With the Angels mired in their longest losing streak in years, it should be time for one of Mike Scioscia’s patented closed door meetings with the players. But since Sosh has yet to pull the team together for this meeting, I’ve gone ahead and scripted what I like to think the meeting might go like.
Take some notes, Mike. You might want to use this speech for real.
Mike Scioscia: Everybody sit down and shut up! (waits for everyone to settle in) I don’t get it guys. I just don’t get it. We’re twelve and sixteen. Twelve and god damn sixteen. How did we ever win twelve?
Mickey Hatcher: It’s a miracle.
Scioscia: Shut up, Mickey! You should all be embarrassed with the way this season has gone. We can’t hit. We can’t pitch. We can’t field. And now we can’t win either. Where is it all going wrong, fellas? This is practically the same team as last year, so you guys tell me because I just don’t see how having a nearly identical team produces such different results. I mean, I miss Figgy and Vlad too, but were they really that huge of difference makers? Neither of them have really done anything to improve the fortunes of their new teams. Are you guys really going to tell me that because we lost two guys that we suddenly stink now? Torii! You’re the supposed leader of this club. What do you think the problem is?
Torii Hunter: Well, Sosh. I think we all just gotta keep positive. We know we are better than this and if we just keep grinding it out, everything will work itself out.
Scioscia: Everything will work itself out. Wow. That’s great. I guess this meeting wasn’t necessary then. Let’s just all keep going out there, doing what we’re doing, getting our ass kicked and it will just eventually stop. Great plan. Well excuse me if I don’t buy it. That’s the @$&! problem with you guys, you think you win the AL West just by showing up. Not a single damned one of you looks like they are busting their ass each and every night. And when I say everyone. I mean everyone. I don’t care if you are young or old or if you have been on this team for several years or just a few weeks. Nobody here is pulling their weight and I’m #%@! sick of it!!!! Just look at you, Bobby. You’re so damn insistent on proving what a great eye you have that you keep forgetting that your job is drive in runs. Swing the freaking bat and knock somebody in for a change! And you, Saunders. Quit trying to be such a big tough guy. We all know you are hurt, just own up to it. And if you’re not hurt, well then, you better get your bags packed. I hear Salt Lake City is nice this time of year. Don’t you start giggling back there, Rivera. Hell, if you hadn’t been making noise just now I wouldn’t have even known you were still on the team. Brandon Wood, well, where do I even begin with you. It almost isn’t even fair to start pointing out what a colossal disappointment you’ve been even though you’ve been coddled since the first day of spring.
Jered Weaver: Uh, Skip? Don’t you think it is a little unfair to be calling everyone out like this? It is still kind of early in the year and all and every team slumps at some point. Shouldn’t we be focusing on what is working and trying to build off of that?
Scioscia: Great idea, Jered. Just tell me what exactly it is you think is working and I’d be happy to do it because, frankly, I’m not seeing it. We’re in the bottom half of the league in runs scored. We have the worst ERA in the American League. We are one of the worst fielding teams in the AL. We are doing a terrible job of stealing bases and being aggressive on the basepaths. Our bullpen blows leads on an almost daily basis. Christ, our run differential is almost the same as the Baltimore Orioles and those guys beyond awful. We’re a mess, Jered. The sooner we admit that to ourselves the better off we’ll be. If anything, we should be counting our blessings that nobody else in the division has gotten hot, so at least we still have a chance to turn this thing around and save our season. What I need from you guys is some fire, some life. None of this moping around BS or acting like it is no big deal that effing the Red Sox just dropped 17 runs on us. Take someone out on a hard slide at second. Brush a batter back off the plate. Do something, ANYTHING, to show me you still give a damn! Now get out there and give them hell!!!