Mike Van Ryn's New Plans

Mike Van Ryn's New Plans

Barry Melrose Rocks

Mike Van Ryn's New Plans


source: Graig Abel/Getty images

source: Graig Abel/Getty images

To the surprise of absolutely nobody who follows the Toronto Maple Leafs, ddefenceman Mike Van Ryn will sit out the 2010-2011 season because of injury. As I look at his injury record, I’m wondering what he did in the past to have such rotten luck. My money is on a past life in which Van Ryn ran a puppy-maiming factory staffed with cancer-stricken orphans who worked in a converted asylum for the criminally insane which was, of course, built upon cursed Indian burial grounds.

In any event, here are some ways Van Ryn can spend his time off next season, after the jump:

1:Introduce his line of iron lungs for the home.

2: Finally finish his book, “Make Love the Mike Van Ryn Way: Intimacy for the Disabled. (Alternate Title: “OH GOD, MY BONES!: 101 Ways to Show Your Lover Pain is No Obstacle”)

3: Backpack across Europe–especially Amsterdam, for some totally legal “happytime healing cakes.”

4: Use his chemistry knowledge to make and sell meth to support his wife and son. (Oh wait, that’s the plot of “Breaking Bad”, my mistake.)

5: Call up Lee Stempniak, just to say hey.

6: Finally figure out how they get the caramel inside of the chocolates.

7: Cupcakes, man. Lots and lots of cupcakes.

8: Become a dedicated follower of Steely Dan.

9: Try out for American Idol (despite being Canadian,  but whatever.)

10: Find a house that’s not built upon disturbed Indian burial grounds, former sites for bloody Satanic rituals, or locations for Chaka Khan concerts.


Any other  suggestions can beleft in the comments.



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