snap or whatever in the showers at school (/no homo), but I’ve heard stories of guys losing testicles because of that, so I’ve washed that playful option straight out of my head. Favre being “friendlier” would worry the shit out of me, though. And yes, his PJ ball washing is obnoxious. I just watched “Observe and Report” last night with Seth Rogen. It reminds me of the scene when his drunk mother tries to pep talk him. Awkward. Decent movie though, if you haven’t seen it. You get to see gross fat man penis. And Ray Liotta. Note: Gross fat penis is NOT Ray Liotta’s.

Finally, from Derek Rick:

“[Could] the gophers basketball team could beat Wolves?”

I don’t actually know anything about the Gophers basketball team. I think half the squad is in drug trouble or something and is suspended, which could be trouble, but the Wolves team is so terrible I doubt that would matter. At least the freshmen on the Gophers squad haven’t been beaten down by years of failing like the players on the Wolves have. I’d have to go Goofers on this one.

Thanks for the questions this week! Again, please send any and everything my way, and feel free to offer your own suggestions in the comments! I’M TRYING TO MAKE THIS INTERACTIVE, PEOPLE, COME ON!

Healthy game distractions: We’ve already touched on the glory of Pico de Gallo during the bye week, but here’s an easy main dish that you can make before the Vikings game to cure your nasty hangover. I have to recognize my family as having come up with this recipe, and they’ll easily attest to its magical hangover reducing powers.

WHAT YOU NEED (For one person):

3-4 eggs, depending on how awesome you are

1 clove of garlic

6 cherry tomatoes

3 fresh basil leaves

Some fresh mozzarella

Some butter


First you need to prep some items. First, crack your eggs into a bowl and add your desired amount of salt and pepper. Don’t add milk, or water, or anything else stupid. The ideal egg density is simply egg. Everything else is bush league. Dice up your garlic glove. If you’re an idiot, the best thing to do is smush your clove with the flat side of your knife, and then dice it thin. Halve the tomatoes, roll the basil up like a blunt and cut those length wise finely (DON’T CHOP IT!) and shred some fresh mozzarella. If you don’t have any that’s fresh, you are missing out, my friend.

You start by putting your butter in your pan. I don’t care if you have a “non stick pan” or not, you still need butter in it because butter makes everything taste better. You let that shit melt, but not brown, and then toss in your garlic and let it sweat. Once that’s ready, throw your eggs in and cook them on a low heat so they cook evenly. Drop your tomatoes in early too, so the acidic juices cook with the egg. Once the eggs look close to being done, drop your mozzarella in so it can start melting and put the basil in at the last minute that the eggs are still cooking so that they release their basily flavor but don’t cook or burn. BOOM. You got hangover cure. Personally, I always cook up some bacon to go along side it, because bacon has been scientifically proven to cure hangovers as well. I can do a whole separate dissertation on bacon though, but for now this is all you need. Let me know how it goes.

They’re called the Seattle Seagals, people! Seagals. Really. Seagulls? Ooooohhh … it’s a play on words! How hilarious! You know, seagulls also have huge mouths that could totally deep throat you during a blow job. I’m just saying, maybe the name is there for a reason. You also know that these cheerleaders are queens in that city too, with how ugly the average person there is. I swear to you that you’d gouge off your testicles if you had to choose from the pool of women that lived in that city. Much like any attractive woman in Wisconsin, these females must have been imported. Probably from California. Or whatever, I don’t know. Really, can you name at least one attractive person that has ever come out of Seattle? I cannot.

Mind bending game predictions! I don’t really know much about the Seahawks this year, partly because they’re hidden away in Seattle and partly because I think they might suck. They’ve lost to some bad to decent to great teams like the Bears, Cardinals and the Colts. But then they’ve beaten some teams like the Jaguars and … well, the Rams and the Lions. Those two teams are real bad. So I guess their record of 3-7 is pretty indicative of whom they are, and that is a team that is worse than the Vikings. So, if logic follows, the Vikings should probably win this game Sunday. Seattle has been injured, their offensive line is still suffering for the loss of Hutchinson, their defensive stars are going down left and right (I’m pretty sure, but who cares) and Hasselbeck is an unreliable old quarterback forming into a Jake Delhomme. Some days he can wing it and some days he looks older than Tara Reid’s stomach. I don’t know what to make of him. But, if there is one coach in the league that has a worse reputation than Childress it’s Jim Mora Jr. So I feel fairly confident in saying that the Vikings will win this game, probably something like 31-23. If Winfield plays, you can knock at least three points off the Seahawks score. I feel like Purple Jesus is due for another MVP type game as well, and The Land Baron will sit back and sling football darts in a very controlled way, but he might be good for an interception this weekend as well. I promise though, it won’t be a back breaker. Not like the one to end our Super Bowl run will be!

Enjoy the game everyone. Leave your expectations, Seattle hatred, links to sexy cheerleaders and anything else in the comments. See you again on Monday with the game recap.

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