What’s the Antonym of “Stat Geek”?

Today could be very hazardous to my health.

And not just because I’m typing this on a special Nuclear-powered, green-glowing computer (I almost didn’t buy your product this time, Apple. Allllmost.) Today, I fear for what could happen to the internet if CC Sabathia wins the AL Cy Young.

The big three names in the running are CC, David Price and Felix Hernandez. You can decide for yourself who’s the most deserving…but if you need a hint, it’s King Felix.

Hernandez (or F-Her – I hope some newspaper slips that into a headline) doesn’t have the pretty won/loss record that your dads would be impressed with, and therein lies the problem. We’re still a good 15-20 years until the old school way of thinking is completely out the window. I wouldn’t be shocked if any of the three guys mentioned above wins the award. Obviously they were all really good this year, but once you get over looking at the Win column first, Felix is the clear choice. Disaster was averted last year when Lincecum and Greinke won the Cy Young, beating out other pitchers who had more wins. And despite a good amount of outrage from Cardinal fans, the voters got it right.

But that doesn’t mean we’ve moved past the thought of high RBI totals or Pitcher Wins=greatness. ESPN hasn’t moved onto showing any kind of individual VORP or pitchers’ game scores when zipping through highlights. They still show W: _____ and L: _____. Not to mention, it’s a common fantasy baseball stat. Humans still have voting power, and they can vote however they’d like. Don’t get me wrong, CC had a hell of a year. But to put that much stock into W/L record is pretty lazy. Front offices, including the Cardinals’, don’t do it. Why should we?

Normal, logical people would tell me not to worry about awards too much, since we’re not the agent or player who gets to cash in on the achievement. Okay, yes, they are correct…but we need something to kill time while we’re at work, dammit! And for our efforts, we get called “Stat Geeks” – written off like we’re not allowed to talk baseball. Don’t hold it against me just because I wasn’t there to see Pedro Guerrero’s determination (and other intangibles), as he stumbled into the clubhouse at 6:15 pm after an all-night coke/hookers celebration.

Also, some people would encourage us to act like adults, and not resort to childish name-calling. We’ll gladly talk like know-it-all smart-asses. But call us geeks? It’s time for some typewritten wrath, motherfuckers! So as a precautionary measure, I’d like to have an official nickname readily available when writers start pouring in stories today titled either A) “The Stat Geeks Win; Ruin Baseball” or B) “Stat Geeks Got Siz-erved! And My Boner Just Knocked Over Some Typewriter Ink, Who Cares!”

Here are a few ideas I had, along with a quick explanation. If you’ve got one, feel free to share.

Leathery Old Balls – LOB’s in the house!

Flat Earth Crew – Don’t go to the left of Hawaii, you’ll die. (/unintentional Asian joke)

Werthers Originals – Jesus used to give these things out to kids around Jerusalem.

Morgans – Named after simple stat hero Joe Morgan.

High-Pantsed Bastards – Speaks for itself.

Betty Whites – It does a real disservice to Betty, but “Angela Lansburys” is a mouthful.

Retirement Homies – Because they’re old writers, but cool enough to be on the internet.

Shart Captains – Uh, sharts are funny.

BONUS – Take the Poll and let us know what we should use!