The State of our Bellyitchers

The State of our Bellyitchers

zz Detroit 4 Lyfe

The State of our Bellyitchers

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hourdetroit

Here is the promised hurlers update.

Justin Verlander. The master of throwing “itty bitty ones.” He currently leads the team in wins, ERA, K’s, WHIP and Ed Hardy T-shirts. According to this picture, it appears PFP has really paid off for JV. “A national treasure, that much is for certain,” according to Rod Allen.
Jeremy Bonderman. After suffering from thoracic outlet syndrome in 2008 it was thought his career might be over. In 2010 it looks like his thorax is completely healed. His improved velocity and consistency has been a boon for this edition of the greatest professional baseball team in Detroit history. Even though starting pitchers do not have entrance songs, this has not prevented a certain all-star fan in my section from loudly questioning why he does not come out to “Jeremy” by Pearl Jam. It’s been an annual event since 2003. Each year someone explains to him that “Jeremy” is about a kid committing suicide and might be a downer. He’s persistent though, can’t knock him for that.
Max Scherzer. Or, Max Skeezer as he is sometimes referred to by the drunk in my section who is yet to learn our team. He is programmed to throw very hard. Max Scherzer 1.0 started off the season getting crushed. He updated from windows 95 and was rebooted in the minors and now version 2.0 is looking a little bit more consistent.
Rick Porcello. “Many” predicted a sophomore slump from Porcello. In this instance “many” was right. Just turned 21 in December. All of a sudden he is extremely hittable and finds himself a Mud Hen. I think the problem is obvious. Too many fruity gigantic alcoholic drinks at Comerica. Luckily he was sent to Toledo, Ohio. In Toledo, Ohio I am pretty sure fun is outlawed. Still, we must never forget he tackled Kevin Youkilis at Fenway last year. He can live off that glory until August before any person can question his ability.
Armando Galarraga. Very nearly became the second Detroit Tiger in its history to throw a perfect game. Yep, can’t forget when that guy from Waterworld and Dewey Cox were the battery for that historic accomplishment. SPOILER ALERT. Don’t feel bad about it though, because we all learned a very valuable lesson that day about something. And that thing we learned about something was way more valuable then Galarraga matching Billy Chapel’s historic feat.
Eddie Bonine. “WHEN THE DETROIT TIGERS WIN THE 2010 WORLD SERIES WE SHALL ERECT A MIGHTY STATUE OF EDDIE BONINE TO COMMEMORATE HIS CONTRIBUTION TO THE VICTORY. THIS STATUE WILL STAND APPROXIMATELY 305 FEET FROM PEDESTAL TO ITS UPPER-MOST SECTION.”
That is what this man proclaims. It is also in all Caps so it is true. Who am I to argue with a man who writes in all caps on the internet. Bravo. He also has an ERA of 2.10 and has looked very consistent. I basically had Bonine locked in as the next Chris Spurling. So, the morning after the championship I will be there with my shovel in hand.
Brad Thomas. This ex-Ham Fighter is a part of the extremely rich history of Aussies in the MLB. Simply put, Brad Thomas is the guy you put in games when the game stops mattering. I’d go through his ERA and WHIP but in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter. He’s just the guy that we throw out there because we are required to have a pitcher. If we ever are down 10-0 after 1 inning…I fully expect Leyland to throw Thomas out there for 8 straight innings to finish it out. Sure, his arm might get tired, he might give up some runs…but who cares, it’s Brad Thomas. As I wrote this, we put Thomas in an 8-0 game in the 3rd inning.
Phil Coke. Probably the happiest Detroit Tiger ever. So far has rocked the Olde timey mustache and a mohawk after being traded from those notorious freedom haters in NY. He has also pitched quite well. He has been the go to lefty specialist for Detroit’s best bullpen since 2006.
Fu-Te Ni. I’m doing a copy paste job from wikipedia because this is just too good to miss. Plus, it’s wikipedia so you know it’s completely factually correct.
“CPBL fans used to call Ni Tu Di Gong, or Fu Teh Cheng Shen, because his given name is the same as the formal name for the Chinese God of the Land. Some called him Need Food because the pronunciation is similar to his name in Mandarin.”
So, let’s avoid the confusion and use his better nickname. Need Food has been a pretty bleh from the pen this year. His ERA is currently almost double his season ending ERA in 2009.
Joel Zumaya. After “dropping boxes” on his right shoulder it looked like the juice from his right arm would be gone for good. Incredibly, Zumaya has put up all star #’s this year and has been a shut down member of the bullpen. The only logical conclusion I can come to is that Joel Zumaya’s Xbox got red ringed thus not allowing him to shred his wrists jamming out to Warrant’s smash hit “Cherry Pie” in Guitar Hero. So, we can all thank Microsoft for manufacturing unreliable Xbox’s for the resurgence of his career.
Jose Valverde. Currently has an ERA of .59. This .59 ERA is coincidentally the same amount of runs per game the Tigers would average without Cabrera on this team. Miguel Montero and Valverde got in a little tiff this week because Valverde is so great and Montero is so terrible. Montero is currently a member of two organizations, our hated rivals the D’backs and of course this one.

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