(photo courtesy of the AP/Keith Srakocic)
Everyone knows the news that the best coach in Cincinnati history took a lateral move today and went to Notre Dame. Brian Kelly has nothing but the fullest of my respect for what he’s done here. He has shaped the coarse of Cincinnati football for years to come. He took a basketball school and made it a football school. Some of that has to do with UC basketball fans being front running jagoffs, but Kelly helped turn the tide. As good a coach as Mark Dantonio is, he would have never lead fucking Cincinnati to the Orange Bowl and the Sugar Bowl. (Quick side note. Cincinnati has sold out all of their allotted Sugar Bowl tickets. Kudos UC fans. Start supporting basketball front runners.) Words can not express what Brian Kelly and his offensive machine have done for the university and for the fans. Thank you Brian Kelly, I hope you go down in flames. Seriously, fuck Notre Dame. Like we needed anymore reasons.
That brings us to the second part of the post. Who should the new Cincinnati coach be? Lance McAlister reported, and then redacted, a post saying Kerry Combs would coach the bowl game. I’m 1,000,000% certain Kelly won’t coach the Sugar Bowl. I believe I said it already. But, that doesn’t answer who the coach should be. Lance and Bill Koch offered up their replacements. Both had Skip Holtz, Butch Jones, Jeff Quinn and Chris Peterson. Lance also threw in Kevin Sumlin, Al Golden, Pat Hill, Turner Gill, Brady Hoke, Kerry Combs, Tommy Tuberville, Phil Fulmer and Jeff Jagoffazinski. Let’s assume these are the 10 candidates. I will rank them in the order that I want to see them here coaching.
- Chris Peterson, Boise State coach. Chances: 1%. I have no idea why he would leave when he can go undefeated forever and be the greatest coach in Boise history. He can probably go to Michigan if they fire Rich Rod next year.
- Turner Gill, Buffalo coach. Chances: 58%. Buffalo had a down year, so this one could be a reach. However, I fell in love with Turner Gill last season and thought he was the man for Auburn. I think he is the hire if the Cats can’t get Peterson.
- Butch Jones, Central Michigan coach. Chances: 63%. He had one of the best statistical QBs in NCAA history in Dan Lefevour. He runs a similar system to the one that we had this year, and I think he could make Zach Collaros a superstar. If I didn’t have irrational TG love, Jones would be #2.
- Kevin Sumlin, Houston coach. Chances: 32% I don’t see him making the move. He has a high powered Houston offense, but they are a system team, and I’m not sure that he would be the right fit here. I don’t see that system working.
- Jeff Quinn, Cincinnati assistant. Chances: 20% For continuation, it would be nice if he came along, but I can’t see it happening. I think he’s going to join Kelly in losing at Notre Dame
- Skip Holtz, East Carolina coach. Chances: 74%. I think Holtz is going to be the choice. I’m not really sold on him, but he is winning at ECU, and if you can win there, you can win anywhere. I liked what I saw in the Conference USA championship game. They play Arkansas in a bowl game that I don’t remember the name of, and if they win, I think he should get the job. If you can beat an SEC team with ECU, you deserve a BCS job.
- Tommy Tuberville, No Job. Chances: 40% yeah a round number. I think TT would hold off for a job in the south rather than come to Cincinnati. He is the most interesting coach for the situation. He can recruit, or hire people to recruit, and he should have won a national title. I think this should be the first offer, and when he secretly turns it down or shows no interest, move on to Holtz or Gill.
- Kerry Combs, assistant UC. Chances: 16% He would jump on the job like a dude on prom night. He was the coach at Colerain a few years ago, and although they won, he’s not exactly a young fresh coach. If he beats Florida though, he moves up to #7. In all seriousness, if he coaches and beats Florida, I hope the university doesn’t Bill Stewart him into the full time job. That would be stone to drag UC right back to wherever they were before Kelly brought them to the top.
- Phil Fulmer, No Job. Chances: 50% I think fatty Fulmer would jump at the job like it’s a cheeseburger. I don’t want him to be the coach. I think he’s a terrible coach in the modern age. During the 90s, he was a great coach. In the 00s, he sucks. He lost to fucking Wyoming with Tennessee. Wyoming’s QB played at Indiana State this year and was the shittiest QB I saw play. And I watched Will Stein.
- Jeff Jagoffzinski, No Job. Chances: 0%. He’s a jerk off.