I ate two tubs of ice cream after I heard the news that Tigers DH Victor Martinez will probably be out for the season due to a torn ACL, which he suffered during “shuffling” conditioning drills. I ate another tub of ice cream when someone mentioned the Tigers might bring back Damon to replace him. I then ate roughly 17 oreo cookies just because they were looking at me weird. I followed that up by doing zero crunches.
I say F all that.
Call up V-Mart Jr. and sign him to a 30-year deal. He’s a big name (with a generational suffix); he has undeveloped, thus untearable ACLs; he presents a small strike zone; his swing is prettier than Brandon Inge’s the majority of swings in baseball; and his adWARable is through the rooooooof.
Just check out this video below (from two years ago!) …