I’m starting to think that buying that MLB ’11 At Bat app for my phone was a bad idea.
Not that it’s a bad purchase, but the first thing I heard on my phone was Ed Coleman describing Oliver Perez throwing meatballs to the Atlanta Braves with an 84 mph fastball, then performing his Ball 4 Ball 8 Ball 12 routine on WFAN. Jeez, that’s 15 bucks I’ll never get back. For a guy that’s been slow to technologically advance, I might start using an abacus after having to listen to Perez’s outing after that. My ears are still bleeding, and I can’t believe I dropped 15 dollars to listen to Oliver Perez suckwhen I just could have read about it for free on the internet. And since those 15 bones go to Major League Baseball, there’s a small possibility that my money could line Perez’s pocket at some point this season if MLB lends my money to Fred Wilpon to help pay Oliver’s salary.
So ironically, I could be paying for my own hell.
(P.S. if you want an app for your phone without that kind of guilt, then go get my Metstradamus app for the low low price of free. You won’t need a loan from MLB to get it.)
On the day we celebrate great acting performances, Perez can’t even impersonate a major leaguer. But he still has until March 10th to prove he can start. Oh goody! And if he can’t, I guess he’ll have to wait until the later innings to ruin my life. I don’t know what he expects to find in the next eleven days outside of performance enhancing drugs that will help his fastball, his career, and our team. And even if he turns to the needle to get his act straight, he’d probably inject his dog by accident instead. So where does that leave us? With a wasted roster spot, a wasted season, and a really pissed off dog.
“I know my velocity is not there yet. In the past week, we’ve been working very hard. Everybody is a little tired.” –Oliver Perez
Tired? Tired???!?? In February? You know, I’m tired too. I’m tired of Oliver Perez, his face, his beard, his sunflower seeds, and his 84 mph fastball. Chris Capuano (Sunday’s winning pitcher against the University of Michigan) is allowed to have an 84 mph fastball which is complemented by a good changeup. You know what complements Oliver Perez’s 84 mph fastball? F***ing ulcers, that’s what. There’s a higher percentage of meat in a Taco Bell product than there is talent and guts in Oliver Perez. If Sunday’s game along with that whiny, loser quote wasn’t enough to convince the Mets brass that enough is enough, then I hope I’m not on my phone listening to the game that does, because there’s going to be an android phone that’ll wind up at the bottom of the Hudson river if I’m not too tired to take the train to 12th avenue and throw it.
Thankfully, the Mets aren’t on the radio until March 12th.