Ah, Yes… Tim Tebow’s Tears; Oden Hurts Knee; Berrian Speeds Too; John Wall; and Put Your Hands Up For Detroit

I am so thankful for the sight of Tim Tebag crying on the sidelines after losing to Alabama in the SEC Championship game tonight.  While everyone else, namely mainstream media members, were trying to collect his tears to redistribute to Churches as Holy Water, I was pumping my fist in the air like I was Tiger Woods and I just buried a putt in the hole of a Perkins waitress.

If you’re as perverse as me, you’ll watch Tecurtsy crying from the 2 second mark to the 11 second mark in the following video clip roughly 117 times:

Hold your tears, that was just the beginning.  I want to discuss some stories we didn’t cover individually, but you still might want to hear about.  Pants optional the rest of the way.

• Texas won the nightcap and boy McCoy, what a snooze fest.  Texas trailed by a point with under a minute and decided to a) not use their final timeout b) run a boot leg with seven seconds left and c) throw it out of bounds as the time ticked to nearly triple zeros.  Bold strategy.  Luckily, they were rewarded their well deserved remaining second to attempt a 46-yard field goal, which of course, slipped just through the uprights.  Texas with the win, and they will be headed to Pasadena.  But somehow people will still make their tireless cases for a couple other teams that should be there instead, especially if the Championship game ends in a blow out.  How about we just make sure this happens?  Thanks.

• Greg Oden’s body is indeed as old as it looks.  He suffered a fractured patella last night and will miss the rest of the season.  The guy can’t catch a break, but hopefully he can overcome this.  When he stated, “I’ll be back” after the game he sounded exactly like Terminator and he wasn’t lying so that’s the silver lining for the Blazers.

• Some could say the Devil worked his magic in more ways than one last night.  See Tebow losing for the first.  See Patrick Elias scoring the game winning shoot out goal against the Red Wings for number two.

• The Vikings got together as a team and watched Talladega Nights after their game last week. Now everyone on their roster wants to go fast.  Adrian Peterson was recently caught driving 109 MPH in a 55 zone and now Bernard Berrian was caught going 104 MPH in a 60.  Slingshot engaged.

• My buddy, who is a big Kentucky fan (and Bengals fan, curse him!), wants me to start blogging about John Wall.  He says that it’s fair game because John Wall has a cousin who drove through Detroit one time. Well that instantly makes him a closer connection to Detroit than Joey Harrington, so I’m game.   This John Wall guy seems to be the real deal, too.  His nickname is The Great Wall (of Lexington) and he just helped silence the defending National Champs, despite being really, really thirsty and having “a queasy encounter with an IV drip.”  I don’t know what the latter is, but it sounds like an STD, and Wall just dominated the Heels without telling them he was dirty.  Now they know.  I’m a fan.

• I stole this off of the same buddy’s facebook wall because the world needs to know who is delivering their news.  I hope they fry those bastards:

• And yes, the Lions take on the surprising Bungles in Cinci today.  Honestly, if the Lions are going to lose, all I ask for is continued improvement for Stafford and a new & creative touchdown celebration from Ochocinco.  I’ll pay his fine… with Monopoly money.

• Close it out with a dance party.