DontToewsMeBro: Ugh…gah…why does everything smell like cinnamon?
KaneIsAbel: Mornin’ honkey.
DontToewsMeBro: Kaner…What the hell happened? Why am I sprawled out in this bathroom?
KaneIsAbel: What do you mean, “What happened?” We won the friggin Stanely Cup, ya cracker-ass cracker! We’ve been rockin’ it nonstop since then!
DontToewsMeBro: Are you drinking beer already? It’s 8 AM for Pete’s sake.
KaneIsAbel: I didn’t stop drinking. It keeps the hangovers away. Besides, Coors Light and Fruit Loops are a great way to start your day off right.
DontToewsMeBro: Coors Light and Froot Loops together? Ah, man, that’s just wrong. It’s just…
KaneIsAbel: Well, if you need breakfast, I found some Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Rice Krispies downstairs. At least, I think they’re Rice Krispies.
DontToewsMeBro: Did I drink an awful lot? I must have if I feel this rotten.
KaneIsAbel: Dude, you did like 3 shots of Goldschlager, and then you declared the bar a pants-free zone. Then you started arguing with a table about the merits of Joe Sakic, and you tried to beat it up.
DontToewsMeBro: So…is that why my hand hurts?
KaneIsAbel: Yeah. It was pretty funny though, ‘cause, uhh…the table kicked your ass. The we all got kicked out, and JR—
DontToewsMeBro: Wait, JR? Who the heck is JR?
KaneIsAbel: The guy passed out and talking in his sleep in the bathtub besides you.
RoeRoenickYourBoat: …and that’s when I punched Milbury in the face. Folded like a Chinese folding chair thingy.
KaneIsAbel: Anyway, JR got us into some other place, and then these cops wanted to confiscate your bottle of Goldschlager since you can’t have open alcohol in glass containers, and you were all “NOOOO THEY BE STEALIN MY GOOOOLLLDDD!” Then we ended up here and you claimed your spot in this bathroom.
Becky_the_Skank: Who the HELL are you losers?
RoeRoenickYourBoat: What the Hell am I doing in this bathtub?
DontToewsMeBro: Becky? I still like your pillow breasts—wait? That’s what you look like in real light?
KaneIsAbel: Come on guys, let’s get headed. We gotta be on Letterman or somewhere like that.
RoeRoenickYourBoat: I don’t have to be. I mean, I will, if they want me. I can totally be on Letterman with you guys.
Becky_the_Skank: I don’t care where you go just get out of here!
RoeRoenickYourBoat: OK, OK. Before I go, fellas…can you give me a hand out of here? This bathtub thing killed my back.
***Later, on the way to Letterman…***
DontToewsMeBro: Patrick, you have to help me out here. I’ve never been like this. Is it normal for me to feel like I’m going to fall down and vomit with every move? Is it normal for that fly over on the wall to be crawling far too loudly? And why are all these people staring at me?
KaneIsAbel: It’s called a hangover, and it’s—wait, did you just mean you’ve never been drunk before?
Little_girl_On_Street: MOMMY, WHY DOES THAT MAN HAVE PEEPEES ALL OVER HIS FACE?
DontToewsMeBro: What the—did you and some other guys draw…male genitals on me?
KaneIsAbel: Lemme see…ahhwww sheeeeeeeet, they totally did! I think that was Byfuglien and Sharp, though. Oh, man, they did it on the neck so you wouldn’t see it at first. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
DontToewsMeBro: Who would do such a thing?
KaneIsAbel: Well, you passed out with your shoes on, so you’re fair game! And they even did little Hitler staches on the dongs, and they have the pubes doin—
DontToewsMeBro: I don’t care! Just…let’s get some breakfast and get this stuff off me.
KaneIsAbel: Man, that’s SHARPIE. That ain’t coming off for weeks! But hey, it’s a Cinnabon!
KaneIsAbel: Honkey, you ok?
DontToewsMeBro: It’s think it’s from the Goldschlager. Every time I smell cinnamon or think about the taste, I want to vomit.
KaneIsAbel: For serious? Daaaayyyyum, fool, you had only had like 3 or 4 drinks of the stuff. I thought you were a bit stronger than that. It’ nuts that cinnamon sets you off like that.
DontToewsMeBro: I don’t have any more to throw up! I’M ALL OUT OF VOMIT!