Michigan and Illinois Start Basketball Season Early, Rest of Big Ten Is Confused as S**t

Michigan and Illinois Start Basketball Season Early, Rest of Big Ten Is Confused as S**t

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Michigan and Illinois Start Basketball Season Early, Rest of Big Ten Is Confused as S**t


Big Ten commissioner is investigating the legality of the pre-season basketball game that took place at Michigan Stadium in Ann Arbor on Saturday afternoon. More than 110,000 fans were on hand to see former football star Denard Robinson’s first game as Michigan’s new point guard, as the Wolverines beat the Illini 67-65 in three overtimes. Honorary head coach Rich Rodriguez was happy to see the team play well in a year that many fans aren’t expecting much after losing stars Manny Harris and DeShawn Sims.

DeShawn Sims Manny Harris

“I thought we played pretty well,” Rodriguez said. “It was your typical Big Ten slugfest. Neither team got to 70 points despite there being three overtimes. That’s good, physical play on both sides.”

While Rodriguez and the Michigan faithful were happy with the outcome, the rest of the Big Ten is understandably confused as shit about why basketball season is starting so damn early.

“I don’t get it,” said Michigan State head coach Tom Izzo. “Usually the season doesn’t start until March. I mean, we have some preseason games and stuff from November to February, but that’s mostly so I can lose my voice every few days to give me a reason not to talk to my wife. She gets really crazy during the winter. It’s better if I just stay away.”

“Maybe they’re trying to get a jump on it, kinda like Christmas shopping,” said Purdue coach Matt Painter. “I hate waiting until the last minute and then having to go out on Christmas Eve to get that stupid Elmo doll for my kids. Usually it ends up with me beating up an old lady. Nobody likes to do it, but sometimes you have to. I’m proud of these programs for getting their shopping done early.”

Tickle Me Elmo

Delaney was hopeful that this early season game wasn’t breaking any rules. “I mean, if we can market the shit out of this to make some more money, I’m all for it. When you’re able to pad your bottom line in any way possible, that’s a good day. Hell, I made sure to stuff a backpack full of food before leaving Golden Corrall last night. When you can have another week’s worth of food for that same $10, you’re saving money for yourself. I like where these guys are heading.” Delaney then shoved a toddler out of the way to pick up a dime sitting on the ground near the child before walking away.

Meanwhile, ESPN thought the whole thing was a football game, further proving that they spend way too much time thinking about what’s really in Brett Favre’s Wranglers.

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