Guys on Ice: Inside Mikhail Grabovski's Mind

Guys on Ice: Inside Mikhail Grabovski's Mind

Barry Melrose Rocks

Guys on Ice: Inside Mikhail Grabovski's Mind

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[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZXGJYz8GMo&w=300&h=255]
 
***Grab_Bag is fading out…***
***Grab_bag has suddenly been transported to a forest where all of the trees, plants, and animals are only colored in shades of grey***
Grab_bag: this is much weird. 
Orange_Tree: Mikhail! You are just the person to save us! 
Grab_bag: Tree! You talk! You talk more than Nikolai Kulemin! 
Orange_Tree: Mikhail, you are the one fated to defeat the evil Gary the purple giraffe, who has stolen all of our colors! 

Grab_bag: He steal colors? What a dick move!  That doesn’t even make sense—why steal colors? 
Orange_Tree: Here, eat some of my oranges for quick energy and strength!
*** Grab_bag eats grey oranges!***
Grab_bag: Why is everything a little blurry?
Orange_Tree:  My oranges also have vodka in them. 
Grab_bag: Whoa! Best orange tree ever! 
***Gary the purple giraffe has appeared!***
Gary the purple giraffe:
At last, Mikhail, we meet again for our final battle!
Grab_bag: Final battle?  Meet again? But we never meet, ever. And why you steal colors? What benefit or profit does it make for you? It just sound like dick move to me. 
Gary the purple giraffe: Well, er, umm…I stole the colors because I freaking CAN, ok? 
Grab_bag: is it like your daddy never love you, only instead of making shitty distorted rock or being stripper, you do bad things like cheesy supervillian. 
Gary the purple giraffe: Look, I don’t have time for your love and understanding bullhonkey. Otherwise, we won’t get to have our pointless, yet epic fight scene!
Grab_bag: But why? I never meet you before.  I know this story. We fight, and I lose, then montage of awesome training, then I have sassy sidekick and two-dimensional  love interest, then we fight again and I win.  I mean, yeah, that’s like every plot in every movie, ever, but still…why not give back colors and stop being such a dick face?
Gary the purple giraffe: That’s what you’re trying to do—fight me with reason and plot device knowledge? You’re not even going to try and fight me?
Grab_bag: I suppose I could…uhh…
*** Grab_bag punches Gary the purple giraffe in the knee!***
Gary the purple giraffe: MY KNEE! Now I know how Mike Peca feels! You’ll rue the day you did this, Grabovski! Do you hear me—RUE!
 ***Gary the purple giraffe hobbles off, and there is an explosion of billions of bits of rainbows, coloring the entire forest***
Orange_Tree: Hooray! Mikhail, you saved the forest! 
Grab_bag: Holy shit, it looks like Lisa Frank exploded in here! Can I go now?
Orange_Tree: Your journey through your subconscious is not complete. Do you see that rainbow puddle at your feet?
Grab_bag: Yeah….how did it get there? 
Orange_Tree: Jump through the puddle, and you will go even deeper into the inner bowls of Mikhail Grabovski.
Grab_bag: But I no wants a quest. I want to go home.
Orange_Tree: Just jump in the damn puddle. Seriously, would someone who gave you oranges and vodka lie to you?
Grab_bag: Good point. 
*** Grab_bag jumps into the rainbow puddle, and is transported to a golf course, where he meets MaiHartWillDion, BozakAttack, and Hey_Kule_Aid***
MaiHartWillDion: Grabbo! How’s it going! Grab_bag: uh…fine, I guess. I have no idea what’s going on.
 Hey_Kule_Aid: Touba yrrow ot ginthon si ereht. 
MaiHartWillDion: That’s right, Kulie! 
BozakAttack: My shirt is red now! 
Grab_bag: But it was green shirt just a second ago! 
Hey_Kule_Aid: Der neeb syawla sah ti. 
MaiHartWillDion:  Those were some pretty sweet goals you and Phil had at the game. 
Grab_bag: Goals? You mean…the thing with the giraffe?
MaiHartWillDion: Giraffe? Man, you ex-Commies are freakin’ weird. 
BozakAttack: My shirt is yellow now!
Grab_bag:  But it was just—never mind. 
Hey_Kule_Aid: Notsob stniaga erocs lihp ees ot ecin saw ti. 
MaiHartWillDion: Sure, scoring goals IS Phil’s job, after all, but he had so much against them, and not people can stop running the lame “Phil Kessle can’t play against Boston worth crap” story,  so that’s kinda nice. 
BozakAttack: My shirt has polka dots!
Hey_Kule_Aid: Stod aklop ecin!
MaiHartWillDion: Grabbo, listen—I know it’s been pretty rough bein’ part of the Leafs these past few seasons, but as captain, I have something really important to say to you…
Grab_bag: Yes?
MaiHartWillDion: Derp flaggle hornskit. 
Grab_bag:…Wait, what?
MaiHartWillDion: Clear as day, the most important advice you will ever hear anywhere—Honkilly flatterfork klakkerquaddle pos. 
Grab_bag: You makes no sense. IS you having stroke? 
***world around Grab_bag starts distorting into nonsense and melting into oblivion***
*** Grab_bag has opened his eyes at the team medical room!***
I_Ron_Butterfly:  Well, Grabbo, you’ve had an eventful few days. How are you feeling?
Grab_bag: Coach Wilson, I have most craziest dream. Phil and I scored goals against the Bruins and we won! And then we play Buffalo IN Buffalo, and we won! 
I_Ron_Butterfly: But Grabbo, those all happened. That wasn’t a dream—that was real!
BozakAttack: My shirt is blue! 
Grab_bag: OH NOES! WE NOT OUT OF DREAM INCEPTIONS YET! WE NEED HELP FROM TITANIC GUY AND ANNOYING PREGNANT GIRL!
MaiHartWillDion: I’m just saying that it looks more like a green shirt than a blue shirt.  
BozakAttack: Well, yeah, next to a lot of blue things, like the uniforms, it looks green. But next to anything else, it’s a blue shirt! 
Grab_bag: I needs sign that this is not dream. Or else, I need to find good shrink for Gary the purple giraffe to work on daddy issues.
 Hey_Kule_Aid: Seussi yddad?  
Grab_bag: Relief! Everything is normal! 
I_Ron_Butterfly:  Giraffe? Daddy issues?
Medical staff: Well, it looks like there’s no sign of a head injury here.

 

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