I can’t remember the last time I did a product review on D4L (I think it was for NHL Gamecenter four years ago), but when we had a chance to help a good friend and get a box full of free beef jerky, I would’ve been dumber than a bag of weiners to decline, respectfully of course.
A few weeks ago, The Blue Ox Jerky Co. , based out of Troy, Michigan — also home to Somerset Collection and the Troy Family Aquatic Center — sent me some samples of their Grade-A, “punch-you-in-your-throat awesome” beef jerky. The last time I was punched in the throat, it wasn’t awesome, but I was excited to try their meats (that’s what she said) and instantly feel more like a man… a man who is currently unemployed and relies on his wife to bring home the bacon, which, by the way, is another awesome meat.
For purposes of full disclosure: I’m a big fan of beef jerky. I used to eat it all the time. Before I was old enough to be cool with chewing tobacco, I used to get balls deep in some Jack Link’s Jerky Chew and pretend I was a big leaguer. I think having some beef jerky in your mouth is as big leaguer as you’ll ever get. Having said that, I’m no beef jerky aficionado. And I’m a pussy as it pertains to food. Words like jalapeno, guacamole and “blazin’ hot” absolutely terrify me. I’m not scared of a lot of things, but spicey foods and heights are two of my greatest fears. I think I just hate nose bleeds.
Anyway, now that I’ve gotten the meaty prologue out of the way, I’m going to go through each type of jerky I was sent and review it as honestly as I can. So this isn’t entirely irrelevant to a predominantly Detroit sports blog, I’ll compare each to a player on the Detroit Tigers.
Honey BBQ flavored Smoked Turkey — The Justin Verlander
Blue Ox says this could bring a bearded man to his knees, much like Verlander’s curve ball. I don’t have a beard and I’ve never faced Verlander, so I can’t attest to either. But I did try this meat and it tasted like sex, much like Verlander … pitches, not tastes, because I don’t know that. I swear.
Honey BBQ flavored Smoked Beef — The Miguel Cabrera
A little bit heavier taste than the smoked turkey, but just as awesome. There’s apparently a lot of ingredients that go into this, but all you can taste is the natural smoke flavor, and subsequently, your balls getting bigger by the bite.
Jalapeno flavor Hunter Sausage — The Jhonny Peralta
I was sobbing, but I did try this. To my surprise — much like the Jhonny Peralta acquisition a couple years ago — I liked it. I had four glasses of water next to me like I was about to take on the aliens in Signs, but I didn’t even need any freakin’ hydration afterwards. In fact, I took one bite of this and went all Hulk and flipped the table, soaking my dining room. … which I cleaned up immediately.
Honey Pepper Bacon flavored Hunter Sausage — The Daniel Schlereth:
Smoked Buffalo — the Rick Porcello
Solid, “mouth-watering man” snacks.
“Original Recipe” Smoked Beef — the Prince Fielder:
Babe Ruth. Prince Fielder. Original Recipe Smoked Beef. That’s how God intended it. Pure meat.
Peppercorn Smoked Beef — the Brandon Inge
Too much peppercorn, like Inge has too many check-swing strikeouts. It was bad, but the sample baggy was still empty in the end.
Blazin’ Hot flavored Smoked Beef — the Austin Jackson
The fire starter. I gave some to my dog and he submersed his entire head in his water bowl afterward. (Don’t go calling animal services on me, because unlike your dog, mine doesn’t eat his own shit.) This is as hot as advertised and my nose was leaking my brains for about 3 hours.
= it was pretty good. Go buy some, if you want to feel and look sweet.